Liverpool FC

Doesn't everybody love the FA Cup? Maybe the teams that haven't won the competition don't have as much of an affinity with it but when the competition comes round again I bet there's a voice in their fans heads that says "Maybe this is our year". Teams that are struggling in the league often say that a good cup run can give them a boost, although maybe not Middlesbrough who were relegated after reaching 2 cup finals... and lost both, that's a real kick in the knackers isn't it.

I love the FA cup for the times that we've won it; 5 in my lifetime and all very different from each other. The 1st all Merseyside final in 1986, against Everton again in 89 after Hillsbrough when it was more than a Cup Final. There was our comfortable victory against plucky underdogs Sunderland in 1992 and then Michael Owen stealing the trophy from out of Arsenal's grasp with 2 late goals in 2001 when Arsenal had battered us. The final in 2006 was one of the greatest finals of all-time with us winning on penalties after being 2-0 down and Steven Gerrard bursting West Ham's bubbles with THAT injury time equaliser.

I love Cup Final day itself, regardless of who is involved. There's the build up from midday, the showing of great cup goals and moments, "Abide with me" being sung and then the match itself. Yet, it's not just the Final that I love; "The Road to Wembley" has given me great moments as a Liverpool fan. Beating Manchester United in 2006 then Chelsea in the Semi Final (see vid). The amazing 3-0 win over Villa in 1996 will remain in my memory as the epitome of Robbie Fowler's greatness. There's the earlier matches where some cocky lower league side travel to Anfield talking about how they're going to take our scalp, then we beat them soundly to put them in their place, although obviously I love the underdogs when a team like Bradford goes to Goodison and knocks the Bluenoses out!!!

The FA Cup can offer unbridled joy...

Nothing raises a smile when at a game like a hilarious comment from someone in the crowd... well maybe the ref falling over...or Gary Neville cocking-up for a goal. There is something brilliant when some comedian comes out with an outrageous remark. Quite often the funniest ones are when the person is not actually trying to be funny at all. My Brother & I were at a match a while back, i forget which, and during a particularly poor performance an irate fan's patience snapped as another pass went astray; "LIVERPOOOOOOL!!!! You shower of bastards!!!" What an insult.

The usual chant from the visiting fans of "Shall we sing a song for you?"  is something that really riles me up. It's a staple song visiting fans will sing regardless of the volume and vociferousness of the Anfield crowd. One winter's day against Charlton a portly gentleman sat in the row behind me had clearly had enough. Our seats were in the corner right by the visiting fans and when they decided to sing that song once again, the chubby fella decided to respond; "Yeah how about Mull of Kintyre?" he yelled as the rest of the stadium was at near silence, silence soon turned to laughter. As it did on Wednesday night as one bloke urged Liverpool to play better with the reasoning "Come on Reds, I've Sky Plus'd this shite".

I'm sure that everyone who has been to a game has been fortunate enough to hear pearls of comedy gold and feel free to comment on this post with your all-time favourites. The lower the level of the teams being watched doesn't mean that the comedy value will be any lower, at a match at the base of the non-league pyramid my mate had me in stitches. A horrific foul lead to the usual boos and chants of "Off, Off,Off" but as that simmered down my mate rose to his feet and bellowed "Banish him to the stands", strangely enough it was only me and my mates that found that amusing. I suppose it's whatever tickles your funny bone.

Don't you just love Sports Report on Radio Five Live? Firstly, there's the theme music (see here) which is legendary especially when interspersed with the right headlines:

Dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur-dur-dur-dur dur-duuuuuuuuuur, diddley-dur-dur-dur, diddley-dur-dur-dur "Neville breaks leg as United lose to Hull" Dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur-dur-dur-dur dur-duuuuuuuuuur, diddley-dur-dur-dur, diddley-dur-dur-dur "Cahill arrested for punching fan he mistakes for a corner flag" Dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur-dur-dur-dur dur-duuuuuuuuuur, diddley-dur-dur-dur, diddley-dur-dur-dur "Liverpool smash 7 past Bolton at the Reebok"

Well, we can all dream can't we? Then it's over to James Alexander Gordon to read out the classified results and his inability to say the word "Wanderers", hence the title to this post.

Anyway onto tomorrows match. A home banker for Bolton seeing as Rafa has just been named "Manager of the Month" for October. Is the award still a curse? I can't remember if it's been banished by now. Well let's ignore superstition and fallacy and concentrate on the football. We need a serious improvement from Wednesday night but seeing as probably only Dan Agger will be starting on Saturday from the XI that started on Wednesday that seems a bit irrelevant. So the Spurs game is irrelevant, superstition is irrelevant, what is relevant? Will Torres start? That's relevant, I reckon he'll start on the bench with Mascherano replacing Benayoun from the last league game against West Brom. We have a problem at right back with Arbeloa suspended and Degan out injured... that goes without saying really. Carragher could shift over with Hyypia coming in or a league debut for Stephen Darby could be on the cards. I'd opt for the youngster after Sami's midweek performance.

Bolton have shot up the league after stringing a couple of results together and for us this would be a great opportunity to put Chelsea under pressure by winning before they play. It's nicely poised and on a personal level a Liverpool win is a necessity, I can't have Bolton Ed; Magic Mick, lording it over me in the World of Catflap!

All together now: "Dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur-dur-dur-dur dur-duuuuuuuuuur, diddley-dur-dur-dur, diddley-dur-dur-dur..."

Last week saw new Argentine National Team Coach Diego Maradona visit Melwood (and some 2 bit establishment down the road) to check in on Javier Mascherano. I thought I'd use this opportunity to show a clip of Maradona because there's not much we like more than watching a fat bloke taking the piss out of defenders!

I used to hate Maradona, it obviously stemmed from the infamous "Hand of God" goal against England in the 1986 World Cup. That was around the time I remember first watching football, it was after the '86 Cup Final where Liverpool sealed the double, and as much as the football in that World Cup I remember the sticker book I had where the smaller teams, such as Morocco, had to make do with 2 players per sticker and also that there seemed to be a giant spider above the pitch at the Aztec Stadium!!!

Maradona was just a cheat, he knocked us out off the World Cup by cheating and that's it, sod that 2nd goal, it was all about his handball. He also played for Argentina, what's to like about Argentina? It was all about Brazil for me as a youngster, I used to watch video after video of the old Brazilian teams, Pele was God and the list of amazing players is too long for this 350 word post. Why like Argentina when you've got Brazil? Argentina were just a bunch of island invading cheats, Brazil's rivals and England's enemies and Maradona WAS Argentina when it came to football.

And then you grow up. You like your legends to have a bit of an edge, a nasty streak, the "troubled genius" syndrome or the fact that they're just plain old bonkers!!! Sadly Maradona become a caricature of himself due to a large appetite for food and also South America's other famous export. The clip show's him at his skilful best but also kicking people in the nuts, rolling around in mud, yelling into the camera, doing kick-ups with water bottles and generally being a mad bastard!

... and this...

... and this...

...and this...

Note: Andy Gray's commentary is class "Oh. My. Goodness"

The opportunity to see feats of beauty like this...

As much as I hate playing Manchester United, including feeling on the verge of being sick beforehand, I equally love playing them. I love playing Manchester United because of how much I hate them. The opportunity to put them in their place and send them snivelling back to Salford and beyond. The opportunity to anger Confused Uncle Ferguson. The opportunity to make Gary "Sixth Form Mustache" Neville go home and cry his eyes out with Phil, Neville Neville, Neville Neville Snr, Neville Neville the Youngest and Auntie Neville. The opportunity to cut off their annoying fans excuses with "Shut up. We Beat You". The opportunity to come together with thousands of other like-minded people in the shared hatred of a richly deserving target. The opportunity to float along on cloud nine afterwards with nothing being able to burst the bubble of contentedness that you're floating along in. Its difficult to sum up in words the feelings that are created during and after a win against this horrible shower of hypocritical swine. Possibly the best way is by screaming "YES" but where each letter has been replaced with an incoherent mix on random consonants which become "YYYNNNGGGRRRHHHLLLEEEGGGSSS". Under Rafa we've not been able to achieve those feelings and yell like a pissed wilderbeast, opportunities have been missed. The opportunity comes again on Saturday, the opportunity to see feats of beauty like this...

Three Lions? World in Motion? "Outstanding" by Andy "Andrew" Cole? Nope, the greatest football song of all time is without doubt The Anfield Rap. The lyrics are brilliantly bad, the rapping is amazingly awful, the dancing is delightfully dreadful and the clothes, well the clothes are crap really aren't they? Unfortunately I can't post the entire lyrics due to exceeding the word count but a few examples of the sheer articulateness are rhyming "Barnes" with "Bananas", rhyming "Alright La" with "Talk Proper" and getting the esteemed commentator Brain Moore to rap:

"They've won the league, bigger stars than Dallas
They got more silver than Buckingham Palace
No-one knows quite what to expect
When the red machine's in full effect

Well Steve McMahon sure can rap
It's about time he had an England cap
So come on Bobby Robson, he's the man
'cause if anyone can, Macca can
Macca-can... Macca-can... Macca-can... Macca-can..."

I remember the day that my brother came home from being shopping with my mum with the vinyl single and playing it over and over again and I still have it to this day. The truly disastrous part of The Anfield Rap is that it goes hand in hand with our defeat to Wimbledon in that years FA Cup Final just as the ridiculous cream suits are with the defeat to Manchester United in 1996. Is there a trend appearing here?

Its not just the stupidness of it all that I love but the fact that the players were willing to send themselves and have a laugh in the video. What are the chances that you'd get Gerrard, Torres & Hyppia chomping at the bit to don a shellsuit and baseball cap and spin round on their heads? Slim to none. Football has changed into a much more serious sport so its nice to look back on things that remind you how much fun football can be.

All together now... "Liverpool FC are hard as hell..."

Formed 1892. 1901- 1st League title of 18. The Kop. Shankly Arrives- promotion, first FA & UEFA Cups. Shankly Retires, Paisley takes charge- 1st European Cup & adds 2 more. Fagan’s Treble. Dalglish – Heysel, The Double & Hillsborough. Souness- high price transfers, low league finishes. Evans- Return to the boot room, but no return to glory & the last day of The Kop. Houllier’s 2001 Cup Treble. The Rafa-lution- Istanbul: We’ve won it 5 times!!!