Liverpool FC

When asked by a local Bermudan what "PNE" stood for on his T-Shirt, my mate helpfully explained that it was an acronym of the team's name; "Pens 'N Envelopes". He went on to describe how the club was started by a businessman who owned a stationary firm and he had decided to name the club after his own company.

Did the guy believe him? I was too busy stifling my laughter and pretending to concentrate on the match to find out. I don't see why not, it seems pretty feasible to me.

The match kicked off at 1:30pm in Bermuda and it signaled the start of my last full day on the island after 12 days of "bad craziness", as Dr Thompson would say. I settled down in a bar by the harbour with breakfast and a beer alongside a large contingent of Liverpool fans, a Gooner and 2 Man Utd fans who decided to show their support of Preston North End by making their own T-Shirts.

Rafa showed how important he is taking the FA Cup with his team selection; Babel & Cavalieri deputising for Kuyt & Reina respectively. We started slowly with Preston having a fair share of the possession and we took 15 minutes to create a real chance with Keane shooting wide. Keane would go on to have one of those days; missing plenty of good chances and then setting up Riera when he should have gone for goal himself. Sandwiched between all that; Riera settled a few Reds fan's nerves about an upset by opening the scoring with a ferocious left foot shot. Preston had the ball in the net in the second half but Parkin decided to rugby tackle Carragher to stop him clearing the cross from which Elliot scored. I don't think Carragher would have got near the cross and the striker's foul was a bit of luck for us.

Late on Preston had a number of corners and freekicks but couldn't create anything of substance; nothing as spectacular as the mountain of shot glasses that me and my fellow revelers were able to construct throughout the match. With around 20 minutes remaining Fernando Torres made his long awaited return to choruses of "Liverpool's Number 9" and plenty of bouncing from the Red's fans at Deepdale and in Bermuda. With Preston pressing for the equaliser the ball broke to Gerrard who closed down on goal but unselfishly squared it to "El Nino" to tap in his comeback goal and first in the FA Cup. Game over. Job done. A few scares here and there but our name is in the hat/plastic tub for Round 4.

Many sports folk are given honours in the queen's new year's honours list whether it be our own Steven Gerrard MBE or Sir Les Ferdinand. Well seeing as this year's honours list is full of Cyclists and Swimmers I thought I'd dish out my own recognitions across football. Sorry to all of those who missed out, maybe next year.

• Marouane Fellaini receives a honourary ABE (Afro of the British Empire) for services to hairdressing.

• Ricardo Fuller gets a PBE (Puncher of the British Empire) for services to teamwork.

• A DBE (Dreamer of the British Empire) for services to realism over believing he is moving to Real Madrid is awarded to Jermaine Pennant.

• William Gallas is the proud recipient of a honourary BMBE (Big Mouth of the British Empire) for services to the art of putting your foot in it.

• Roy Keane is definitely deserving of a honourary QBE (Quitter of the British Empire) for services to bottling it.

• For his dedication to match preparation; John Carew is awarded with a TBE (Trainer of the British Empire).

• Jermaine Defoe was a late choice of a CBE (Crybaby of the British Empire) for services to spitting your dummy out.

• Phil Brown also receives a CBE (Cheerleader of the British Empire) for his services to touchline histrionics.

• Christiano Ronaldo was always certain to add to his numerous awards with a honourary SBE (Slimeball of the British Empire) for services to the art of being a whingeing, diving, overacting whore.

• A SBE (Swearer of the British Empire) for services to articulation goes to Joe Kinnear.

• Steven Gerrard bags a MBE double (Musician of the British Empire) for services to DJing.

• Hurelio Gomes was an undoubtedly deserving winner of a honourary JBE (Juggler of the British Empire) for services to circus performing.

• A honourary LBBE (Lucky Bastardo of the British Empire) is handed to Juande Ramos for services to mind boggling decisions after his awful tenure at Spurs landed him the Real Madrid managers job.

A fully deserving mob.

Fernando Torres: 7/10. 5 goals in 9 league games can't be sniffed at but his season has been punctuated by injuries. We need him to stay fit in 2009 to give us a real boost coming up to the business end of the season.

Robbie Keane: 7/10. Much has been made of his lack of goals and 7 in 25 games isn't what you'd expect from a £20 million striker. His performances have been good but isn't perfectly suited to the lone striker role. And who knows, maybe he'll get to finish a game in 2009.

Dirk Kuyt: 6/10. What is he doing? I never know what he's doing. For me he's still "Dirk the Enigma". Went through a rich vein of scoring form but that seems a long time ago now. Passing  and technique can be shambolic at times but then will pop up with a late winner. He gives his all, but I still don't think he's good enough.

Ryan Babel: 5/10. Hasn't improved from last year and due to his attitude has probably taken a step back. I expected a really big year from the winger but hasn't shone at all. To be fair most of his appearances have been as substitute but a big improvement is required. Scored the winner against "The Scum" so gets an extra mark just for that.

David Ngog: 5/10. A rough diamond, has probably featured more than Rafa would have liked due to Torres's injuries. Got his first goal in Europe recently but this is a season of bedding in.

Nabir El Zhar: 6/10. Not the finished article by any stretch of the imagination but with Babel failing to convince he will get more chances as the season goes on.

and finally...

Rafa Benitez: 9/10. Top of the league, what more can we ask for? Well there are a couple of things:

• Don't pick Lucas ahead of Alonso or Mascherano again.

• Be bolder with substitutions when drawing games, go for the 3 points instead of worrying about losing the 1.

Javier Mascherano: 8/10. Not figured as much as last year due to the Olympics at the start of the year and Rafa's tactics at Anfield. However, when he does play, he's normally very good. Passing still goes awry from time to time but "The Monster" is the best at what he does.

Xabi Alonso: 9.5/10. Player of the Year so far. Anyone who said he should be sold to finance the Barry move should be ashamed. Our creative node in the middle of the park and scored the winner at Stamford Bridge to boot.

Lucas Leiva: 4/10. Started the season quite abominably and no-one could believe he was Brazilian given the amount of passes he gave away. The boo boys at Anfield were on his back but his performances have improved recently. Rafa has faith in him but he should never be chosen ahead of Alonso or Mascherano.

Damien Plessis: 3/10. Had a cracking debut away at Arsenal last year but when seen this year he seems to have gone backwards. Back to the reserves.

Yossi Benayoun: 6/10. Undoubted talent but it seems that when he plays we try and walk the ball in the net instead of being a bit more direct. When he's had starts in the team he hasn't cemented a place but has improved of late.

Jermaine Pennant: 3/10. Surely he has to move in the summer. So far down the pecking order he's probably eating his own feet! When he has played he's shown nothing to think he should force his way into Rafa's plans. A move to Real Madrid? Has a stranger thing ever happened?

Albert Riera: 7/10. I wasn't convinced when we signed him but he's proved me wrong. Gives us good balance on the left but unfortunately Rafa has him down as his 66 minute substitution.

Stephen Gerrard: 9/10. Playing off the striker as much as in midfield this season and has 8 league goals and 5 in the Champions League so far. Can be taken for granted by the fans but is still our most important player.

Being at the end of the year and midway through the season I thought I'd have a review of our player's performances so far.

Pepe Reina: 9/10. Top Drawer. Doesn't have too much to do thanks to the defence but when he does he does it remarkably well, although still has sporadic "James-esque" moments. Launches quick counter-attacks.

Diego Cavalieri: 5/10. A typically Brazilian keeper . Produces wonderful saves and then his mind snaps and he comes for crosses that not even Hurelio Gomes would consider.

Alvaro Arbeloa: 7/10. Has been very solid at right back which is fortunate given Finnan's exit. Needs to cut out needless bookings which have already cost him a suspension.

Philip Degan: 0/10. Who???

Stephen Darby: 6/10. Good to see the young local lad get a few appearances, hopefully that will continue in 2009.

Jamie Carragher: 8/10. Has been liable to more mistakes this season and still loves an aimless punt downfield but his determination, character and er... stopping power can't be faulted.

Sami Hyypia: 8/10. Slower than sloth and needs a runway to turn but Sami has put in quality performances thanks to his ability to read the game as easy as if it were a "Spot the Dog" book.

Dan Agger: 7/10. When he came back into the team for Skrtel he was quite poor, as his fitness has improved so has his performances.

Martin Skrtel: 9/10. Was having a phenomenal season before being injured at Man City. Now on the mend the pressure will be on Agger & Hyypia

Fabio Aurelio: 7/10. This season he's showed his best form since coming to the club but his susceptibility to injuries must have earned him the nickname "Redknapp".

Andrea Dossena: 2/10. A very, very poor showing so far by the (somehow) Italian International. Lost his place to Aurelio and now Insua. Hopefully he'll be back in Italy at some point in January.

Emiliano Insua: 8/10: I've been impressed by the young Argentine but anyone could look good when replacing Dossena. Strong in the tackle and quick to get forward and join the attack.

Adebayor annoys me with his posturing and arrogance, I didn't like his prolonged dancing at Anfield when he thought his goal had won the Champions League Quarter Final when there was still 5 minutes (and 2 goals) remaining. With that in mind it was satisfying to see him get sent off, deservedly so. People may disagree but you can't go into to tackles with your studs showing if you foot is almost knee high. I love seeing combatative 50/50 challenges and great sliding tackles but Adebayor's were neither. Andy Gray tried to defend the second one by saying he was trying to get his body between the defender and the ball; fair enough but you don't need to have your foot a yard off the ground with your studs showing to achieve that. Adebayor admitted it was a foul but not a yellow card; he barely (if at all) connected with Arbeloa but that "tackle" was dangerous play.

Adebayor raged that Arbeloa "threw himself on the floor as if I had put a knive in him". Arbeloa did himself no favours and I'm not defending him, Adebayor said he couldn't call Arbeloa a cheat but that it wasn't "fair play". Pot, Kettle, Black...Earlier in the match Adebayor punched the ball out of Reina's hands towards the goal, thankfully the linesman flagged that the ball had gone out of play. Hardly the epitome of fair play. Then Adebayor's striking partner collapses suggesting Riera had elbowed him in the face, there was no elbow thrown and when Van Persie realised the ref wasn't giving anything he leaps to his feet and acts the tough guy. Feigning injury or trying to get players booked/sent off is deplorable no matter who does it and I won't defend a Liverpool player guilty of it. However, Arbeloa wouldn't have done it if Adebayor hadn't flown towards him with his studs aimed towards his knee and his elbow towards the Spaniard's face with the ball a good 5 feet away. Adebayor preaching fair play? I'd rather listen to a lecture on "Losing Graciously" given by Alex Ferguson.

"Hey Yates, you heard that the new shopping complex 'Liverpool One' has changed its name? Yeah it's now called Liverpool Nil!!!"

Oh ha di ha di ha. And this came from a Villa fan the night they get beat 2-1 at home to MSK Zilina, the audacity of the man!

I found it even less funny when I worked out that over the last 3 games I've spent £112 on match tickets to see 3 dreadful performances and a solitary goal. Oh and whack a £35 parking ticket charge on top of that too. Don't get me wrong, it's not about the money but that's a pretty bad return. Also, when I paid that scally a quid to mind my car I thought it would have included scaring off traffic wardens! What's the world coming to???

Has anyone seen the film "Unbreakable"? (If not, don't watch the vids below!) It stars Bruce Willis and Samuel L Jackson and is about a guy with a bone disease (Jackson) trying to find a man who can't be hurt (Willis). Jackson's character "Elijah" has a disease that means his bones are very brittle and the slightest impact means they break; he walks with a cane or is wheelchair bound and spends a lot of time in hospital, as a child Elijah was taunted by his friends and called "Mr. Glass". The character must have been based on Philipp Degan!!!

Now we've had some injury prone players in my time: Jamie "Long, Skinny Tie" Redknapp, Paddy "My Mum's Favourite" Berger, Vegard "Meg 'um" Heggam and so on and so on, but this Degan chap takes the biscuit. He was injured in pre-season; he recovered and played in the Carling Cup tie against Cardiff where he broke 2 ribs. Another lay off ensued but he returned again to face Spurs on Wednesday where, you guessed it, he was injured again. This is ridiculous. Not even Darren Anderton; Mr Sicknote himself, got injured in every game he played. OK, Kevin Gallagher broke his leg for Blackburn on his return form... a broken leg but to mind I've seen him finish a match.

The annoying thing is that we actually need Degan now. Nobody gave a damn when we signed him; it was only when we sold Steve Finnan that I took any notice of him. Arbeloa gets an early season suspension due to his penchant for picking up stupid bookings and when we need Mr. Glass to step into the fray where is he? On the treatment table of course. Now it's not Degan's fault, he obviously doesn't injure himself and it's daft to lay blame at his door (because he'd trip over it and be out for 6 weeks) but why has Benitez bought a player who spent most of last year injured and sold "Mr Reliable" Steve Finnan. When it comes to full backs Rafa isn't so astute.

(Voiceover) Welcome to the final part of "Perma-Kops”. Thank Christ for that, this thing has dragged on longer than a Gareth Barry transfer! Anyway, after questioning Gerrard Houllier and not being arsed to listen to his answer the mustachioed pair return to Liverpool and are frustrated in their quest to find the Red Robber...

Cue to 70's Cop Music and images of Souness lifting the European Cup and McDermott combing his moustache.

GS: Mac, time's running out. We've got to find this burgling bum before the PSV game.

TM: Maybe it’s not revenge but jealousy.

GS: That's not a bad idea, and who do we know who are most jealous of Liverpool?

Together: Everton!!!

GS: Now which of those under achieving, over-rated catastrophes would have the baws to do this?

TM: Someone who’s jealous of the Liverpool players for having the international shirts and the medals that he can't get himself. A local lad who knows the city.

Together: It's got to be him!

Souey & The Mac burst through a front door and search a house. They enter some kind of shrine; there are pictures of Liverpool's triumphs but with the offenders head photo-shopped onto them. The Red Robber lifting the cup instead of Gerrard and again with the FA Cup. There are international shirts with the original name removed and his name crudely drawn on in felt tip. The name reads: Hibbert!

Tony Hibbert walks into the room

TH: What's going on?

GS: Hibbert! You're the Red Robber.

TM: You're jealous of the Liverpool players. You've never won any medals; you've never had an England Cap. That's why you've stolen all these medals and memorabilia.

TH: Stop, Stop. It's true. I want to play for Liverpool. Its awful playing for Everton, we'll never win anything and we know it, that’s why we're all bitter buggers.

GS: Get the handcuffs Mac, we're taking him in.

TH: Wait a minute, you're not actually policemen.

TM: Shit. He's got us there Souey.

TH: I'm getting Big Dunc round.

GS: Oh shite, Mac lets get the hell out of here.

END

(Voiceover) Some stuff happened in the previous episodes, i wasn't really paying attention. What I do know is that Graeme Souness & Terry McDermott; "The Perma-Kops", are hot on the trial of The Red Robber, and it's lead them to the scene of one of their great triumphs.

Cue 70's Cop Theme Music and images of Souey & McDermott disco dancing and flying into tackles on muddy pitches.

GS: OK Mac, lets put our heads together

TM: Not literally though man, our perms would cause some kind of static explosion.

GS: You're right Terry, lets think then. What have these robberies got in common?

TM: Well, they're all houses that belong to Liverpool players, we know that much.

GS: That's right. Now why would someone want to harm Liverpool and it's players?

TM: Revenge!

GS: Great thinking Mac but we've done a number on a few clubs and players over the years, we'll need to narrow it down.

TM: Well, this burglury business only started when Benitez arrived.

GS: I've got it. Gerrard Houllier; the French Fibber. He wants revenge for us sacking him and forcing him to go and win title after title with Lyon.

TM: That's spot on Souey, lets get over to gay Paris and see what excuse he's got for this.

We see a plane leave John Lennon Airport and Land at Charles De Gaulle airport. Then we see Souey & The Mac burst into Houillier's house.

GS: Right Houliier, we've traveled for 4 hours to get here and had all our Soul Glo confiscated at customs, you better tell us what we want to know. Are you The Red Robber, have you been burglarizing the Liverpool players?

GH: Of course it's not me, I'm a Liverpool fan, when I went to University in Liverpool I used to stand on The Kop, I used to watch great players like...

TM: Christ Souey, let's just take his word for it, I can't be arsed listening to this story again.

GS: You're not wrong there. Anyway, I've got a feeling the rat is closer to home.

End

An evening down the pub turned into a hotbed of football debate that Sky Sports "Sunday Supplement" (with or without Jimmy Hill) would crucify Brian Woolnough to be able to replicate. We headed to a local hostilely for a few beers and to have Arsenal v Wigan providing a football backdrop. We soon realised that the pub's perfectly positioned plasma screens were hindered by not being subscribed to Sky Sports. They had freeview and therefore had Sky Sports News, so we drank and watched the vidiprinter unfold tonight's football story.

Tonight we concluded:

Tony Cottee's ties are so huge that if he and Jamie Redknapp sat next to each other it would give the same effect you get when you walk into a "Hall of Mirrors" at the circus.

20 years ago Johnny Metgod was on those cards we collected in a packet of "Soccer Candy Sticks"

Peter Kenyon looks exactly like Ray Wilkins, if Ray Wilkins had his head in an elastoplast for a week which made it go all shriveled.

We wished that as kids, we'd stolen a friend's sticker book and put Carlton Plamer stickers on each space on the Man United page. Even a Man United fan wished he'd done this.

Arsenal's Jay Simpson had his first initial; "O", deleted by deed poll so that he wasn't tarnished with his father's illegal brush... or knife.. or burglary gloves*

Iain Dowie was sacked by QPR for one reason; the 2nd richest club in the world couldn't have such an ugly manager. Flavio Briatore had one request for Dowie; that he would staple a £20 note to cover his face to show how rich they are. Dowie refused and played hardball, that failed when Briatore correctly pointed out "You're not the only manager around you know". "Shit" thought Dowie "He's right".

FC United of Manchester are the Chelsea of the lower leagues, flashing the cash to buy the best players in their league. Now they can't do it in the Unibond as others have more cash and are now mid-table. Ha!

And that's Tuesday Night Football!

* Allegedly

 

(VOICEOVER) Last week on Kops & Robbers... well actually, just read the last episode you lazy sods. For those of you who can't read; here's a quick reminder. Graeme "Souey" Souness & Terry "Terry Mac" McDermott; "The Perma-Kops" have been hired by the Anfield hierarchy to find out who has been robbing the player's houses. They left the American Owner's offices to hunt down the culprit in a haze of "soul-glo" and static electricity.

Cue 70's Cop Show Music and scenes of Souness & McDermott lifting trophies, drinking champagne and sliding over the bonnets of Ford Capri's.

Souey and The Mac are hurriedly walking through Liverpool City Centre discussing how best to approach their dilemma.

GS: Right Mac, we've no suspects, no evidence and no motive. We need to think fast or who knows who's going to be next on this guy's hit list.

TM: Everyone's performance is going to suffer. How can people perform if they don't know who is going to be targeted next. And when it does happen to them it'll take some time for them to get over it.

GS: You're not wrong Mac, I mean; this guy could strike at any time. Its haphazard, it's thoughtless, it seems to have no pattern.

TM: You're dead right there Souey, my perm has lost all it's style too man. I can't believe someone has stolen our soul-glo!!!

GS: How are we supposed to concentrate on catching the Red Robber when our bonces don't have their usual bounce?

TM: Its OK Souey man, we're here now.

GS: Thank God, let's get in quick so we can take these daft balaclavas off, my moustache is beginning to itch.

Souey & The Mac enter "Mane Attraction" hair salon and soon exit again with their bouncy perms in full effect and dripping in soul-glo.

TM: Right Souey, now the perms are sorted we can get back to catching The Red Robber

GS: Nay bother pal, no one will escape now we've got our perm power back.

Together: The Perma-Kops are back!!!

END

(VOICEOVER) "The red half of Liverpool is in chaos. Numerous burglaries have left the Liverpool players fearing for their possessions, their signed shirts, their jewelery. They take to the field knowing their houses may get burgled senseless. The police are useless, they still haven't banged up Arsenal for robbing us back in 1989, 19 years and no conviction against Graham, Smith & Thomas, although Thomas did do community service in Liverpool's midfield. This is no time for police, its beyond that. We need to hark back to age where crime fighters came in pairs, they came in flares, and had facial hair...s. It's time for Souness & McDermott - The Perma Kops".

Cue 70's Cop Show Music and scenes of Souness & McDermott scoring goals and chasing scallies down Anfield Road.

Graeme "Souey" Souness & Terry Mac are at Anfield for a meeting with the club's owners.

GS: Och, what do these Yanks want Mac? I'm working hard to perfect my nonchalont but authoritative television style.

TM: Aye man, I'm trying to talk KK into going back to Newcastle, I'd been there so long I've no idea what to do now.

A tubby American bursts open an office door.

Tom Hicks: You guys the "Perma Kops"? Get you asses in here.

GS: (Quietly) he talks to me like that again and I'll jib him.

TH: Look guys the namby pamby police force won't do a damn thing about all these robberies and we can't stand for it anymore. Some douche-bag is running round robbing our players houses, scaring the bejesus out of their families. I mean they're stealing from great heroes... and Lucas Leiva. It's gotta stop.

Another man swivels round in a chair stroking a cat

George Gillet: And you boys are the the ones who are gonna stop it. Will you make Liverpool FC proud again?

Souey & Terry Mac look at each other and then at the Americans

Together: We'll do it

They bound out of the office, their flares billowing as they go.

TH: Jesus H Christ George, there's Soul-Glow all over the chairs!

End

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. In this instance the sword is a big, sharp, rusty last minute goal. Having claimed victories against Sunderland, Boro, City & Wigan with late goals I won't start moaning about the misfortune of losing to one of the buggers. I've spent most of the season laughing hysterically as late winner after late winner fly in, well now the jokes on the other foot isn't it? On Saturday I knew my luck was out after Dirk smashed in the opening goal. The pub I was in had a "Name the 1st Scorer/Time" pot and as regular readers will know, I'm a staunch fan of the "Trying Dutchman", okay maybe not but for some reason I lumped my money on Dirk. As I sat down from cheering as we went one up, I turned to the innkeeper "I'll have my prize please, no one in their right mind will have bet on Dirk". Turns out one such lunatic does exist, and his choice of the time of the first goal was nearer than mine. It wasn't to be my day.

"I can't believe it" cried Rafa and neither could I. Benitez bemoaned the spurned opportunities and it seems to be a bit of a broken record when he says that we need to more clinical in front of goal. Luck played an important role in this match. It seemed that we were constantly being denied by the woodwork and before Carragher nodded the ball into his own goal we were comfortably in control of the match. I do feel that Rafa shot himself in the foot by bringing off Keane with 25 minutes left, Benitez clearly had one eye on Tuesday's match against Atletico Madrid. After another shot came back off the post I turned to my mate "If we don't get one soon, we won't win this", unfortunately he was more on the right lines when he responded "If we don't get another one soon, we're gonna lose" This was a day where there were no prizes for guessing correctly.

Is Man City Ed; Bazinho, the new Wesley Snipes? Sure the resemblance isn't there and I'm not for one minute suggesting the Mr Tench's taxes aren't in order, it's Snipe's character Sidney Deane from "White Men Can't Jump" that reminds me of him. His recent post stated that watching Liverpool was a fate worse than the one that meets the hot cheerleader in clichéd horror movies because, in a nutshell, we are boring to watch. Like Woody Harrelson's character asked Sidney Dean in the aforementioned film, would Bazinho rather "Look good and lose, rather than look ugly and win?". I'm not having a pop at Baz here, he thinks watching Liverpool is boring which is fair enough, but do the ends justify the means?

Under Houllier I thought we were boring, playing long ball, counter attacking football most of the time but Rafa changes style to suit the opposition, going to Chelsea we did defend but only after taking the game to them and scoring the early goal. I'm not here to defend Benitez, he can do that himself by pointing at the league table. In the mid-nineties under Roy Evans we played free-flowing attacking football and finished 3rd or 4th because our defence was as water tight as a 10p roll of toilet paper. After those years of great football and scant reward I'm more than happy for Rafa to upset the football purists to lead us to success and silverware. The silverware that already includes winning the greatest champions league final ever and arguably the most exciting FA Cup Final.

I will concede I'd rather see a more exciting blend of football but it's surely about getting the right mix of attacking bravado and actually winning games. Chelsea were labeled as boring when they won their league titles under Mourihno but I'll wager that not one fan wanted to send the trophy back as they won "ugly". If Bazinho is insistent on exciting football at all times then we'll have to leave him with his empty trophy cabinet and recent years of mid-table finishes... and the odd relegation.

Continued from Part 1

Phil Neal: "Foul play?"

Toni Polster: "Look at the facts Mr Neal. Liverpool's right back position was under an Irish monopoly with Steve Finann the only option. Suddenly the Spaniards look to take over and the unknown, shady character Alvaro Arbeloa is brought in"

PN: "So, we need strength in depth"

TP: Look what happened to Finnan. The Irish Monopoly was smashed and he fled the country. Degan was brought in  but he has gone missing, maybe into hiding"

PN: "What are you getting at?"

TP: "You know exactly what I'm getting at Mr Neal. You've suspected this for some time. Alvaro Arbeloa is ruling the right back position by fear and intimidation"

PN: "No, surley not"

TP: "Yes Mr Neal, look into your heart you know it to be true"

PN: "Oh God"

TP: "He has abducted Degan and he threatened to expose Finnan as not really being Irish if he didn't leave the country. Arbeloa is the footballing equivalent of Kaizer Soze. A man who controls men's minds, despite his control of the ball not being great"

PN: "Why come to me? Why not go to the police or the FA?"

TP: "We need a man on the inside, we need to find Degan, our first choice right back is suspended for the World Cup Qualifiers"

PN: "What makes you think I can help?"

TP: "You're Liverpool's greatest ever right back, you know how a full back thinks, you can get inside Arbeloa's head. Become his mentor, gain his trust and he will lead you to Degan"

PN: "What's in it for me?"

TP: "The assistant manager's role for the Swiss Under 21's. It will be difficult to explain. All of Swtitzerland saw that Graham Taylor comedy... er... documentary"

PN: "Well when you put it like that, I'll do it. But if I miss a call from Fabio Capello inviting me back into the England set-up then I'll be very upset"

TP: (To himself) "and you'll be dreaming too"

PN: "What?"

TP: "Nothing Mr Neal, nothing at all. Good night, and Good Luck"

A man uses his umbrella to shield him from the torrential rain and walks quickly down the alley to get out of the horrible weather. The alley is lit only by a flickering neon sign that reads "Private Investigator" and when the man reaches the doorway he sees notice on the door that reads "Phil Neal: Private Investigator. No job too small or strange, I'll even consider the Newcastle job". The man opens the door and makes his way up the staircase,  knocks on the door at the bottom off the hallway and waits.

Phil Neal: "W...w...wait a minute, don't come in"

The man enters the room

PN: "I said DON'T come in" as he turns off the television and looks rather sheepish

Toni Polster: "What were you watching"

PN: "Nothing, nothing, never you mind, it's embarrassing"

The man looks down and sees the video case: "Do I Not Like That - The Final Chapter".

TP: "Ah I see, that was embarrassing for you wasn't it?"

PN: " I'm only watching it so I can see how they edited it to make me look like a Yes Man for Graham, it's an unflattering edit"

TP: "Yes, yes it was unflattering"

PN: "Anyway, what makes you brave this weather to come to my office"

TP: "Well Mr Neal, I am here on secret state business. My name is Toni Polster and I have been sent here by the Swiss FA an..."

PN: "The Sweet FA?"

TP: "No Mr Neal, the SWISS FA. Now I am here on secret buisness as it appears that one of our agents... er I mean... players has been missing in action for some time and his whereabouts have become unknown. He has gone Missing In Action".

PN: "Missing In Action? Isn't that a Chuck Norris film"

TP: "Yes Mr Neal, but this drama involves Liverpool Full Back Philipp Degan"

PN: "Who?"

TP: "Your lack of knowledge on this individual is understandable Mr Neal. He has been rarely seen at Anfield since his arrival, and we feel there has been foul play"

To be continued...

I should just be happy with today's result and being 3 points clear at the top of the league. However I can be a moaning swine and there's a couple of incidents from today's game that wound me up. It wasn't Howard Webb's booking of Steven Gerrard for what was a wonderful tackle. I won't be harping on about the usual arrogance shown by Cole, Mikel & Terry. It was actually two Liverpool players that annoyed me today.

Javier Mascherano had a brilliant game today showing his usual determination of chasing down opponents despite them having a head start and hassling them out of possession. However he has clearly not learnt his lesson from Old Trafford last season when he saw red for mouthing off at the official. Ashley Cole had already been booked when he carried out a pretty reckless foul that may have ordinarily brought about a caution. Masch probably asked the referee about a 2nd booking and when the ref shrugged off his questions Javier decided to keep up his protests until the official reached for his yellow card. Masch then did his usual laughing with a look of disbelief whilst pointing at himself. Yes. You. Stop being a mouthy bugger!

The second point that caused me annoyance has was from our own captain. Normally I won't have a word said against Steven Gerrard; my local barman got a thick ear for singing some Anti-Gerrard songs the other week, but nevertheless I'm sick of a trait that he seems to have picked up from Christiano Ronaldo. Too often when he was tackled today he stood and waved his hands at the referee expecting to be given a freekick. Fans of other clubs may say this has been happening for sometime whereas I'd normally agree that he'd been fouled but today they were clearly not infringements. I hope to Fowler that he's not becoming like some of the Chelsea, Arsenal & United players who seem to believe they should get a free kick just because they say so and who is the referee to argue?

In my match report on the Wigan game I implied that Steve Bruce was mistaken when he said that neither of Antonio Valencia's infringements were worthy of a yellow card. Having seen the incidents again yesterday I would like to reiterate my comments, Bruce WAS wrong when he said that NEITHER of them were yellow cards but he's correct about the first one. Valencia was booked for breaking out of the wall too early but he actually rushed out AFTER Xabi Alonso had tapped to ball for Gerrard to shoot, Gerrard was too busy looking at referee Alan Wiley and asking him to get the ball back to realise the kick had been taken. A similar thing happened at Newcastle last year when Lucas tapped the ball when Gerrard wasn't looking but that time the ball ended up in the back of the net (see vid below). So, I'm sorry Mr Bruce, I was wrong and I'm sure you can see the funny side now. You can't? Oh come on, like Danny Baker once said on his "Own Goals & Gaffes" video; we're not laughing AT you, we're laughing TOWARDS you.

The Man City match was a great game; amazing goals, controversy, red cards, injuries and a hugely exciting ending. Only Vince McMahon, as head of World Entertainment Soccer, could have improved on it.

The match is poised at 2 all between World Entertainment Soccer Team Manchester City and W.E.S.T Liverpool. The opening strike by Stephen "6 Grans" Ireland was followed up with a beauty by Javier "The Spaniard Not Playing for Liverpool" Garrido. Liverpool must be beaten, surely they can't come back from the dead, they're out for the count... almost.

The fight back begins with El Nino turning in a cross from "The AA" and W.E.S.T Liverpool are back in it. "Long Range" Alonso tries to start another attack but is assaulted by "The Beast of Buenos Aries" Pablo Zabaleta, the referee banishes Zabaleta to the stands. The equaliser is scored when El Nino takes advantage of the tiring City players, they're nearly out on their feet and "Maniac" Martin Skrtel doesn't help when he tries out his new finishing move; "The Karate Kick to the Back" on Jo, this is conveniently missed by the referee. Ched "That's not a real name" Evans gets his own back on "Maniac" Martin buy dropping a banana skin under his foot as he lands from winning a header, "Maniac" Martin is stretchered of and its 10 v 10.

As City hang on it looks like its heading to a draw. A corner comes in for Liverpool and is cleared to the edge of the box where its finds Didi "The Twitch" Hamann. Hamann goes to smash the ball up the park which would be the last kick of the game. Suddenly he swivels to face his own goal and unleashes an unstoppable shot to make it 3-2 to W.E.S.T Liverpool. The stadium is silent as ex-Liverpool player Hamann runs to the Liverpool fans; he tears off his Blue City shirt to reveal a W.E.S.T Liverpool top and he escapes into the fans of his old club.

No one can quite believe what they have seen, except for Vince McMahon that is.

"All we need now is Keane to get the 3rd and Cahill to get sent off"

Well, my brother may have been a little bit optimistic with the 1st part of his wish on Saturday but Timmy & Mike Riley duly made the 2nd part come true!!!

As Liverpool fans only know too well, some American businessmen have taken a keen interest in the English Premier League recently. Hicks & Gillet, The Glazers, and guy called Randy at Villa have taken control at European Cup Winning clubs. A recent pub discussion turned to what would happen if Americans took charge at a governing body level and in particular the World Wrestling Entertainment owner Vince McMahon? The Premier League's name is changed to World Entertainment Soccer and each club is called a World Entertainment Soccer Team and must have the leagues initials before their name. W.E.S.T Liverpool, W.E.S.T Everton,. W.E.S.T West Ham etc.

We start with this weekend's hotly anticipated fixture between W.E.S.T Liverpool & W.E.S.T Manchester United, renamed "Anfield Armeggedon". The first half sees goals from "The Trying Dutchman" Dirk Kuyt and Howling Mad Masherano followed by a reply from "Handsome" Carlos Tevez. As the 2nd half wears on "Clubman of the Year" Christiano Ronaldo dives for a penalty which he converts to draw the scores level. The game continues with "El Nino" a constant threat and after another near miss Gary "The (include derogatory expletive here)" Neville goes down feigning injury. Whilst the ref looks at the cheerleaders, the physio passes Neville a set of brass knuckles. Agger the Dagger pumps the ball downfield and unbeknown to the officials, Neville thumps Torres in the head knocking him out cold. With no substitutes left and the seconds ticking away it all looks over for Liverpool. Suddenly there's a commotation in The Kop as a figure runs down the stairway, the tannoy explodes with "You'll Never Walk Alone" as a fully kitted-out Robbie Fowler jumps onto the pitch, intercepts a pass and smashes the ball into the goal. Confused as much as he usually is Mike Riley counts that Liverpool have 11 men on the pitch, awards the goal and blows for full time. United demonstrate, Liverpool celebrate and Vince McMahon rubs his hands with glee: "Now that's World Entertainment Soccer".

Some people have short memories. When our lack of width on the left was again brought up I heard the comment:

"Just hear me out on this one but we may regret getting rid of Harry Kewell"

Now I know the start to the season hasn't been perfect but surely there's no need for that kind of talk!!!

“I hope Robbie Keane doesn’t score” murmured a guy sat a few feet away from me on Saturday afternoon. Nothing wrong with that comment coming from a Sunderland or Tottenham fan but a few eyebrows were raised seeing as the guy whose mouth it came from was wearing a Liverpool top. Apparently the gentleman was worried about history repeating itself for when he was pressed as to why he didn’t want the Irishman to cap his league debut with a dream goal he provided us with his reasoning in the form of a question. “What have Nigel Clough, Stan Collymore & Djibril Cisse all got in common?”, there were a few choice answers but the one that the historian was looking for was that they all scored on their debut after big money transfers moves… and all went onto be huge disappointments. No debut goal for Keano but I'm sure that the superstitious historian will be willing him on to score against Boro on Saturday on his Anfield debut. The last big name signing that didn't score on the opening day of the season but notched when making his Anfield bow? That's right, Fernando Torres, and if Keano can do that and then follow in El Nino's footsteps I don't think we'll be having to turn to superstitions for much longer.

Formed 1892. 1901- 1st League title of 18. The Kop. Shankly Arrives- promotion, first FA & UEFA Cups. Shankly Retires, Paisley takes charge- 1st European Cup & adds 2 more. Fagan’s Treble. Dalglish – Heysel, The Double & Hillsborough. Souness- high price transfers, low league finishes. Evans- Return to the boot room, but no return to glory & the last day of The Kop. Houllier’s 2001 Cup Treble. The Rafa-lution- Istanbul: We’ve won it 5 times!!!