West-Ham-Utd

Frankly speaking, it wasn't that Terryble

2009-04-27T14:57:35.203+01:00

Saturday’s relatively uninspiring game has been largely overshadowed by all the talk of the ‘abuse’ Lampard and Terry suffered at the hands of us devilish Irons. So let’s talk about it a bit more.

For anyone who missed it, the ‘attack’ was two-pronged:

JT suffered a simple yet effective “John Terry, your mum’s a thief”.

Meanwhile, Frank was on the receiving end of “Lampard, you let your children down”.

As chants go, they’re unlikely to win any prizes for originality, complexity or even humour but, the real question is: did they, as Terry suggests, “cross the line”?

I don’t think so. Being exposed to chants from opposing fans is part and parcel of the game. Always has been. Always will be.

That’s not to say that there should be an “anything goes” policy. Players should not be subject to racism, threats of violence, or objects thrown from the stands. But it’s not golf, is it? When you’re playing in front of 35,000 opposing fans you can’t expect them to politely clap your every touch.

The best players don’t block it out, they actively thrive on it. Ronaldo has boasted how he loves being booed as it spurs him on to perform at his best level. Surely this has to be better than playing in near silence. Just as a great game makes for a great atmosphere, a great atmosphere also makes for a great game. When was the last time you saw a classic at the Riverside Stadium?

I don’t have any real objection to players giving a little bit of abuse back, but they are walking a perilous path. The potential for inciting crowd trouble is huge. They need to be a touch more responsible than your common man and think about the consequences of their actions. Sure, this makes it a slightly unequal and unfair player/fan relationship but that’s one of the (few) drawbacks that comes with being in the spotlight. You don’t hear players moaning about how unfair it is that they get paid five times the average annual salary in a week for training a few hours a day.

Footballers are celebrities and need to learn that sometimes this can be a burden. Either that or they could just stump up the cash for their mum’s Whiskas and none of this would ever have happened.

The Mastercard Premier League

2009-04-08T14:57:51.043+01:00

I was reading FourFourTwo the other day and there was a letter from a Pompey fan bored of the monotony of the Premier League. He said he was tired of going into games knowing that nine times out of ten, Team A is going to beat Team B because they’re the bigger team with more money and, consequently, have better players.

I found this interesting because I’d been thinking something fairly similar. Each season, there are only four or five teams that can have any realistic aspirations of winning the league. So, what do the rest of us have to get excited about? Sure, there’s European qualification. But only six or seven teams have a real chance of securing one of the top four spots and the Champs League place that comes with it. There’s the Uefa Cup, but do any of us care about that anymore? It’s a competition that’s been so devalued in recent years it makes the Carling Cup look like a major trophy. What’s the point in getting excited about qualifying for Europe only to give your best players Thursday night off, just so they can be fresh for another Premier League game on the Sunday? Teams that have given the Uefa Cup a proper shot have seen their league form suffer, and therefore wound up in no-man’s land with no Europe the following year. Perhaps if the Uefa Cup winner was given a Champs League spot the following season it might be a more exciting proposition.

I started to have a horrible thought. It’s quite possible that I could support West Ham my entire life and never see them win anything. When it comes to the league, the odds are very much stacked in favour of not winning it before I kick the bucket. So, I pondered, is there any point? Does it really matter whether we beat Sunderland or not? The only difference it makes is whether we finish 7^th or 8^thwhich, in a year or two, I probably won’t remember anyway.

I started to think of how much time and money you could expend following your team, with no tangible return.

Season ticket every year for 50 years: £30,000

Programme every home game: £3,000

Shirt every season: £2,000

Half-time pie: £4,000

One or two jars: £8,000

Occasional away trip: £5,000

But then I glanced at this weekend’s fixtures, and normality was restored.

Beating Harry’s Spurs at White Hart Lane : Priceless

The thing is, being a football fan is not an equal give-and-take relationship. But that’s the beauty of it. Fans are made to suffer for the cause, but it just makes the great moments that much sweeter. I still remember our Di Canio inspired 1-0 over Man Utd and the £40 I took from the bookies because of it. I also remember being nervous they’d rumble that I was under-age. I remember his goal of the season (Di Canio that is, not my bookie), watching it over and over and never growing tired of it. I can remember Tevez’s winner against Utd on the last day of the season to save us from relegation like it was yesterday.

I remember the consecutive playoff finals, the win over Preston made all the more memorable for the pain of defeat against Palace the previous year.

The magic moments make it all worthwhile. So here’s to another one this Saturday.

Football lingo

2009-03-18T10:52:15.595+00:00

This: Jermain.

Means: Definitely.

How: ‘Defo’ is a commonly used abbreviation of ‘definitely’. When spoken, ‘Defo’ sounds exactly the same as ‘Defoe’.

As in: “Fancy a kickabout this evening?” “Jermain”.

This: Jermain-Keira

Means: Definitely

How: A little development on the above. ‘Defoe’ gives you ‘Defo’. The impish vamp Keira provides the ‘Knightley’. So, say ‘Defoe-Knightley’ and… bingo!

As in: “Fancy tapping that fit one out of Love Actually?” “Jermain-Keira”.

This: Bunts

Means: Money

How: ‘Bunts’, as in Bunsen burner. Bunsen burner – nice little earner.

As in: Watch the Office.

This: Nice Elle, bad Oxford

Means: Nice body, bad face.

How: Elle McPherson, commonly referred to as ‘the body’. Oxford and Cambridge compete in the annual boat race. Boat race is rhyming slang for face.

As in: “There’s this new girl at my gym, cracking Elle, shame about the Oxford .”

This: Posh’n’Becks

Means: Sex

How: Simple delightful rhyming slang

As in: “I’d love a bit of Posh’n’Becks with that bird in the ticket office.

This: Gary Ablett

Means: Ecstasy

How: ‘Ablett’ rhymes with ‘tablet’, as in ecstasy tablet. Used by London ’s clubbing fraternity.

As in: “Gary Ablett’s are bad, kids. Very bad.”

This: Geoff Hurst

Means: A top class degree at university

How: ‘ Hurst ’ rhymes with ‘First’, which is the best degree you can get.

As in: “That geek in my class ended up with a Geoff Hurst and all I got was a poxy Desmond (Tutu-2:2).”

This: Jimmy Hill

Means: Bill

How: Come on, it rhymes.

As in: “Oi, Smithy. Pay the Jimmy for this curry will ya and let’s get outta ‘ere.”

This: Nobby Stiles

Means: Piles

How: Again, it rhymes.

As in: “After that mucky pie on Monday I had a nasty dose of Nobby”.

This: Gianluca Vialli

Means: Cocaine

How: ‘Vialli’ rhymes with ‘Charlie’, a nickname for cocaine.
As in: “I wonder if Jermain Defoe ever does a bit of Gianluca Vialli?” “Jermain”. See what I did there? It’s all about bringing it all together.

This: Robbie Fowler

Means: Howler

How: You guessed it, it rhymes.

As in: “Ilunga had another Robbie Fowler last night”.

This: Robbie

Means: Keen

How: Robbie ‘Keane’ – you can work it out.

As in: “My new boss is well Robbie”.

This: Bobby Moore

Means: Score

How: ‘ Moore ’ rhymes with ‘score’.

As in: “What was the Bobby last time we played this lot?”

This: Glenn Hoddle

Means: Something very easy.

How: ‘Hoddle’ rhymes with ‘doddle’, a word used to describe something very easy.

As in: “I reckon getting tickets for that game will be a Glenn”.

This: Darren Bent

Means: Gay/dodgy.

How: ‘Bent’ is widely used to refer to those of a homosexual persuasion or things which are a bit shnidey.

As in: “That bloke keeps looking over here, he’s a bit Darren”.

Feel free to make your own additions!

Does it get any better than this? I bloody hope so.

2009-03-17T11:27:34.845+00:00

Pretty dour night at Upton Park last night. West Ham seem to be striving for continual improvement in the ‘worst ever performance’ stakes. We could argue about whether we were worse against Boro in the cup or West Brom last night until the cows came home but the fact remains, a team of those cows would probably have stuffed us last night.

I like to maintain general optimism and certainly am not one to consign us to relegation on the back of one (or two, or three) bad performances, but nor am I blindly faithful enough to pretend that just because we’re in the top half, we must be playing well.

We’ve got no cutting edge and only one method of scoring goals; walking it into the net with a thousand intricate passes. I’m a football purist and would rather that than relying on long-ball tactics but sometimes I can’t help but wonder whether we’ve really got the class to make it work. Arsenal have persevered with it for a decade and, whilst they’ve had success, they’ve also had personnel more suited to the task. And even now they regularly fail to break down the weaker teams. If Wenger’s Philharmonic Orchestra cannot make sweet passing music, what hope do our bunch of X-Factor rejects have?

It’s painful to watch our attempts to stroke the ball around; we link fifty passes in order to put Ilunga in a hole his nightmarish first touch can’t get him out of. Scott Parker twists and turns often enough to drill a hole in the pitch while looking for options, too often the only escape he finds is behind him. Robbie Green might be one of our most skilful players on the ball, but surely that doesn’t mean threading the ball through to him is the way forward when we’re in desperate need of a goal. David Di Michele should be commended for achieving the seemingly impossible task of making Diego Tristan look a viable alternative.

The biggest cheer of the evening was the ironic one that greeted Boa Morte’s introduction, closely followed by that which met his first touch of the evening, a delightful 50p header straight into the night sky. Seeing fans leave 15 minutes before the end is never good to watch but, frankly, who can blame them? Long before that it was obvious we could have played for a month without breaking the deadlock

I’m still delighted to have Franco and Steve Clarke at the helm, we look reasonably solid and hopefully all off-field wranglings will be resolved in time for us to strengthen this summer. With a few exciting players we could genuinely contend for Europe next year. Although second-class Europe is regarded about as highly as the Paint Trophy nowadays. The Europa league or whatever it is next year will never match the glory and prestige of that famous Intertoto cup win over Metz .

I’m currently pondering whether I care more about qualifying for Europe or finishing above Spurs. The latter is definitely winning.

I went on the internet… and I saw this!

2009-03-06T14:52:04.573+00:00

As Jeremy Clarkson would say, “I went on the internet… and I saw this!”

Well Jezza, I went on the internet last night and, while scouring for absolutely unequivocally undoubtedly completely and utterly perfectly acceptable, moral and decent content… I found this!

http://footymad.net/head-to-head-statistics/

Don’t worry, you can click on this without fear of reprisal from girlfriend/wife/parents; it’s all perfectly decent. Just like the other stuff I was looking for. Yes sirree, Bob…

What this website offers is an exhaustive list of stats for matches between any teams you can think of. AC Milan v Billericay Town ? Never met. Ok, bad example. But for any teams that have actually played each other, you’ll find all the past results, records and so forth. Now personally I’m not much of a Statto, but this will be a godsend for any wannabe John Motsons.

Anyway, on a totally unrelated topic, I thought I’d furnish you with some stats in preparation for the West Brom game. Obviously it’s common knowledge that we’ve beaten the Baggies 36 times while they’ve triumphed on 37 occasions, but, y’know, it doesn’t hurt to say it. The good news is, at home we’re 24 – 17 up. But you knew that already. So we’re one game behind, and also three goals shy of their 146. So 3-0 next week will give a nice symmetry to things. Failing that, I’d take a repeat of our 6-1 win in the 1964/65 season. Oh come on, you remember it. It was the one where… well, where we scored 6 and they scored 1. In the 1964/65 season. At home. Know your facts. Just don’t mention the 1925/26 game, still pains me to think about it.

Moncur Memoir

2009-02-25T16:40:50.062+00:00

I was clearing out some old ‘junk’ at the weekend when I unearthed a hidden gem: A hefty hardback book entitled SuperStars of the Premier League 1996/97 Yearbook. What a find! I sat myself down with the book on my lap, grateful for the respite from relentless cardboard boxes and charity shop trips, and flicked through 96 memory-laden pages.

I enjoyed reliving, and I quote: “The Gallic genius of Eric Cantona, to the flair of Steve McManaman and the ice cool finishing of Dennis Bergkamp”, but naturally my thoughts soon turned to West Ham. I flipped excitedly to the index, scanned down past Nottingham Forest , Sheffield Wednesday and Southampton, stopping before reaching the treacherous depths of Wimbledon , to find the West Ham entry. The sole West Ham entry. In 1996 only one player was deemed worthy of inclusion in this esteemed collection. That player? John Moncur.

That’s right, dear old Moncs, a former victim of Cantona’s Gallic ‘charm’, was proudly sandwiched between Steve McManaman and Stuart Pearce. Revered company in anyone’s eyes. The entry was markedly reserved in nature, portraying Moncur as a simple, get it and pass it, kind of player. In fact, it was as accurate as it was reserved.

Moncur may have only scored 6 goals in his 176 appearances in claret and blue, but every one was a belter. Some may remember the 5-4 victory over Bradford in 2000 when Moncur scored a rasping drive from outside the box, falling over in the process. He ran over to the home fans and took his shirt off in celebration. When the celebrations died down, Moncur was unable to put his shirt back on and was seen running up the pitch with his shirt still only partially on and was consequently out of position as Bradford hit back immediately from the restart. I like to think of Moncur these days, running his football academy in Debden, stumbling down the stairs partially dressed, late to train the kids.

Anyone feeling Moncsick reading this, fear not; he can be seen patrolling the midfield with number 8 and 'Parker' on his back.

Transfer Window Is Snow Joke

2009-02-06T15:58:46.729+00:00

So, the transfer window has closed. Even for Arsenal. At least we think it has. It’s hard to say for certain when even the FA weren’t really sure when the deadline was.

Like any fan, I love the drama of deadline day. It’s the ludicrous rumours that sometimes actually come true. It’s the excitement and disappointment that can only matched by another Cheryl Cole-less Christmas Day. It’s the fans jumping around outside stadiums across the land at midnight, enjoying their moment in the spotlight in the background of Sky Sports News. It’s the beleaguered Sky Sports News presenters doing their best to appear as if they know more than the rest of us, while avoiding the aforementioned stadium lunatics. It’s the whole Championship Manager feel of it all. It’s pure drama, you wouldn’t believe it in a script, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Except this one was a little bit different.

Firstly, the deadline was pushed back a day, owing to the fact it fell on a Sunday. Seems sensible, but it was only pushed back to 5 p.m. Where’s the midnight drama? I’m sure I’m not the only one who secretly quite enjoys the “I really should go to bed but I’ve just got to stay up for another half hour to find out whether Danny Higginbotham completes his move to Stoke” moments.

Secondly, it snowed. A lot. We’ll never really know the full picture of how this affected the various deals on the day, but I like the image of numerous private jets circling around Manchester Airport desperately seeking permission to land, while Man City execs calculate the cost of insuring Kaka for a parachute descent. Or how about poor little vertically-challenged Andrei Arshavin completing a medical in the snow? Good job it wasn’t more than two feet deep, says I. Because of the snow, homes across the land have been unable to get rid of their rubbish for over a week. I don’t know what they’re moaning about; Wenger’s had that problem for years… Emmanuelle Eboué anyone?

Finally, we’re in a recession [groan]. Sick of hearing about it? Me too. But when it affects football something must be seriously wrong. City and Spurs were the only clubs really spending. Where was the Man U mola, the Chelski cheques and the Liverpool lira? The problem is, with the pound weaker than a John Paintsil left foot ‘drive’, even the rich weren’t keen to splash the cash. Most of the transfers were players moving from one Prem club to another, great if you’re the club picking up Shay Given (not so much if you find yourself ladened with “Charles Imsomnia… Charles Inzobia… Charlie” – cheers Joe) but not much excitement for the neutral observer. I want to see world class players coming in to feature weekly on MOTD, or, preferably, supposedly world class players coming to Stamford Bridge to prove themselves 30 million pound flops.

Anyway… this week’s entry has been a bit Hammer-free. Regular readers of this column [tumbleweed…] will remember my fears of what the transfer window would mean for us. In the end I’m pretty chuffed. We offloaded Bellamy for a decent fee and brought in Savio Nsereko (guess that’s why we call him Savio) who I know little about but I’m sure he’ll be decent. You can make your own mind up on the definition of ‘decent’, I’m settling for being better than David Nugent. But most importantly we’ve hung onto our best players. I know it’s a cliché but it is a bit like signing some new players. My pessimistic side had resigned itself to facing the rest of the season without Parker, Noble, Green, Upson, Ilunga and co which, realistically, would have left us in a world of trouble. Fair play to Gianfranco and Stevie Clarke for a great run of form which has not only encouraged players to see out the season, but convinced the board we can end up with something to show for it. Maybe my pessimistic side is suffering from all this cold weather but at the moment I’m feeling confident. Another easy win over Utd this weekend – “Can we play you every week?!” – some more solid league form and a May date at Wembley would be a nice culmination to a season which at one point looked destined to end in disaster. Who knows, maybe we’d even win the Cup this time round. Liverpool are already out, at least I think they are, ITV??????

On that note, one final prediction to leave you with: ITV securing exclusive rights to screen the closing stages of the next transfer window; with the FA’s unique timekeeping and ITV’s immaculate timing, Wenger may yet get his wish for an endless window in which to not buy players.

Bella-who?

2009-01-21T13:47:58.51+00:00

Ok, so he’s gone. No amount of self delusion is going to change it. It’s no longer an iffy rumour. It’s past the stage of starting to look a bit likely. We’re past “my mate’s Mrs is an estate agent and she had an appointment to show a Mr C. Bellamy around a house in Manchester this afternoon". We’re past the Daily Mail informing middle England (not to be confused with Middle Earth) that “Bellamy has absolutely, definitely, unequivocally, as sure as all immigrants carry the plague and all tasty things give you cancer… decided to join Spurs”. We’re even past the stage where the Sky Sports news ticker tells us “Bellamy agrees 5 year deal at White Hart Lane ” while the image above shows him shaking hands with a Sheikh welcoming him in Arabic spoken with a Mancunian twang.

We’re at the stage where Bellamy is a City player and we’re left wondering where the goals are going to come from. I won’t say I’m not disappointed; no one can argue that Bellamy isn’t a nightmare for defences and he was finally beginning to net some regular goals on the back of a partnership with Carlton Cole. But it’s not a bad bit of business.

We’ve doubled our money in a couple of years and at 29, he’s only got a couple of years left in him. Anyway, by Bellamy’s own standards he’s been a lengthy servant at Upton Park. He’s probably expecting a testimonial.

The board were always going to say that the money would go on players. It’s got a much nicer ring to it than “we’re going to hang onto the money we got for our best striker because we’re skint and may need to give Sheff Utd enough money to build a team of steel football-playing robots”.

Oddly, Bellamy’s departure seems to have awakened something in Di Michele. On Sunday he looked, for the first time, as though he was aware not only that he is the proud owner of two legs, but that by putting one in front of the other he can move around the pitch. Before that it always looked like he was just waiting for the grass to grow in a different direction to get him into the penalty area.

If he keeps this up and Carlton Cole cuts out the performances where he looks more docile than Gandhi’s pet puppy then we should be able to net a few goals. I’d still like to see someone come in, I think it’s the least we deserve, but as long as we’re not relying on Diego Tristan to fire us into Europe we should be ok. He seems to have been to the same school of greenkeeping as the Di Michele of old.

I’m feeling optimistic that Freddie Sears will get on his bike (at least until he’s old enough to drive) and emerge as a genuine contender in the next few months.

Even if we do struggle, we can still be grateful that Man City are starting to make us look like savvy employers – Lucas Neill 60 grand a week? Bargain.

Unbelievable revelation!

2009-01-08T12:51:20.06+00:00

Here ye, here ye. In a statement that will astound many, Hammers legend Julian Dicks has said... wait for it... and you might want to be seated... that... West Ham may face relegation if we sell all of our best players.

Can you believe it?!

Allow yourself a moment to let this sink in. It's obviously a cruel and crushing blow to us fans who believed that we'd be far better off without our good players.

By way of consolation, Dicks did go on to state that we'd probably be alright losing Parker and Upson, provided we retain Green and Bellamy. I must say I envy Wivenhoe with their newfound tactical genius. Not since under 5's football have I heard such prophetic wizardry as "get a decent bloke in goal so we don't concede, and another one up front so we score lots". Wow Julian, my respect is eternally yours. Surely it can't be long until the FA come knocking? Actually, Julian Dicks with a Dutch accent would be worth a watch.

Ooh, the excitement of the transfer window!

2009-01-05T15:50:15.869+00:00

For the next month West Ham fans face the difficult task of avoiding newspapers, television, radio, magazines, friends, foes, the tinterweb and any information giving medium more determinedly than Gordon Ramsay after his latest foray ‘off the menu’.

The old saying “no news is good news” has never rung truer. Unfortunately there is a lot of news. There is a worrying possibility that this time next month we’ll be sans Parker, Noble, Bellamy, Upson, Green and anyone else who can kick a football (Faubert should be safe).

However, there is hope. Only a fool would underestimate Zola’s nous. Notice how Dean Ashton’s injury problems mysteriously worsened while he topped the wishlist of several clubs?

Without wishing any Hammer a misfortune, don’t be surprised to see:

- Upson’s flu develop into malaria;

- Bellamy’s attitude problem be reclassified as a certifiable mental disorder which sees him straightjacketed straight to Broadmoor;

- Noble’s feet fall off;

- Ashton undergo scans on his knees which reveal they are in fact made entirely of glass;

- Parker to develop an uncontrollable debilitating allergy to grass.

Then, come 1^st Feb, a miraculous strike of good fortune will see all of these ailments recover in an instant. Ok, not Ashton, that would be more than miraculous.

Well, we can dream. In the meantime I’m off to bury my head in the snow.