The Football Blog

Q: Given Britain's success in the Olympics this year, the IOC ring you up to seek your advice. They want to have as many athletes as possible in London 2012 and have stumbled upon the idea of getting footballers and referees trained up for four years to compete. Who do you recommend to take part and in what events?

Jeff: "In a new event called "Chase the Ref", Ashley Cole, John Terry, Wayne Rooney would surely be gold medal prospects. Ronaldo and Droghba for the synchronized diving. Crouch for the javelin, not taking part, just being a javelin. Paul Jewell for the high jump, probably a long time before 2012 though. Stoke City for down hill skiing. Oops sorry that's the winter Olympics. And Graham Poll for the archery, not taking part, just standing in front of the target..."

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.

Q: The Premier League is back this weekend, and there's only one question on everybody's lips here in the office. What would you rather have; an invisibility cloak or a cape that allows you to fly?

Jeff: "Now this is a real dilemma. On the pitch I think I would go for the cloak, whilst obviously the cape would help with speed to keep up with play, I think more fun could be had with the ability to be invisible and exact revenge on some gobby, moaning footballer in the mouth after he had abused a decision."

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.

Q: Given the FA's shockingly poor respect advert featuring a load of c-list non-entities (see it here if you haven't already), you've been asked to star in and direct a completely new and better one. Who do you ask to appear in it, what will you ask them to do and how will it make people respect refs?

Jeff: "Well we could try a different approach to the FA, the softly softly approach just might not get the message across, so how about me in Dirty Harry mode, when faced by a player who starts to abuse me, spitting out my cigar butt and shouting “ make my day, punk” before opening up on him and firing a volley of red cards from my pistol. Other “Refs”  to support the campaign could be other no tolerance film stars such as Rocky. Using the ultimate threat and put the fear of god into the moaning whining little sh*ts." 

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.

Q: Keith Hackett is worried that, having not come up with any wacky new rules this summer, the start of the season may go smoothly, and can’t bare the thought of a lack of referee-inspired controversy. In the style of Ainsley Harriott from Ready Steady Cook, he asks you to come up with a new rule that involves a red card, a roly-poly throw-in, some peppers and sandpaper. Your task is to use all of these items and invent a new rule that all referees must enforce for the new season…

Jeff: "The last thing anyone would want is for things to go smoothly without any controversies. To make throw-ins more interesting, players must do a roly-poly summersault before projecting the ball into play. Any player guilty of not performing this act would have his privates rubbed with sandpaper. Players can appeal, in front of a live studio audience, and their suspension would be determined by the audience voting with red peppers and yellow peppers. Keith Hackett always goes on about refs being transparent, so the match referee would also be present naked in a see-through apron. Should it be found that the ref had used excessive force with the sandpaper, he should be dropped from the following weekend's games."

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.

Q: You’re appearing on a special referees edition of The Weakest Link, and you’ve made it to the last round, along with your old pal Graham Poll. You see him wink at Anne and you suspect that he’s getting the easier questions. She’s also mocking you constantly but just smiling of Poll. What do you do to make sure you still come away with the prize money?

Jeff: "First of all I will suggest that I go first and Poll comes second in the final round. I would accidentally slip open my fly and let Anne see my goods and then with
her all weak at the knees her questioning would favour me and I would win. Anne by now has lost the plot and shows Poll three yellow cards then a red and mentions those eternal words, " Graham, you are the weakest link, GOODBYE!"

See You Are The Jeff every week in Catflap Magazine.