Liverpool FC

My first away trip of the season and I almost ended up sitting amongst the home support. Thankfully an 11th hour interjection meant I took my place with the rest of the Reds... well the majority of them. The first goal saw a few Liverpool fans who were sat amongst the Bolton faithful being ejected whereas the 2nd goal lead to some rabid Bolton fans trying to climb into the corporate boxes to get at celebrating Liverpool fans!!!

How were there only 2 goals? Keane, Gerrard, Torres & Lucas should have fattened our winning margin and Ricardo Gardner missed 2 absolute sitters for Wanderers. We bossed the first half but there was too much distance between Gerrard and Keane and moves invariably ground to a halt and had to start again. We looked set to go into the interval one up, through a sublime header by Dirk, until the ref decided to give Bolton a disputed corner. A contentious corner on the stroke of halftime, with 3 Bolton players stood around Pepe Reina? I sensed a goal, thankfully Rob Styles controversially decided that Reina had been obstructed before Cahill headed home. Maybe Styles was still feeling guilty after handing Chelsea that ludicrous penalty at Anfield last season.

We were dreadful for the first 20 minutes of the second half and Bolton should have capitalised, Gardner wasting their best opportunity when after "rounding" Reina (Fantasy Football League anybody?) he sliced high and wide. The introduction of Torres breathed new life into us and Gerrard in particular, he was now dying to get forward to link up with El Nino and after failing to connect with one of Torres's crosses he made amends by nodding home the crucial second.

All games can now be classed "must win", it's not a familiar place to be in as by now we'd normally be out of the title race and the odd slip up wouldn't be too costly in our battle for 3rd/4th. Chelsea & United don't look like dropping many points and its imperative we match their resilience, ruthlessness and results.

Has anyone seen the film "Unbreakable"? (If not, don't watch the vids below!) It stars Bruce Willis and Samuel L Jackson and is about a guy with a bone disease (Jackson) trying to find a man who can't be hurt (Willis). Jackson's character "Elijah" has a disease that means his bones are very brittle and the slightest impact means they break; he walks with a cane or is wheelchair bound and spends a lot of time in hospital, as a child Elijah was taunted by his friends and called "Mr. Glass". The character must have been based on Philipp Degan!!!

Now we've had some injury prone players in my time: Jamie "Long, Skinny Tie" Redknapp, Paddy "My Mum's Favourite" Berger, Vegard "Meg 'um" Heggam and so on and so on, but this Degan chap takes the biscuit. He was injured in pre-season; he recovered and played in the Carling Cup tie against Cardiff where he broke 2 ribs. Another lay off ensued but he returned again to face Spurs on Wednesday where, you guessed it, he was injured again. This is ridiculous. Not even Darren Anderton; Mr Sicknote himself, got injured in every game he played. OK, Kevin Gallagher broke his leg for Blackburn on his return form... a broken leg but to mind I've seen him finish a match.

The annoying thing is that we actually need Degan now. Nobody gave a damn when we signed him; it was only when we sold Steve Finnan that I took any notice of him. Arbeloa gets an early season suspension due to his penchant for picking up stupid bookings and when we need Mr. Glass to step into the fray where is he? On the treatment table of course. Now it's not Degan's fault, he obviously doesn't injure himself and it's daft to lay blame at his door (because he'd trip over it and be out for 6 weeks) but why has Benitez bought a player who spent most of last year injured and sold "Mr Reliable" Steve Finnan. When it comes to full backs Rafa isn't so astute.

(Voiceover) Welcome to the final part of "Perma-Kops”. Thank Christ for that, this thing has dragged on longer than a Gareth Barry transfer! Anyway, after questioning Gerrard Houllier and not being arsed to listen to his answer the mustachioed pair return to Liverpool and are frustrated in their quest to find the Red Robber...

Cue to 70's Cop Music and images of Souness lifting the European Cup and McDermott combing his moustache.

GS: Mac, time's running out. We've got to find this burgling bum before the PSV game.

TM: Maybe it’s not revenge but jealousy.

GS: That's not a bad idea, and who do we know who are most jealous of Liverpool?

Together: Everton!!!

GS: Now which of those under achieving, over-rated catastrophes would have the baws to do this?

TM: Someone who’s jealous of the Liverpool players for having the international shirts and the medals that he can't get himself. A local lad who knows the city.

Together: It's got to be him!

Souey & The Mac burst through a front door and search a house. They enter some kind of shrine; there are pictures of Liverpool's triumphs but with the offenders head photo-shopped onto them. The Red Robber lifting the cup instead of Gerrard and again with the FA Cup. There are international shirts with the original name removed and his name crudely drawn on in felt tip. The name reads: Hibbert!

Tony Hibbert walks into the room

TH: What's going on?

GS: Hibbert! You're the Red Robber.

TM: You're jealous of the Liverpool players. You've never won any medals; you've never had an England Cap. That's why you've stolen all these medals and memorabilia.

TH: Stop, Stop. It's true. I want to play for Liverpool. Its awful playing for Everton, we'll never win anything and we know it, that’s why we're all bitter buggers.

GS: Get the handcuffs Mac, we're taking him in.

TH: Wait a minute, you're not actually policemen.

TM: Shit. He's got us there Souey.

TH: I'm getting Big Dunc round.

GS: Oh shite, Mac lets get the hell out of here.

END

Don't you just love Sports Report on Radio Five Live? Firstly, there's the theme music (see here) which is legendary especially when interspersed with the right headlines:

Dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur-dur-dur-dur dur-duuuuuuuuuur, diddley-dur-dur-dur, diddley-dur-dur-dur "Neville breaks leg as United lose to Hull" Dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur-dur-dur-dur dur-duuuuuuuuuur, diddley-dur-dur-dur, diddley-dur-dur-dur "Cahill arrested for punching fan he mistakes for a corner flag" Dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur-dur-dur-dur dur-duuuuuuuuuur, diddley-dur-dur-dur, diddley-dur-dur-dur "Liverpool smash 7 past Bolton at the Reebok"

Well, we can all dream can't we? Then it's over to James Alexander Gordon to read out the classified results and his inability to say the word "Wanderers", hence the title to this post.

Anyway onto tomorrows match. A home banker for Bolton seeing as Rafa has just been named "Manager of the Month" for October. Is the award still a curse? I can't remember if it's been banished by now. Well let's ignore superstition and fallacy and concentrate on the football. We need a serious improvement from Wednesday night but seeing as probably only Dan Agger will be starting on Saturday from the XI that started on Wednesday that seems a bit irrelevant. So the Spurs game is irrelevant, superstition is irrelevant, what is relevant? Will Torres start? That's relevant, I reckon he'll start on the bench with Mascherano replacing Benayoun from the last league game against West Brom. We have a problem at right back with Arbeloa suspended and Degan out injured... that goes without saying really. Carragher could shift over with Hyypia coming in or a league debut for Stephen Darby could be on the cards. I'd opt for the youngster after Sami's midweek performance.

Bolton have shot up the league after stringing a couple of results together and for us this would be a great opportunity to put Chelsea under pressure by winning before they play. It's nicely poised and on a personal level a Liverpool win is a necessity, I can't have Bolton Ed; Magic Mick, lording it over me in the World of Catflap!

All together now: "Dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur dur-dur-dur-dur-dur dur-duuuuuuuuuur, diddley-dur-dur-dur, diddley-dur-dur-dur..."

(Voiceover) Some stuff happened in the previous episodes, i wasn't really paying attention. What I do know is that Graeme Souness & Terry McDermott; "The Perma-Kops", are hot on the trial of The Red Robber, and it's lead them to the scene of one of their great triumphs.

Cue 70's Cop Theme Music and images of Souey & McDermott disco dancing and flying into tackles on muddy pitches.

GS: OK Mac, lets put our heads together

TM: Not literally though man, our perms would cause some kind of static explosion.

GS: You're right Terry, lets think then. What have these robberies got in common?

TM: Well, they're all houses that belong to Liverpool players, we know that much.

GS: That's right. Now why would someone want to harm Liverpool and it's players?

TM: Revenge!

GS: Great thinking Mac but we've done a number on a few clubs and players over the years, we'll need to narrow it down.

TM: Well, this burglury business only started when Benitez arrived.

GS: I've got it. Gerrard Houllier; the French Fibber. He wants revenge for us sacking him and forcing him to go and win title after title with Lyon.

TM: That's spot on Souey, lets get over to gay Paris and see what excuse he's got for this.

We see a plane leave John Lennon Airport and Land at Charles De Gaulle airport. Then we see Souey & The Mac burst into Houillier's house.

GS: Right Houliier, we've traveled for 4 hours to get here and had all our Soul Glo confiscated at customs, you better tell us what we want to know. Are you The Red Robber, have you been burglarizing the Liverpool players?

GH: Of course it's not me, I'm a Liverpool fan, when I went to University in Liverpool I used to stand on The Kop, I used to watch great players like...

TM: Christ Souey, let's just take his word for it, I can't be arsed listening to this story again.

GS: You're not wrong there. Anyway, I've got a feeling the rat is closer to home.

End

Talk about setting yourself up for a fall!!! My preview for this game was a rabid, raving rant representing my revulsion of 'Arry Redknapp and his roller-coaster ride of redemption since replacing Ramos. I spouted off about wanting us to burst his bubble, blah, blah, blah. We'll I've been put in my place.

Spurs played well, attacked well, closed down well and their fringe players really wanted to give a good account of themselves. Our mob seemingly weren't interested in increasing their chances of regular first team football; they were abject, a disgrace, I wanted to slap many of them in the face a call them "a swine". Full Back really is Benitez's blind spot when it comes to signings, Degan was free but I can't see what Benitez saw in him to get rid of Steve Finnan.  £7 million Dosenna "the Doorman" hit a new low; his positioning was wretched, his pace was pedestrian and his work rate was student-like. Our two experienced centre halves played like incompetent misfits who had never clapped eyes on each other. Ryan Babel clearly thought that this game was beneath him so he just ran with the ball until he was surrounded by 3 Spurs players. On the right wing, El Zhar was the only player, apart from subs Alonso, Insua & Darby, who could hold his head up, he showed skill and a desire to get on the ball and a bit of drive. Torres visibly wasn't match fit and didn't fancy pushing himself too hard and alongside him David Ngog was a calamity. We lost the game in centre midfield; Lucas & Plessis were downright awful. Neither of them could pass to a red shirt, they seemed to look at a Spurs player and nonchalantly roll the ball to him. On numerous occasions they were so unaware of what was going on around them that they were robbed of the ball in their own half. I've never understood Rafa's insistence on playing Lucas so much, he must really rate him. Well if the future is Lucas, the future is worrying...

An evening down the pub turned into a hotbed of football debate that Sky Sports "Sunday Supplement" (with or without Jimmy Hill) would crucify Brian Woolnough to be able to replicate. We headed to a local hostilely for a few beers and to have Arsenal v Wigan providing a football backdrop. We soon realised that the pub's perfectly positioned plasma screens were hindered by not being subscribed to Sky Sports. They had freeview and therefore had Sky Sports News, so we drank and watched the vidiprinter unfold tonight's football story.

Tonight we concluded:

Tony Cottee's ties are so huge that if he and Jamie Redknapp sat next to each other it would give the same effect you get when you walk into a "Hall of Mirrors" at the circus.

20 years ago Johnny Metgod was on those cards we collected in a packet of "Soccer Candy Sticks"

Peter Kenyon looks exactly like Ray Wilkins, if Ray Wilkins had his head in an elastoplast for a week which made it go all shriveled.

We wished that as kids, we'd stolen a friend's sticker book and put Carlton Plamer stickers on each space on the Man United page. Even a Man United fan wished he'd done this.

Arsenal's Jay Simpson had his first initial; "O", deleted by deed poll so that he wasn't tarnished with his father's illegal brush... or knife.. or burglary gloves*

Iain Dowie was sacked by QPR for one reason; the 2nd richest club in the world couldn't have such an ugly manager. Flavio Briatore had one request for Dowie; that he would staple a £20 note to cover his face to show how rich they are. Dowie refused and played hardball, that failed when Briatore correctly pointed out "You're not the only manager around you know". "Shit" thought Dowie "He's right".

FC United of Manchester are the Chelsea of the lower leagues, flashing the cash to buy the best players in their league. Now they can't do it in the Unibond as others have more cash and are now mid-table. Ha!

And that's Tuesday Night Football!

* Allegedly

 

I'm glad this game has come around quickly after our defeat against Spurs the other week. This competition is our lowest priority but (adopt Kevin Keegan voice) I'd love it if we beat them. I've nothing against Spurs in particular but I just want us to beat 'Arry and burst his bubble. I want to knock Spurs out of the cup that has been the only silverware they've won, or been near to winning, since 1991. I want a deflected Jamie Carragher long range shot to squirm out of the finger tips of Gomez to seal the victory and I want Pavyluchenko to miss a dozen sitters. I don't know why I'm in such a vengeful mood, but I really want to stick it to Redknapp and his Romanticised Renaissance.

Rafa will no doubt field a second string side, the likes of Lucas, Plessis, El Zhar, Insua, Cavalieri & Ngog should all feature. I'd really like to see a couple of the English youngsters such as Stephen Darby & Jay Spearing get a bit of a run but this is unlikely. Phil Neal better hurry up and find the illusive Philipp Degan as with Arbeloa suspended for the next league game he could do with getting a game under his belt at right back, although wearing a belt would probably give him a hernia injury. Gerrard & Keane definitely don't play but Torres is going to be given a chance to improve his sharpness and will hopefully smash in a goal off Gomez's nose! WOW! I'm really not taking losing well at all am I?

(VOICEOVER) Last week on Kops & Robbers... well actually, just read the last episode you lazy sods. For those of you who can't read; here's a quick reminder. Graeme "Souey" Souness & Terry "Terry Mac" McDermott; "The Perma-Kops" have been hired by the Anfield hierarchy to find out who has been robbing the player's houses. They left the American Owner's offices to hunt down the culprit in a haze of "soul-glo" and static electricity.

Cue 70's Cop Show Music and scenes of Souness & McDermott lifting trophies, drinking champagne and sliding over the bonnets of Ford Capri's.

Souey and The Mac are hurriedly walking through Liverpool City Centre discussing how best to approach their dilemma.

GS: Right Mac, we've no suspects, no evidence and no motive. We need to think fast or who knows who's going to be next on this guy's hit list.

TM: Everyone's performance is going to suffer. How can people perform if they don't know who is going to be targeted next. And when it does happen to them it'll take some time for them to get over it.

GS: You're not wrong Mac, I mean; this guy could strike at any time. Its haphazard, it's thoughtless, it seems to have no pattern.

TM: You're dead right there Souey, my perm has lost all it's style too man. I can't believe someone has stolen our soul-glo!!!

GS: How are we supposed to concentrate on catching the Red Robber when our bonces don't have their usual bounce?

TM: Its OK Souey man, we're here now.

GS: Thank God, let's get in quick so we can take these daft balaclavas off, my moustache is beginning to itch.

Souey & The Mac enter "Mane Attraction" hair salon and soon exit again with their bouncy perms in full effect and dripping in soul-glo.

TM: Right Souey, now the perms are sorted we can get back to catching The Red Robber

GS: Nay bother pal, no one will escape now we've got our perm power back.

Together: The Perma-Kops are back!!!

END

Last week saw new Argentine National Team Coach Diego Maradona visit Melwood (and some 2 bit establishment down the road) to check in on Javier Mascherano. I thought I'd use this opportunity to show a clip of Maradona because there's not much we like more than watching a fat bloke taking the piss out of defenders!

I used to hate Maradona, it obviously stemmed from the infamous "Hand of God" goal against England in the 1986 World Cup. That was around the time I remember first watching football, it was after the '86 Cup Final where Liverpool sealed the double, and as much as the football in that World Cup I remember the sticker book I had where the smaller teams, such as Morocco, had to make do with 2 players per sticker and also that there seemed to be a giant spider above the pitch at the Aztec Stadium!!!

Maradona was just a cheat, he knocked us out off the World Cup by cheating and that's it, sod that 2nd goal, it was all about his handball. He also played for Argentina, what's to like about Argentina? It was all about Brazil for me as a youngster, I used to watch video after video of the old Brazilian teams, Pele was God and the list of amazing players is too long for this 350 word post. Why like Argentina when you've got Brazil? Argentina were just a bunch of island invading cheats, Brazil's rivals and England's enemies and Maradona WAS Argentina when it came to football.

And then you grow up. You like your legends to have a bit of an edge, a nasty streak, the "troubled genius" syndrome or the fact that they're just plain old bonkers!!! Sadly Maradona become a caricature of himself due to a large appetite for food and also South America's other famous export. The clip show's him at his skilful best but also kicking people in the nuts, rolling around in mud, yelling into the camera, doing kick-ups with water bottles and generally being a mad bastard!

Robbie Keane and Albert Riera are becoming quite the double act this season. It's not because Spanish winger is setting up goal after goal for the Irishman. It's not that they have a 2 man comedy show completely sold out for the Christmas Season at The Empire. Nope, it's because game after game when scoreboard shows there's about 25 minutes remaining everyone knows that they'll be trudging off to the sidelines, a quick applause for the fans chanting their name, before watching the rest of the game from the dug out.

This "Statutory Substitution Scheme" of Benitez's has annoyed me for some time and it did so again on Saturday. Against Atletico, he withdraws Keane for David Ngog when we're a goal behind. On Saturday, against a West Brom defence looking stretched and tired he decided to again haul Keane off, therefore denying him an opportunity to get a hat-trick in front of the Kop. Now, I know there is little room for sentiment in football but this may have been that little room.

Are substitutions not used to add surprise to proceedings, to shake things up a bit? If the oppo know before the game that on the hour mark Keane & Riera are going to be coming off then they can plan on how to deal with likely players taking their place.

Rafa's reasoning is that he wants to add some pace with about 20 minutes remaining when defences are tiring and that makes sense; but why isn't it the slowest player on the pitch, Dirk Kuyt, who makes way? I'm not back on my "Have a Dig at Dirk" days of a few months ago but when Babel is introduced it's never on the right hand side for Dirk but usually on the left for Riera. On Saturday surely it was a perfect opportunity for Torres & Keane to have 20 minutes playing together against a tiring defence? All I can think is that "The Trying Dutchman" loves leaving the pitch last whilst applauding the fans so much that he has a clause written into his contract!

My review for this match suggested The Baggies would be coming to Anfield to look for the nil-nil, our Stoke Ed Northy commented that that this wouldn't be the case; to paraphrase "Albion will probably have more of a go attacking wise and will leave with a big minus in their goals tally". Spot on Mr Northwood, do you fancy ghostwriting my previews from now on? Perhaps they didn't do much more attacking wise but they certainly made the match more open. For the first 25 minutes we were appaling, we had no drive or passion and were stuck in neutral trying to get into 1st gear! However, on the half hour mark we increased the pace of the passing and Albion couldn't deal with it.

Robbie Keane's first goal for the club open the scoring after he lacthed onto Gerrard's through ball and lofted it over Carson. His, and Anifeld's, prayers were answered; only 11 games late God but I can see you've got a lot on your plate at the minute. Then moments before half time something inexplicable happened; no not Keane getting 2 in a game but us having a counter attack from a corner. Ordinarily Rafa ensures that all the players are back defending corners, Torres will be situated by the near post. Today Keane stayed on the halfway line and it paid off handsomely when he evading Carson's charge out of the box and finished cooly.

The second half petered out into a bit of a nothingness, although they had made the game more open by not deploying 10 men on the edge of the box they didn't cause our defence much concern and it should have been a case of us creating goalscoring opportunites whenever we liked. Unfortunately we became sloppy & complacent and it was only late on that Arbeloa curled a wonderful third goal into the top corner.

Keane's 1st league goals, Arbeloa's 1st goal at Anfield, the 1st time we've won by 3 goals this season. Back to 1st in the table... for a bit!

Well, I could just copy the post I wrote for the Stoke game earlier in the season here to be honest. You'd have to ignore the bits about Rory Delap's long throw but seeing as every website and newspaper has mentioned "The Human Sling" this week I suppose it would fit in anyway. I do expect West Brom to adopt the same approach as Stoke, Pompey and even Atletico on Tuesday; 10 if not 11 men behind the ball, camped on the edge of their own area so we have no space behind the back. Fair enough, it's not rocket science and teams have been doing this at Anfield for years but year after year we struggle in these games. 0-0 against Stoke, 1-0 courtesy of a pen against Pompey and 1-1 courtesy of "that" spot kick against Atletico. We need to be more creative, especially in the wide areas, to ensure that our 2 game slump is ended.

To ensure this I hope that Rafa goes on the attack tomorrow tea-time. With any luck Torres will be fit to start and I'd play Keane just off him, in the role that I presume he was bought for. Keane has laboured a little as the lone front man and hopefully he'll be given a chance to show what he can do with a partner up top. This would leave Gerrard, Alonso & Masch vying for 2 positions and to keep Alonso's creativity i'd have Javier dropping to the bench. I'd give Kuyt a rest as well as despite his good goal scoring form he was rather wasteful in wide areas on Tuesday and we'll need more than aimless crosses into the keepers arms on Saturday. No matter what we throw at him I'm sure Scott Carson will have the best game of his short career whilst giving Rafa evil looks like an ex-girlfriend showing him what he's missing out on.

(VOICEOVER) "The red half of Liverpool is in chaos. Numerous burglaries have left the Liverpool players fearing for their possessions, their signed shirts, their jewelery. They take to the field knowing their houses may get burgled senseless. The police are useless, they still haven't banged up Arsenal for robbing us back in 1989, 19 years and no conviction against Graham, Smith & Thomas, although Thomas did do community service in Liverpool's midfield. This is no time for police, its beyond that. We need to hark back to age where crime fighters came in pairs, they came in flares, and had facial hair...s. It's time for Souness & McDermott - The Perma Kops".

Cue 70's Cop Show Music and scenes of Souness & McDermott scoring goals and chasing scallies down Anfield Road.

Graeme "Souey" Souness & Terry Mac are at Anfield for a meeting with the club's owners.

GS: Och, what do these Yanks want Mac? I'm working hard to perfect my nonchalont but authoritative television style.

TM: Aye man, I'm trying to talk KK into going back to Newcastle, I'd been there so long I've no idea what to do now.

A tubby American bursts open an office door.

Tom Hicks: You guys the "Perma Kops"? Get you asses in here.

GS: (Quietly) he talks to me like that again and I'll jib him.

TH: Look guys the namby pamby police force won't do a damn thing about all these robberies and we can't stand for it anymore. Some douche-bag is running round robbing our players houses, scaring the bejesus out of their families. I mean they're stealing from great heroes... and Lucas Leiva. It's gotta stop.

Another man swivels round in a chair stroking a cat

George Gillet: And you boys are the the ones who are gonna stop it. Will you make Liverpool FC proud again?

Souey & Terry Mac look at each other and then at the Americans

Together: We'll do it

They bound out of the office, their flares billowing as they go.

TH: Jesus H Christ George, there's Soul-Glow all over the chairs!

End

Another day, another reason to hate Alex Ferguson. After his refusal to speak to the BBC following allegations about his son's transfer dealings (still no libel suit Fergie?) Sir Whinge-a-lot is giving Sky Sports the silent treatment. The reason for this? Scurrilous remarks about Ferguson's kin? Spreading rumours that he smears his nose with jam so that wasps come and sting it to get that red glow? No, not that interesting I'm afraid. Firstly, Phil Thompson decreed that Wayne Rooney deserved a straight red for kissing his clubs badge during the match against Everton. "Once a Blue, Always a Blue" Rooney didn't deserve a red card, maybe some emergency surgery to stop the burning caused by it's acidic taste though. Secondly, Paul Merson must have been back on the "Russell Dust" to even think about saying that a Rooney tackle should have resulted in a sending off. How dare he propose an opinion, how dare he do the job he's paid for? What in shitting crikey is going on?

Ferguson thinks he's bigger than football, no one is allowed to stress an opinion about him or his players no matter how rational or well balanced the argument. He can talk about other club's players, he can complain that red cards weren't shown against his opponents but don't you even think it about United. He can talk about players he wants to sign, tapping them up, e.g. Berbatov, Horse-Face, Stam, Benzema, Hargreaves, but Madrid can't court Ronaldo in the same way, they're bang out of order!

Ferguson will never be respected as much as Shankly, Paisley, Busby or Stein; his ego is too big. He thinks he IS Manchester United. Shankly knew that the FANS owned Liverpool FC, NOT him. Ferguson is a hypocritical, walking ego. Did Bob Paisley ever go up to collect the European Cup? Did he balls, Ferguson was up there in 1999, making sure he was centre stage and getting the ego boost he craves.

Well you keep shunning the interviews Ferguson, if I never hear your poisonous tones again it will still be too soon.