Tottenham Hotspur FC

Another uninspiring International friendly then. It must be Groundhog Day. The shower couldn’t perform in the rain and England is the worst team ever to have kicked a pig’s bladder. When the Three Lions spank Andorra next month look out for “It’s like watching Brazil” headlines.

A team that plays in White, that was a force in the sixties with impatient fans who expect a return to the glory days?

Who’d of thunk it?

Anyway I’m sure this lot would have played last nights chumps off the park.

GK – Ray Clemence
Do you remember when England had the two best keepers in the world? Seems like a very long time ago now. Probably because it was.

LB – Terry Fenwick
As long as we don’t play a Maradona led Argentina any time soon I’m sure he’d do a job.

CB – Ledley King
Imperious against France in Euro 2004 when fit Deadly’s one of the best centre backs in Europe.

CB – Gary Mabutt
To be fair some bloke called Rsol Camp-bell could have made the team but for an unsavoury incident in the summer of 2001.

RB – Gary Stevens
The real Gary Stevens that is, his nickname is ‘Tea Bag’ according to wiki but then again ‘Truth-apedia’ describes Ačimovič as, “a playmaker who has a great passing range and an abundance of skill” so believe what you will.

LMF – Chris Waddle
Save for one penalty one of the best England players of his generation. Fabio would give his black and white cat for a player like him down the left.

CMF – Glen Hoddle
Described by Terry Venables as, “uses his feet better like others used their hands”. We don’t know what this means but hopefully Glenda could write us a letter about it with his left peg?

CMF – Paul Gasgoine
‘The’ star of the 1990 World Cup, the fact it was the only one he played in is a travesty. Gazza we wish you well.

RMF – Martin Peters ( C )
We could have put him anywhere in this team. The definition of big game player, he scored in the World Cup final for crying out loud.

CF – Gary Lineker
The jug eared crisp thief is the only English player to win the golden boot at a World Cup. But according to Graham Taylor he’s no Alan Smith.

CF – Jimmy Greaves
And you thought Lineker was prolific? Greavsie scored only four less goals than Gary in 27 less games. Now if he only got to play in the 66 final…

Subs:
Alan Mullery
Martin Chivers
Edward Sheringham
Darren Anderton

This Greatest XI is based on derby games that have taken place since 1980. Of course this doesn’t really work because none of our keepers have notched against them down the road. But...

GK – Pat Jennings
Shovel hands did play for the team formerly of Woolwich so if he ended up throwing one in his own net I’m pretty sure he was thinking of us.

RB – Christian Zeige
Bad at haircuts, good at freekicks, the less said about his skin the better.    

CB – Graham Roberts
Made of granite, lifted the UEFA Cup, scored against the arse. Legend.

CB – Ledley King
Made of glass, lifted the Carling Cup, scored against the arse. Legend.

LB – Gareth Bale
Slotted a cracking free kick in his 1st game against a*senal. Legend in the making.

RMF – Aaron Lennon
Too many 'a’s' in his first name but scored the goal that let us believe we could do it in the 5-1 mauling.

CMF – Paul Gasgoine
“Brilliant. That is schoolboys own stuff.”

CMF – Glenn Hoddle
Only got one against the boys from the library (now the hemroids stadium) but the best midfielder of many a generation.

LMF – Chris Waddle
The waddler always looked knackered and played even better for Marseille than he did for us. A class act.

CF – Jurgen Klinsmann
Won everything there is to win in international football. His highlight must be scoring at Highbury in a Spurs shirt.

CF – Gary Lineker
Scored the final nail in the gooners coffin at Wembley in ’91. ‘We beat the scum 3-1’ has a better ring to it anyway.

Subs:
Edward Sheringham
Steve Archibald
Osvaldo Ardiles
Clive Allen

North London natives since 1882, 1919 still not forgiven, Bill Nicholson – best ever, push and run, Greavsie, Gilzean, year ends in one. First British team to lift European trophy, first double winners. Hoddle, Waddle, Chas and Dave, cups, Ossie’s dream, “Is Gasgoine gonna have a crack? He is you know.” Klinsman’s dive, entertainers, decline, love a moan, false dawns, now’s our time, maybe next year, sell best players or walk for free. The Tottenham way.