The Football Blog

Q: Given the recent shenanigans going on at Newcastle, Mike Ashley gets in touch to ask for your expert advice on how to calm down thousands of baying, screaming Geordies. What do you tell him?

Jeff: "As a referee and a Smoggie (resident of Teesside) I too upset the Geordie masses from time to time with the odd decision against the Toon army. Never ever did I have the same affect on true football fans as this clown though. He should confess that he actually does know what beer tastes like and that if he makes a single penny profit out of the club he will donate it to a charity on Tyneside. My other advice to him would be to get the hell out of football and never come back!!!!."

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.

Q: FIFA select you to be part of a think tank on the future of women’s football and you’re asked to bring three innovative proposals to the first meeting. What do you suggest?

Jeff: "I think the shorts should be shorter and the shirts tighter. I can assure you this has nothing to do with making the girls look sexier and attracting more male fans. It's actually part of an experiment to see whether this type of kit is less likely to be grabbed and pulled as we see in the men's game. It may also help if their shirts were made of a material that would actually tear when held, thereby proving as to whether holding was actually taking place."

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.

Q: Given Britain's success in the Olympics this year, the IOC ring you up to seek your advice. They want to have as many athletes as possible in London 2012 and have stumbled upon the idea of getting footballers and referees trained up for four years to compete. Who do you recommend to take part and in what events?

Jeff: "In a new event called "Chase the Ref", Ashley Cole, John Terry, Wayne Rooney would surely be gold medal prospects. Ronaldo and Droghba for the synchronized diving. Crouch for the javelin, not taking part, just being a javelin. Paul Jewell for the high jump, probably a long time before 2012 though. Stoke City for down hill skiing. Oops sorry that's the winter Olympics. And Graham Poll for the archery, not taking part, just standing in front of the target..."

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.