West Ham United

Ok, so he’s gone.  No amount of self delusion is going to change it.  It’s no longer an iffy rumour.  It’s past the stage of starting to look a bit likely.  We’re past “my mate’s Mrs is an estate agent and she had an appointment to show a Mr C. Bellamy around a house in Manchester this afternoon".  We’re past the Daily Mail informing middle England (not to be confused with Middle Earth) that “Bellamy has absolutely, definitely, unequivocally, as sure as all immigrants carry the plague and all tasty things give you cancer… decided to join Spurs”.  We’re even past the stage where the Sky Sports news ticker tells us “Bellamy agrees 5 year deal at White Hart Lane” while the image above shows him shaking hands with a Sheikh welcoming him in Arabic spoken with a Mancunian twang. 

We’re at the stage where Bellamy is a City player and we’re left wondering where the goals are going to come from.  I won’t say I’m not disappointed; no one can argue that Bellamy isn’t a nightmare for defences and he was finally beginning to net some regular goals on the back of a partnership with Carlton Cole.  But it’s not a bad bit of business. 

We’ve doubled our money in a couple of years and at 29, he’s only got a couple of years left in him.  Anyway, by Bellamy’s own standards he’s been a lengthy servant at Upton Park.  He’s probably expecting a testimonial. 

The board were always going to say that the money would go on players.  It’s got a much nicer ring to it than “we’re going to hang onto the money we got for our best striker because we’re skint and may need to give Sheff Utd enough money to build a team of steel football-playing robots”.

Oddly, Bellamy’s departure seems to have awakened something in Di Michele.  On Sunday he looked, for the first time, as though he was aware not only that he is the proud owner of two legs, but that by putting one in front of the other he can move around the pitch.  Before that it always looked like he was just waiting for the grass to grow in a different direction to get him into the penalty area.  

If he keeps this up and Carlton Cole cuts out the performances where he looks more docile than Gandhi’s pet puppy then we should be able to net a few goals.  I’d still like to see someone come in, I think it’s the least we deserve, but as long as we’re not relying on Diego Tristan to fire us into Europe we should be ok.  He seems to have been to the same school of greenkeeping as the Di Michele of old.  

I’m feeling optimistic that Freddie Sears will get on his bike (at least until he’s old enough to drive) and emerge as a genuine contender in the next few months.  

Even if we do struggle, we can still be grateful that Man City are starting to make us look like savvy employers – Lucas Neill 60 grand a week?  Bargain. 

Here ye, here ye.  In a statement that will astound many, Hammers legend Julian Dicks has said... wait for it... and you might want to be seated... that... West Ham may face relegation if we sell all of our best players. 

Can you believe it?!

Allow yourself a moment to let this sink in.  It's obviously a cruel and crushing blow to us fans who believed that we'd be far better off without our good players. 

By way of consolation, Dicks did go on to state that we'd probably be alright losing Parker and Upson, provided we retain Green and Bellamy.  I must say I envy Wivenhoe with their newfound tactical genius.  Not since under 5's football have I heard such prophetic wizardry as "get a decent bloke in goal so we don't concede, and another one up front so we score lots".  Wow Julian, my respect is eternally yours.  Surely it can't be long until the FA come knocking?  Actually, Julian Dicks with a Dutch accent would be worth a watch. 

For the next month West Ham fans face the difficult task of avoiding newspapers, television, radio, magazines, friends, foes, the tinterweb and any information giving medium more determinedly than Gordon Ramsay after his latest foray ‘off the menu’. 

The old saying “no news is good news” has never rung truer.  Unfortunately there is a lot of news.  There is a worrying possibility that this time next month we’ll be sans Parker, Noble, Bellamy, Upson, Green and anyone else who can kick a football (Faubert should be safe).

However, there is hope.  Only a fool would underestimate Zola’s nous.  Notice how Dean Ashton’s injury problems mysteriously worsened while he topped the wishlist of several clubs?

Without wishing any Hammer a misfortune, don’t be surprised to see:

- Upson’s flu develop into malaria;

- Bellamy’s attitude problem be reclassified as a certifiable mental disorder which sees him straightjacketed straight to Broadmoor;

- Noble’s feet fall off;

- Ashton undergo scans on his knees which reveal they are in fact made entirely of glass;

- Parker to develop an uncontrollable debilitating allergy to grass.

Then, come 1^st Feb, a miraculous strike of good fortune will see all of these ailments recover in an instant.  Ok, not Ashton, that would be more than miraculous.

Well, we can dream.  In the meantime I’m off to bury my head in the snow.

Can you believe it? West Ham does not have an editor! If you're interested in the post, get in touch. As well as having the honour of being the Catflap editor for the Hammers, you will also have the chance to win:

1. Monthly prize £150 to the editor who posts the most articles

2. Monthly prize £250 to the editor whose blog is editorially strongest

3. Annual prize of £1,500 to the editor who posts the most articles

4. Annual prize of £2,500 to the editor whose blog is editorially strongest

Fancy it? Get in touch with us here