West Ham United

I was reading FourFourTwo the other day and there was a letter from a Pompey fan bored of the monotony of the Premier League.  He said he was tired of going into games knowing that nine times out of ten, Team A is going to beat Team B because they’re the bigger team with more money and, consequently, have better players.  

I found this interesting because I’d been thinking something fairly similar.  Each season, there are only four or five teams that can have any realistic aspirations of winning the league.  So, what do the rest of us have to get excited about?  Sure, there’s European qualification.  But only six or seven teams have a real chance of securing one of the top four spots and the Champs League place that comes with it.  There’s the Uefa Cup, but do any of us care about that anymore?  It’s a competition that’s been so devalued in recent years it makes the Carling Cup look like a major trophy.  What’s the point in getting excited about qualifying for Europe only to give your best players Thursday night off, just so they can be fresh for another Premier League game on the Sunday?  Teams that have given the Uefa Cup a proper shot have seen their league form suffer, and therefore wound up in no-man’s land with no Europe the following year.  Perhaps if the Uefa Cup winner was given a Champs League spot the following season it might be a more exciting proposition.  

I started to have a horrible thought.  It’s quite possible that I could support West Ham my entire life and never see them win anything.  When it comes to the league, the odds are very much stacked in favour of not winning it before I kick the bucket.  So, I pondered, is there any point?  Does it really matter whether we beat Sunderland or not?  The only difference it makes is whether we finish 7^th or 8^th which, in a year or two, I probably won’t remember anyway.    

I started to think of how much time and money you could expend following your team, with no tangible return.  

Season ticket every year for 50 years: £30,000

Programme every home game: £3,000

Shirt every season: £2,000

Half-time pie: £4,000

One or two jars: £8,000

Occasional away trip: £5,000

But then I glanced at this weekend’s fixtures, and normality was restored.  

Beating Harry’s Spurs at White Hart Lane: Priceless

The thing is, being a football fan is not an equal give-and-take relationship.  But that’s the beauty of it.  Fans are made to suffer for the cause, but it just makes the great moments that much sweeter.  I still remember our Di Canio inspired 1-0 over Man Utd and the £40 I took from the bookies because of it.  I also remember being nervous they’d rumble that I was under-age.  I remember his goal of the season (Di Canio that is, not my bookie), watching it over and over and never growing tired of it.  I can remember Tevez’s winner against Utd on the last day of the season to save us from relegation like it was yesterday.  

As Jeremy Clarkson would say, “I went on the internet… and I saw this!” 

Well Jezza, I went on the internet last night and, while scouring for absolutely unequivocally undoubtedly completely and utterly perfectly acceptable, moral and decent content… I found this!

http://footymad.net/head-to-head-statistics/

Don’t worry, you can click on this without fear of reprisal from girlfriend/wife/parents; it’s all perfectly decent.  Just like the other stuff I was looking for.  Yes sirree, Bob…

What this website offers is an exhaustive list of stats for matches between any teams you can think of.  AC Milan v Billericay Town?  Never met.  Ok, bad example.  But for any teams that have actually played each other, you’ll find all the past results, records and so forth.  Now personally I’m not much of a Statto, but this will be a godsend for any wannabe John Motsons.  

Anyway, on a totally unrelated topic, I thought I’d furnish you with some stats in preparation for the West Brom game.  Obviously it’s common knowledge that we’ve beaten the Baggies 36 times while they’ve triumphed on 37 occasions, but, y’know, it doesn’t hurt to say it.  The good news is, at home we’re 24 – 17 up.  But you knew that already.  So we’re one game behind, and also three goals shy of their 146.  So 3-0 next week will give a nice symmetry to things.  Failing that, I’d take a repeat of our 6-1 win in the 1964/65 season.  Oh come on, you remember it.  It was the one where… well, where we scored 6 and they scored 1.  In the 1964/65 season.  At home.  Know your facts.  Just don’t mention the 1925/26 game, still pains me to think about it.

I was clearing out some old ‘junk’ at the weekend when I unearthed a hidden gem: A hefty hardback book entitled SuperStars of the Premier League 1996/97 Yearbook.  What a find!  I sat myself down with the book on my lap, grateful for the respite from relentless cardboard boxes and charity shop trips, and flicked through 96 memory-laden pages.  

I enjoyed reliving, and I quote: “The Gallic genius of Eric Cantona, to the flair of Steve McManaman and the ice cool finishing of Dennis Bergkamp”, but naturally my thoughts soon turned to West Ham.  I flipped excitedly to the index, scanned down past Nottingham Forest, Sheffield Wednesday and Southampton, stopping before reaching the treacherous depths of Wimbledon, to find the West Ham entry.  The sole West Ham entry.  In 1996 only one player was deemed worthy of inclusion in this esteemed collection.  That player?  John Moncur. 

That’s right, dear old Moncs, a former victim of Cantona’s Gallic ‘charm’, was proudly sandwiched between Steve McManaman and Stuart Pearce.  Revered company in anyone’s eyes.  The entry was markedly reserved in nature, portraying Moncur as a simple, get it and pass it, kind of player.  In fact, it was as accurate as it was reserved.  

Moncur may have only scored 6 goals in his 176 appearances in claret and blue, but every one was a belter.  Some may remember the 5-4 victory over Bradford in 2000 when Moncur scored a rasping drive from outside the box, falling over in the process.  He ran over to the home fans and took his shirt off in celebration.  When the celebrations died down, Moncur was unable to put his shirt back on and was seen running up the pitch with his shirt still only partially on and was consequently out of position as Bradford hit back immediately from the restart.  I like to think of Moncur these days, running his football academy in Debden, stumbling down the stairs partially dressed, late to train the kids.  

Anyone feeling Moncsick reading this, fear not; he can be seen patrolling the midfield with number 8 and 'Parker' on his back. 

So, the transfer window has closed.  Even for Arsenal.  At least we think it has.  It’s hard to say for certain when even the FA weren’t really sure when the deadline was.

Like any fan, I love the drama of deadline day.  It’s the ludicrous rumours that sometimes actually come true.  It’s the excitement and disappointment that can only matched by another Cheryl Cole-less Christmas Day.  It’s the fans jumping around outside stadiums across the land at midnight, enjoying their moment in the spotlight in the background of Sky Sports News.  It’s the beleaguered Sky Sports News presenters doing their best to appear as if they know more than the rest of us, while avoiding the aforementioned stadium lunatics.  It’s the whole Championship Manager feel of it all.  It’s pure drama, you wouldn’t believe it in a script, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Except this one was a little bit different. 

Firstly, the deadline was pushed back a day, owing to the fact it fell on a Sunday.  Seems sensible, but it was only pushed back to 5 p.m.  Where’s the midnight drama?  I’m sure I’m not the only one who secretly quite enjoys the “I really should go to bed but I’ve just got to stay up for another half hour to find out whether Danny Higginbotham completes his move to Stoke” moments. 

Secondly, it snowed.  A lot.  We’ll never really know the full picture of how this affected the various deals on the day, but I like the image of numerous private jets circling around Manchester Airport desperately seeking permission to land, while Man City execs calculate the cost of insuring Kaka for a parachute descent.  Or how about poor little vertically-challenged Andrei Arshavin completing a medical in the snow?  Good job it wasn’t more than two feet deep, says I.  Because of the snow, homes across the land have been unable to get rid of their rubbish for over a week.  I don’t know what they’re moaning about; Wenger’s had that problem for years…  Emmanuelle Eboué anyone?

Finally, we’re in a recession [groan].  Sick of hearing about it?  Me too.  But when it affects football something must be seriously wrong.  City and Spurs were the only clubs really spending.  Where was the Man U mola, the Chelski cheques and the Liverpool lira?  The problem is, with the pound weaker than a John Paintsil left foot ‘drive’, even the rich weren’t keen to splash the cash.  Most of the transfers were players moving from one Prem club to another, great if you’re the club picking up Shay Given (not so much if you find yourself ladened with “Charles Imsomnia… Charles Inzobia… Charlie” – cheers Joe) but not much excitement for the neutral observer.  I want to see world class players coming in to feature weekly on MOTD, or, preferably, supposedly world class players coming to Stamford Bridge to prove themselves 30 million pound flops.  

Anyway… this week’s entry has been a bit Hammer-free.  Regular readers of this column [tumbleweed…] will remember my fears of what the transfer window would mean for us.  In the end I’m pretty chuffed.  We offloaded Bellamy for a decent fee and brought in Savio Nsereko (guess that’s why we call him Savio) who I know little about but I’m sure he’ll be decent.  You can make your own mind up on the definition of ‘decent’, I’m settling for being better than David Nugent.  But most importantly we’ve hung onto our best players.  I know it’s a cliché but it is a bit like signing some new players.  My pessimistic side had resigned itself to facing the rest of the season without Parker, Noble, Green, Upson, Ilunga and co which, realistically, would have left us in a world of trouble.  Fair play to Gianfranco and Stevie Clarke for a great run of form which has not only encouraged players to see out the season, but convinced the board we can end up with something to show for it.  Maybe my pessimistic side is suffering from all this cold weather but at the moment I’m feeling confident.  Another easy win over Utd this weekend – “Can we play you every week?!” – some more solid league form and a May date at Wembley would be a nice culmination to a season which at one point looked destined to end in disaster.  Who knows, maybe we’d even win the Cup this time round.  Liverpool are already out, at least I think they are, ITV?????? 

On that note, one final prediction to leave you with: ITV securing exclusive rights to screen the closing stages of the next transfer window; with the FA’s unique timekeeping and ITV’s immaculate timing, Wenger may yet get his wish for an endless window in which to not buy players.  

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