The Football Blog

David James and the word reliant in the same sentence? Surely not...

Back when we used to play football (not that long ago, honest), the worst player in training would be thrown into the biggest, muddiest puddle we could find. No such larking around for the chaps at Portsmouth though, who, as David James here perfectly demonstrates, force the biggest loser of the day to ride home in a Robin Reliant. Brilliantly, according to the Mirror it plays animal noises from a loudspeaker when the engine is turned on.

Needless to say we think it's brilliant. Though we've a funny feeling this instance won't have been the first time Mrs James has seen her hubby park the Reliant on the drive...

Q: Given the recent shenanigans going on at Newcastle, Mike Ashley gets in touch to ask for your expert advice on how to calm down thousands of baying, screaming Geordies. What do you tell him?

Jeff: "As a referee and a Smoggie (resident of Teesside) I too upset the Geordie masses from time to time with the odd decision against the Toon army. Never ever did I have the same affect on true football fans as this clown though. He should confess that he actually does know what beer tastes like and that if he makes a single penny profit out of the club he will donate it to a charity on Tyneside. My other advice to him would be to get the hell out of football and never come back!!!!."

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.

Q: FIFA select you to be part of a think tank on the future of women’s football and you’re asked to bring three innovative proposals to the first meeting. What do you suggest?

Jeff: "I think the shorts should be shorter and the shirts tighter. I can assure you this has nothing to do with making the girls look sexier and attracting more male fans. It's actually part of an experiment to see whether this type of kit is less likely to be grabbed and pulled as we see in the men's game. It may also help if their shirts were made of a material that would actually tear when held, thereby proving as to whether holding was actually taking place."

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.