Joleon Lescott is the most confusing player in the Premiership. His first goal today was classic Lescott with Osman flicking the ball on and Jolly lurking round the 6 yard box to prod it home, so far, so very Joleon. If his first goal was classic Lescott though, his second was more like classic David Platt, after another flick on this time from Jags, he swivelled on the edge of the 6 yard box and struck a sweet volley with his back to goal - beating Friedel and seemingly rescuing a draw in injury time from a game which we could have easily won with our performance.

But this is where the confusion sets in.

After an impeccable performance and with literally seconds left on the clock, the ball was prodded through to Ashley Young from Agbonlahor and Young goes past Jolly as if he's not there and slots the ball home, breaking the hearts of toffees fans everywhere. This has been typical of him this season, a strange and quirky mixture of attacking flair and inept defending which has caused in me both serene rapture and howling rage all year.

Despite the result however, this was one of our better performances this season. We dominated the midfield for the most part, with Fellaini in particular looking dangerous despite his outward appearance of a lanky afro'd clown, and to come so close to beating what is now an excellent Aston Villa side with the injury problems we're having is nothing to be sniffed at. It was just a shame that we capitulated so poorly after playing so well.

Last night Everton's CEO Robert Elstone underwent a cross-examination regarding the proposed move to the new stadium in Kirkby, on behalf of the Liverpool City Council. The cross-examination raised a number of interesting points including, where the money for the proposed development would come from, naming rights for the new stadium, the benefits (or otherwise) to the surrounding area of Kirkby, and the impacts on Everton Football Club as a whole. While I simply can't be arsed going through everything that was discussed, a transcript of the whole thing can be found on the official website:

http://www.evertonfc.com/news/archive/ceo-faces-cross-examination.html?page=full

Understandably the proposal for the new stadium has been one of the most controversial and hotly-contested topics surrounding our club in all the time I have supported them, but by the same token never has a single decision been more important to the future development of Everton as a business both on and off the pitch. While I'm sure the vast majority of Toffee's would love to see us stay at Goodison, it's been clear for the past few seasons, and particularly during last summer's transfer period, that at the moment the club simply isn't financially able to maintain the position we have found ourselves in for the past few seasons. That we have done so well with our limited means has been down to the dilligent efforts of Moyesie, and signing him up for another 5 years was the best thing Bill Kenwright could have done as Chairman.

So what do I think (in case anyone cares)? Well, as much as I would love to see us stay at Goodison, and as much sentiment as I have for the place, if it comes down to the choice of staying there and stagnating or moving to Kirkby and hopefully gaining further investment to compete at the top level, then I don't really see it as being a choice at all. Alot of Everton fans have been calling for Kenwright's head over this matter, saying that he should just plow money into redeveloping Goodison. My issue with this is that there is simply no way of expanding Goodison without a) Massive disruption to the local community due to where it is situated and b) Masively reducing its capacity while it's being redevloped.

(continued below)

The other issue is more of a sentimental one, with Kirkby being situated outside the Livepool City boundaries. With regards to this, I would point to two examples. One is Manchester United, whose stadium is actually situated in Salford but is still nevertheless within the boundaries of Greater Manchester. The only people who ever bring this up however are Man City fans and I'm sure United fans could give a flying fuck about what they think. The other example would be Arsenal, a club referenced by Mr. Elstone in the discussion, who since moving to the Emirates have become one of the most financially stable clubs in the league with minimal amounts of debt. Not only that, but they are getting (it's estimated) around £90 million over 15 years for the naming rights to the Emirates, and far more than that from the flats they are building at their former ground of Highbury.

This relates to Everton thus; while the Kirkby ground is technically situated outside of Liverpool, it's still within the boundaries of Merseyside. As an out of town supporter myself (I live in Warrington if you must know), this is probably less of an issue for me than it is for most of the local supporters, but nevertheless I'm sure we all have the same goal of wanting to see the club move forward and if this is what it takes, then I can put up with the jibes of a few Gobshite Koppites. In terms of the Arsenal stadium, we are pursuing, it seems, a similar funding strategy with us selling naming rights to the stadium and redeveloping the site of Goodison for further income, which seems a pretty level-headed and financially viable way of going about things. Just please don't let them call it the Tesco stadium Mr. Elstone, I think that would be too much to bear.

Whether you agree with me or not, I think one thing we can all agree on is that Mr Kenwright and Mr Elstone have been very open and honest about what they are doing and why they are doing it (just take a look at the transcript from the EGM on evertonfc.com from a few months ago, it doesn't make for pretty reading). At least they have the clubs best interests at heart, which is more than I can say for some other chairmen, eh Liverpool?

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

For the first of my memorable matches, I was considering starting at the top with the 1995 FA Cup Final that followed this game, where we beat Man United 1-0. However, that is pretty much the only piece of silverware we have won since I started supporting them (I was a bit too young for our 80's heyday), and so I plumped for this epic FA Cup semi-final game instead so as not to blow my load too early. This was the game which galvanised my love for the toffees and made me stand up and say 'Yes, I am proud to be an Everton supporter!'

As I recall it was the summer of 1995, and all was not well at the club. Under the tutelage of Joe Royle we were severely struggling in the league and the threat of relegation looked like a very real prospect. So much so in fact that Big Joe, by his own admission, had hardly given the Cup its proper attention until we found ourselves faced with the prospect of playing Spurs at Elland Road in the Semis. This was the Spurs which featured arguably the greatest strike partnership the Premiership has ever seen in Sheringham and Klinnsmann, and as such our chances were not fancied.

However, once the game began it became clear that Tottenahm really were not up for it, whereas we were performing like a team, playing for each other and really going all out to win the game. The first goal came on the 35th minute from Matt Jackson, a player I have literally no recollection of, then a second from Graham Stuart. Klinnsmann then pulled one back for Spurs, as they started to get a foothold in the game.

But then something strange happened...

After an apparent mix-up on the bench Joe Royle sent on Daniel Amokachi by accident, and the Nigerian went on to score two more goals, making the game 4-1, and effectively sealing our place in the final. I saw a quote from Royle regarding this bizarre mix-up -  something along the lines of it being the best accident he ever made, but I can't find it on the internet anywhere. I'm pretty sure I didn't make it up. In any case, we had beaten an excellent Spurs team with no small amount of aplomb, and we were on our way to the final.

But that is a story for another day...

Anyway, here are the highlights of the Semi, but the only version I could find has 'Altogether Now,' by The Farm playing over it, only with some bastardised Everton references crowbarred into it. Enjoy nonetheless!

For my first (and well overdue) chant in a million, I've decided to start with the basics. Anyone who has had the pleasure of watching a game at Goodison will no doubt have heard this echoing around its four rickety stands:

It's a grand old team to play for,
It's a grand old team to support,
And if, you know, your history,
It's enough to make your heart go wooooooaaaahhh,
We don't care what the red shite say,
What the fuck do we care?
Because we always know,
That there's gonna be show,
When the Everton boys are there!
E-ver-ton!!! E-ver-ton!!! E-ver-ton!!!

What I love most about it is how it starts out all nice, with a gentle nod to our illustrious history before ripping into the Gobshites (or any team thats facing us in red for that matter), in a vulgar diatribe. The two essential ingredients of any good football chant I'm sure you'll agree.

There's been a bit of a furore this week regarding footballers promoting their beliefs by removing their shirts only to reveal an amusing and/or socially aware message on their undergarments. First of all we had lil' Stevie P removing his top after scoring against Spurs on Sunday, to reveal a message reading 'God is Great.'

Nothing wrong with that you might imagine, but in the eyes of the FA this is seen as some kind of heretical propoganda and our boy in Blue was subsequently yellow-carded. Which is a bit absurd when you think about it, because while I don't ally myself to any particular religious school-of-thought I don't take any offence at someone else promoting theirs, particularly when they've just scored a winner at White Hart Lane. Maybe it was God that caused Peanuts' shot to careen wildly off Corluka's leg under the typically flailing body of Gomes. But then again, maybe it wasn't. Who cares?

This sort of behaviour has come under even more scrutiny since then with the Liverpool team wearing 'Free Michael Now,' t-shirts while warming up before the West Ham game on Monday. At first I thought this was a plea to Joe Kinnear and Mike Ashley to free Michael Owen from his Newcastle-based purgatory, but apparently not. And while I usually have little good to say about the Koppites, I think it was pretty ballsy of them to flex some socially-aware muscles and try and promote a cause which they believe in, be it right or not. But again our beloved FA have investigated the matter, and while no sanctions have been handed down, the mere fact they're sticking their nose in just rubs me the wrong way.

If it'd been some kind of riot-inciting political diatribe, then fair enough, but isn't it the job of a 'local,' team (I had to put that in inverted commas) to represent the beliefs and feelings of their supporters and local area? I'm just getting the impression that the FA are trying to neuter our beloved game on behalf of all 'upstanding citizens,' (Daily Mail readers) who physically vomit at the merest hint of a naked torso or naughty swear-word...

I have written about these ocular monstrosities before, but I feel the need to clarify my position on the matter. I will do so by saying just this: professional footballers should not be made to look like any of the following - police officers, stadium groundstaff, lollipop ladies (or gentlemen for the politically correct among you), fire wardens, or Wigan players.

I simply cannot see the logic behind making players wear kits such as these, or for that matter why they are becoming so popular with Premier League clubs. Oh how I laughed last season when Chelsea paraded their players around in these abysmal excuses for professional footballer apparel, only to have to eat my own words this season as our mighty club decided to follow suit. The only logical explanation I can come up with for them is for snow games where visibility is admittedly reduced, but we get maybe two or three of those a year between all the top flight clubs, and even then its not like the players instantly disappear under a veil of white and just start booting the ball into touch.

Maybe there's some weird secret affliction affecting our footballers, causing them to slowly lose their vision like Paul Scholes did that time a couple of seasons ago. In which case I'll let them off, as wearing a high-visibility (as I believe they are known in the trade) strip, is far preferable to the frankly rubbish excuse that Sir Alex wheeled out that time when United got beat 6-3 by Southampton a few years ago i.e. our players couldn't see each other because of our awful, awful kit. Or perhaps its some large-scale road safety initiative on behalf of the FA, maybe alot of our footballers are getting run over or knocked off their bikes on the way home from training. Because, y'know, alot of Premier League footballers are known for their love of bicycles.



Look at the sheer enthusiasm Timmy and Mikky display for their lovely new kit. They look like a pair of hostages forced to promote it at gunpoint:

"We are being treated well and are being fed and watered, but our captors insist that you buy our new 3rd strip or face the dire consequences."

Nevertheless, no matter how much I detest these kits they are infinitely preferable to the current Liverpool away strip, y'know the grey checkerboard one? Yeah, you know the one. That thing is truly abhorrent...

God hates Everton strikers. This is irrefutable fact. Not only are The Yak and James Vaughan crocked for the rest of the season (if not permanently in Vaughan's case), but its also transpired that Saha has pulled his hamstring during today's game against Spurs and is gonna be out for at least a few weeks. This leaves us second only to Woolworths employees in terms of sheer bad luck and getting royally screwed over just before Christmas. However thats just the way things are, and there's nowt we can do about it so I will try my best not to bang on about it.

I doubt, however, that I would be quite so philosophical about the whole affair had we lost today. While watching the Manchester derby in the pub earlier this afternoon, I was saying to my good friend and fellow toffee Robbie that I would gladly take a draw at White Hart Lane after our abysmal performance against Wigan on Monday. What I didn't count on though was the reappearance of lil' Stevie P, who was effervescent in todays game, and easily our man of the match. He worked hard, covering most of the pitch and brought some much-needed quality to our midfield, something we have sorely lacked since Arteta forgot all the qualities that make him the player he is (was?). Today was also the first post-match interview I've seen featuring young Pienaar, and I was suprised and a little shocked at the bass-laden timbre of his voice. The man has a throat like a subwoofer.

Jags, again, was imperious in defence and has easily been our player of the season so far for me. He reminds me a bit of John Terry, always getting the first touch on dangerous balls into the box and organising our sometimes hapless defence via the gift of shouting loudly. Give this guy the captain's armband, as it is simply going to waste on Neville. Our general play was pretty good all round in fact, with Fellaini looking dangerous and Cahill returning to the form we all know he is capable of.

If there is an upside to our strikers dropping like flies, its that it means we pretty much have no choice but to return to the old 4-5-1 system we've been so fond of the past few seasons, providing we can keep our big midfielders fit. Its now time for Victor Anichebe, Lukas Jutkiewicz and Jose Baxter to step up and start wearing the daddy pants, and they are big pants full of a mess left behind by Yakubu.

All in all, an excellent result for us today but at what cost?

Oh dear. It is like some kind of sick cosmic joke when Louis Saha is your fittest available striker. I haven't seen today's game yet (praise be to whoever thought up the concept of Match Of The Day 2), but I am reliably informed that we played well and the win was deserved on balance. But putting a massive downer on an otherwise excellent result was the news that The Yak has ruptured his achilles tendon and will be sitting out the rest of the season.

While I haven't been the man's biggest advocate this season (the lazy so-and-so), this is a huge blow for us with James Vaughan probably out for a similar period with a knee op, leaving the accident-waiting-to-happen that is Louis Saha as our main striker for the rest of the season. While its clear the Yak has been underperforming thus far, I feel we are going to desperately miss his ability to create a goal from nowhere when we aren't playing well.

Time for Anichebe and this 'Lukas Jutkiewicz,' character to step up...

Of the 1260 minutes of league football that Everton have played this year I have actually enjoyed, at most, 45 minutes of it. That is a terrible return for my investment -  to the extent that I'm starting to question my ability to support them in a logical and conventional manner. At half time during tonight's game, I actually thought to myself that I would turn the lights off in the unoccupied rooms of my house, as that tiny piece of environmental karma might just tip the balance in favour of the toffee's. This wasn't just folly either, I genuinely believed that this might have an effect.

This is what it has come to ladies and gentlemen. It's almost too much to hope at this point that Mickey might actually clear the first defender with a set-piece, that Roger might actually mark the opposing teams' right winger in a conventional manner instead of aimlessley wandering up and down the left flank, or that Phil Neville will simply stop being Phil Neville. The aformentioned 45 minutes that I enjoyed this season came during the second half of the United game a couple of months ago when it actually looked like we were trying to play attacking football, display some tenacity, and y'know score goals or something equally outrageous. Contrast that with tonight's dismal performance and the difference isn't so much day and night as it is sonar and lunar eclipse. Our main tactic against the pie-eaters seemed to be play it into feet in midfield, hold it up, get tackled and then get Yobo/Jags/Nev/Rog (delete as applicable) to just hoof it upfield, in the vain hope that Yakubu might actually make a run. With the exception of Jags and Howard, not a single Everton player can hold their head up and say they had a good game.

So fuck it, I don't care any more, I will do whatever it takes to see us perform better this season regardless of how menial and/or utterly unconnected it is. It'll be like that scene in Jurassic Park where Jeff Goldblum is explaining Chaos Theory to that bint out of Blue Velvet. Maybe if I adjust the tire pressure on my car to improve its economy, this will cause Tim Cahill to regain his ability to head the ball, if I perhaps stopped thinking bad thoughts about people I dislike, Steven Pienaar will remain fit for the rest of the season. If I stop kicking my cats in the face when they miaow for food, we'll beat Liverpool at Anfield this season. For that, I would (however reluctantly) stop kicking my cats in the face.

Reading back what I've written, I realise that I've not actually described or analysed anything of any great substance regarding tonight's performance for this match report. Hang on, maybe that's it! Its only since I've started writing this column that we've started underperforming now I think of it. Hmmm, tell you what, if we win our next game against Spurs, be prepared for many more ramblings from the edge...

If that's what it takes.

To be honest, I've been putting off writing match reports for the last two games against Bolton and Fulham. Not only have I been as busy as Harry Redknapp, but the two matches were so unutterably dull for about the first 85 minutes that my brain freezes up in recoiled horror every time I've tried to put them into words. However, like some kind of undramatic 4-5-1 phoenix from the flames, the boys managed to look like the Everton of last season, gritty and determined in midfield, solid defensively, and grinding out simple but effective 1-0 wins against lesser opponents. No disrepect to Bolton or Fulham fans, but you are. You just are.

 

Again Fellaini was magisterial, if that is even a word, and nodded in his goal against Bolton with a sort of lanky grace usually reserved for Peter Crouch and swans. He's dominating the midfield aerial battles and is combining well with Osman in the middle, even if it does leave us a bit slack defensively, and with Cahill back and Rodwell coming through the ranks we suddenly appear to have a wealth of options in the middle seemingly from nowhere. Saha finally managed to get on the scoresheet, we're now 7th in the league behind the mighty Hull, we got our first home win (for fucks sake) and we've picked up 7 points from the last 3 games... in other words, things are looking up.

 

Oh and to sweeten the deal further, Liverpool got beaten by Tottenham with ol' spade-face Carragher scoring an exquisite own goal. Later I used this to wind up our erstwhile Liverpool editor Yates until he got so drunk and surly that he ordered expensive cocktails from the bar and demanded for them to be 'put on the tab.' Shit got undignified. 

 

Greetings my fellow toffees, first of all my apologies for the lack of updates of late, but between my internet/pc being on the blink and spending some time in our fair capital I've been a bit short of time to report all that is good, bad and indifferent about our fair club.

After missing the first 20 minutes of the game whilst trying to find a pub in London (the natural home of the Man U supporter) which was actually showing the match, the outlook was not good. We were one-nil down to Darren Fletcher's nicely taken goal, and United were starting to turn the screws as they so often tend to do. However, after a few excellent saves from Howard, some hard tackling from P Nev, and some shameful histrionics from Ronaldo, it looked like we were getting a foothold in the game and managing to disrupt United's usual attacking grace. Beforehand I was dreading this game, not so much in that we might lose as I expected, but more the manner of our loss - all season we've looked short of confidence and even when a goal or two ahead we've looked shaky defensively. But the performance from the boys in the second half was as good as I've seen all season - with Fellaini managing to win the aerial battle in midfield (and seemingly getting more used to the pace of the Prem), and Jags and Yobo managing to contain the attacking threat from Rooney and Ronaldo.

When big Maz managed to glance the ball home from Arteta's sweeping corner kick, things were starting to look up, and literally seconds later Yakubu should have made it two-one after a rather uncharacteristic fuck up from the trembly-lipped wonder that is Rio Ferdinand. After another twenty minutes or so of excellent football from ourselves, the game was over, we had gained a vital point, and Ferguson was cracking out the old "the referee didn't give us enough protection," chestnut. Not only that, but the Gwladys Street End managed to wind Rooney up to the extent that he kissed his Man U badge, then stared darkly at anyone within spitting distance if they so much as looked at him funny, causing ol' Red Face to sub him before he bit clean through someone's leg in pure bovine anger. All in all, a good day.

Could be an interesting one this. On the one hand, in the games we've played so far this season we've looked lacklustre at the back, and that's putting it kindly. Tim Howard seems to be having a crisis of confidence which causes him to flail wildly at any cross or shot like a visually impared jack-rabbit, and Joleon Lescott has taken to absent mindedly wandering up and down the left flank, seemingly only vaguely aware that a football match is happening, much less that he is participating in it.

With Arsenal at home you would be forgiven for expecting a resounding thrashing, but I just have a funny feeling about this game. They are missing the wacky William Gallas and oddly-haired man mountain Bacary Sagna, and if there's one area where Arsenal lacks strength in depth it's at the back. If we play a 4-4-2, as I suspect we will with Cahill suspended, then it would give us a chance at giving Vaughny or Saha a run-out with the Yak to really have a go at them, like Hull managed so successfully in their win at the Emirates a couple of weeks ago. Having said that, we're nursing a few injuries ourselves with Castillo, Neville, Osman and possibly Yobo and Jags missing, but then again Moyes finally signed on the dotted line this week which could give the boys a timely boost of confidence.

Yes I'm sitting on the fence, and no I don't care. Oh, go on then... 2-1 to the toffees, with Arteta and James Vaughan the goalscorers. We have to remain optimistic don't we?

Second only perhaps to West Ham's physio, Jeff Stelling has possibly the hardest job in all of football and it is to his credit that he makes it look so easy. Like the metaphorical duck looking calm on the surface but paddling like fuck to stay afloat, he manages to not only coordinate all the results coming in on a Saturday afternoon, but does it with a calm assurance which is sometimes utterly bewildering to behold. Added to which, he has to cope with Phil Thompson and Paul Merson screaming out like a bunch of pre-schoolers at a cake convention every time there's a half chance in some goalless 'thriller,' between Southampton and Doncaster, or some such nonsense.

The man is a national treasure, like the Stephen Fry of football punditry, and has not only inspired in me a passing affection for Hartlepool, but has also inspired others to invent a drinking game in his name. If you haven't played it yet, here's a link to the rules (http://www.robwoolford.com/journal/2007/03/01/the-jeff-stelling-drinking-game/)  and if you have then you'll understand it only inspires more love for the man, like some kind of self-perpetuating drunken football man orgy. Jeff, you are a credit to your profession, and it does not go unappreciated by the legions of football fans robbed of their Saturday afternoon fix, courtesy of Sky and Setanta. Bravo sir!

Well, its finally sorted. After what seems like (and actually has been) months of speculation, Moysie has finally signed a new contract, keeping him at Everton until 2013. Having read around some of the Everton forums of late, there hasn't been quite the unanimous outpouring of joy at Moyes staying on as manager that I was expecting, with some toffees saying that he's taken us as far as he can with the means at his disposal. To these people, I say this: Shut your ungrateful whining traps.

Admittedly, we've had a poor start to the season but I for one am proud that we have shown loyalty to the man who has almost literally singlehandedly dragged us from the mires of the relegation battle to the heady heights of (getting knocked out of) Europe, especially when managers are hired and fired at the drop of a hat in the current climate. I can think of no other manager since perhaps Brian Clough who has managed to do more with less, and his eye for spotting and nurturing talent on the cheap (Cahill, Arteta, Lescott, Jags, Peanuts etc.) is pretty much unrivalled. Just think of what he can do if we get some rich Arabs/Indians/Nigerians behind him...

Onwards and upwards my friends.