Manchester City FC

You get to a point where you think whats the bloody point. I'm there. I sent Ingridd and Olga back to Stockholm, they'd been kicking up for a while. I guess it's not easy living with a man obsessed with football, but living with a man obsessed with poetry and football, well I might as well have been Beelzebub himself. No sooner would I finish writing a villanelle about Villa or a haiku about Halifax when one of them would make some unreasonable sexual demand, so what could I do but nip down The Bell to finish off my clerihew.

Bazinho has bitten the dust too. Who was I kidding there's only one sort of Brazilian I could be likened too. So it's down to me and the cat, you'll be glad to know that Zizou is still here, although pretty amazed to discover that Zizou is in fact his given name.

I guess I'm the granddaddy of Catflap bloggers so I feel a certain responsibility to set a good example and tell it like it is.

Football is ridiculous. You celebrate beating one of the Big 4 one week only to be humbled by lower league opposition the next, its like life, and life is ridiculous.

I know a person, shall we call him X who lives breathes sleeps and eats his beloved team, he knows everything about their history, their squad, the under 11's girls team's fixtures. He has a full length cardboard cut-out of his hero (now retired) and an inflatable mascot (comes with puncture kit). His boast is he's not missed a game home or away for 11 years, he missed the birth of his first daughter and got married in the close season, before the friendlies started. He once flew home from a holiday in Corsica to see a reserve match against the local rivals...it was the debut of the new centre froward they signed from Gillingham for £100,000.

I bet you all know one of these dedicated fans too, maybe you are one? I'd just like to say good luck to you. I'm going to watch 'The Boy With The Striped Pyjamas' at the cinema with my daughter tonight (review to follow) then I'll be home and go to bed with a mug of Ovaltine and a book of Ted Hughes's poetry...and you call me strange.

Barry

What is wrong with football today? We can't use that old overpaid-poodle argument, because well it's...well old for a start. Corruption? Nah been around for decades. Referees - too obvious. Technology, rule changes, foreign players, the national team, grass roots...all old hat. What's wrong then? - In my not so humble opinion - the lack of humour.

When was the last time you laughed at a football match, and not in an ironical way. There used to be haircuts to laugh at, ref's tripping over the ball, goalkeepers coliding with the post, streakers, even the odd crazed steward or team mascot winding up the opposition fans. We used to laugh at the pies, 'who's ate all the meat!' An empty pastry case was as much part of match as a flooded urinal, if you didn't go home with your Puma's smelling of wee then you hadn't enjoyed yourself. We used to laugh at the one nutter in the crowd one took off his shirt on a freezing cold terrace in February, now half the Newcastle crowd come half naked anyway to prove their undoubted loyalty, but it ain't funny anymore.

We laughed at the bloke with the wispy wig who'd get a direct hit in the mush from a half volley from the centre-half up for a corner, sending wig and a scattering of teeth onto the terraces. We'd laugh at the solitary fan who tried to jump the wall and run half the length of the field to abuse their goalkeeper for making a lucky save, only to slip on the touchline and get pounced on by over zealous stewards. We'd laugh at the bloke who had brought his new girlfriend on their first date to Maine Rd, he'd nip off for a bovril and when he returned she'd legged it, everyone would laugh untill the poor chap himself would have to join in even though his heart was breaking. We'd laugh at the 'seasoned' professional who'd give the linesman (as they were known then) some well chosen advice about protecting his family jewels after awarding a foul against him for stamping in the face of the other team's left winger.

Yes football was funny. Now it's so serious if you even so much as smirk at a miss-hit free kick that lands in row ZZ the avid fan next to you gets upset and spends the rest of the game making over-loud comments to his mate like "I don't know why some people come, if I was them I'd stay home in my armchair..its safer" (17 expletives deleted). I miss football. I miss not giving a monkey's toss if we won or lost. I can't enjoy the defeats anymore...how did life become so serious, and dull.

Bazinho

told you didn't I!

B.

Top 5 lyrics from The Smiths

1. But sometimes I'd feel more fulfilled
Making Christmas cards with the mentally ill (from Frankly Mr. Shankly)

2. Oh ... sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking
When I said by rights you should be
Bludgeoned in your bed (from Bigmouth Strikes Again)

3. But there's Panic on the streets of Carlisle
Dublin, Dundee, Humberside (from Panic, how else was Carlisle going to get mentioned in a song?!)

4. Sheila take a, Sheila take a bow
Boot the grime of this world in the crotch, dear (from Shelia Take a Bow, unsurprisingly)

5. Hand in glove
The sun shines out of our behinds
Yes, we may be hidden by rags
But we've something they'll never have (from Hand in Glove - should be the City anthem!)

Bazinho

Call me cynical but i reckon it will end 2 -2 and Geovanni's bound to get one of 'em against his old club.

Bazinho

So Hellboy has an 'absoulute mandate' according to his boss Sheik Mansour bin Zayed Al Nayhan after a catch up meeting in Abu Dhabi, well is this Abu Dhabi's equivalent of the dreaded 'vote of confidence'? One of my all time heroes Gil Scott Heron begins his amazing 18 minute song  'B Movie' (which I'll post) by saying 'Mandate My Ass!' Right on brother! Just my exact feelings.

Does Hellboy have the vision? Has he got the right players in his sights? Wayne Bridge? Oh I'm tempted to cook a pot roast or something equally as daring and that revelation...or do we have the manager we need to cope with the owners plans? Hellboy now more than ever needs to make some major (and I don't mean John) signings in the window (and that's not the square, round or acrch one). If we are to hold onto Bobbie in the summer things have to change big time...my god, Sifaeli and his mate 'Arry are on a charge!

So listen to Gil's tune...it's amazing!

Bazinho

In the words of that mercurial mancunian wordsmith Morrisey 'How Soon is Now?' Is it too soon to be talking about Hellboy era in the past tense? Clubs take a chance, they give a manager as much rope as they see fit, but the man won't just hang himself, he can hang the whole club. We all know how close Ol' Red Nose came to failure and look what he's done since and contrast that to Sven. On the other hand Spurs held onto Oneday Ramos for half a season too long! Big Sam performed miracles at Bolton year after year, went to Newcastle and was a total disaster, so how long should they get?

Hellboy hasn't done much right at City, his record is much worse than Sven's at a similar point and we havn't seen any great tactical awareness, on the contrary there have been puzzling decisions, Micah at left back? Undoubtedly some of his players have let him down, most surprisingly The Dunney Monster, captain and player of the season 3 times in a row! We've had a lot of disruption through injuries, especially to Petrov, but also Bojinov just as he was looking good, Benji and Vas, who have just returned. Also suspensions havn't helped (Zab and Kompany) and there are more to come. My biggest fear is that we will loose Bobbie, he has been incredible and Hellboy still doesn't know how or where to play him, just as well perhaps as this 'freedom' has led to Bob filling his boots. Those who were against Hellboy's appointment in the first place (and yes I was one) will be saying the old 'I told you so' pretty soon, but I want to see him succeed and personally I'm prepared for a full season (and a half) more of the Hellboy era, before we assess his achievements, or not.

So last word with his gladioli swinging nobleness - lets not be too hasty and just pray that next April we're not singing 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now'.

Bazinho

Things have to even themselves out over a season, don't they? Let me put the record straight, can't complain too much about the defeat, except I hate with a passion our 'arry. Oh and the fact that Mike Dean ruined a perfectly good contest with some bizarre decisions. Dunne and Gelson were guilty of stupidity, but I doubt that being thick, in footballing terms, is a justification for being sent off but they have only themselves to blame, oh and that wombat Dean.

Spurs played well, old Sifaeli is probably recording a video right now singing the praises of Mr D. Bent, wearing just his lucky Y-fronts and a carnation, strategically placed. I can't believe that was the same Bentley thats Spurs signed, he actually looked half decent, and as for Benty, back in my fantasy team he goes.

We should have scored more. The talk will turn to Hellboy's future now, or lack of one...some nut in some rag suggested Darren Ferguson...you're having a bubble as our 'arry would say. (that's bubble bath - laugh? ask Sifaeli).

City fans take a deep breath, eventually all will level out, either Hellboy gets the time to sort things out or we get a new manager, remember how close old red nose came to getting the sack...was it even a Hellboy goal that saved him...in the F A cup semi-final against Oldham? Hellboy you're sacked!

Bazinho

Well I can't keep making fun of Steve McLaren's accent as it appears he really can't help it! So what about his hair, Tufty welcome back! How did those road safety films work out?

And so to the game...it was exciting, open and full of mistakes, an amazing goal from Bobbie and an amazing miss from one of their players right at the death - summary over let's get back to Tufty McLaren...

More seriously our 'run' in europe will almost definetly be the deciding factor in Bobbie staying or joining Fat Phil at Chelski. Since signing for City, Bob's sacked his agent and more worringly Big Fat Phil has sounded off at every opportunity that he wants him at Chelsea. Chelsea will qualify for next season's Champions League and the only things you can see that will keep the godlike one at Eastlands are: City qualifying for Champions League - unlikely to say the least, winning silverware - possible, but still unlikely, team bonding into one big family - at this point extremely unlikely. So it would be only the unadulterated adulation afforded to the godlike by the masses that might tempt him to stay, which is the most likely of all, and if he scores some more goals of the quality of that one last night he will enter the collective imagination of the blue side of Manchester as a God.

I'm still not happy with the way the team is playing, but Hell Boy is making the right noises...(see above video)

Bazinho

The latest from Eastlands is that after scoring the winner for the reserves Monday night against L'pool that Benji could be in Hell Boy's starting line up against FC Twente this thursday. Vass also played for the first half and will give Hughes some options up front. Good to see Ben Mee still progressing at centre half and our flying Austrian left winger Vladimir Weiss - when will he be ready? Petrov could be out for 4 months, we could do with some balance of the left hand side, take the pressure of Shaunie.

Rumours abound at Eastlands, who will Hell Boy sign in January? Aguero? Where would he fit in? Taiwo from Marseille seems like a more sensible signing to bolster up the defence, Warnock (from Blackburn) in exchange for Onouha is another on the table, we do need to get a regular left back, Micah is suffering out there. Its almost Christmas so who knows perhaps Santa will come early?

Ingridd has been trying on her Santa costume just in case someone comes down the chimney.

I slipped off the roof last year!

Bazinho

I'm expecting a close game. Obama has been excellent going forward but a little dodgy at the back. McCain has the form away from home, especially in prisoner-of-war camps but his bench is weak and Palin is a worry. I'll try and stay awake for the result as it will be historic either way, got the beers in and an extra packet of Doritos.

My prediction is Obama 3 - 1 McCain aet.

Steve McLaren will bring his unique language skills to Eastlands this Thursday night.

Thees hees my predeliction for le coming feature against the team of City Manchester who it will be most interesting to be playing with, or in fact hagainst. I maybe expecting a tight pair of winkle pickers to line up on the side called the left of the city fields and most of le temps I ham expecking a three pronged trident and Derek O'Balmer the Irish defender to be most...as you say hup for it.

Score: City 0 - 22 FC 20, 23 38 38 double D.