Everton FC

Hello there, my name is John and I shall be guiding you through the murky waters of rumour and conjecture surrounding our beloved club of late. Lets face it, it's been a pretty shocking start to the season by anyone's standards (except maybe Derby) with our only points coming from the three promoted teams and <shudder> Newcastle, and still no win at Goodison. Not to mention an early exit from both the Carling and UEFA cups. And as if all that wasn't bad enough, we've only gone out and got one of those godawful luminous yellow 3rd strips, which confuse and confound me in equal measure. I can only assume a disproportionate number of Blues fans are being knocked off their bikes whilst cycling at night, necessetating this sweeping social gesture.

Added to all this, we have Davey Moyes acting like some French floozy, constantly wafting his eyelashes and whispering sweet nothings to us regarding his new (£17 mil, 5 year) contract, then stealing away in the dead of night before 'sealing the deal,' so to speak. Last I heard, this was all supposed to have been resolved before the Newcastle game last weekend, but still nothing's happened and trying to get a straight answer out of the club of late is as futile as putting a cat in a microwave.