Everton FC

I just discovered this gem of comedic parody on the BBC 606 messageboards. While I dont know who it's by, it's clear that the chap who wrote this has far too much time on his hands, and an eye for Queen-based satire...

Liverpudlian Rhapsody (to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)

Is this our Stevie?
Captain of LFC?
Arrested in Southport
All caught on CCTV.
Open "The Sun"
It's there on Page One, you'll see.
I'm just a Scouser
I need some help
Because I'm Huyton-born, Huyton-bred
Once a Blue, now a Red.
Whatever the truth is, it doesn't really matter to me.

[Piano: Dumm di dum dum, dumm di dum dum]

Rafa! It's Stevie here.
I've just t*watted a DJ
And they've taken him away.
Rafa, we were four points clear
But now I fear we'll throw it all away!
Rafa! Ooooooooooh.
Didn't mean to make you sigh
If I'm not back in time to play at Preston Tinker on, tinker on, my career is all in tatters....

[Piano: Dum di dum di dum, dum di dum di dum]

Too late! It's Walton Jail.
I don't think that I can cope
I can't bend down for the soap.
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave the Kop behind and face the Bench.
Rafa! Ooooooooooo! (Anyway the sh*it blows) I don't want to go to jail I sometimes wish I'd never joined Liverpoo-ool!

[Piano, guitar and stuff]

I see a little silhouetto of Hamman
There's ,more dosh, there's more dosh if I sign for Man City But joining such a sh*ite team is very very frightening to me

Calling Barry
(It's Rick Parry)
Calling Barry
(It's Rick Parry)
Calling Barry! He's Magnific-o-o-o-o

I'm just a poor boy from a Scouse family He's just a poor boy from a Scouse family Spare him his job says Co-Coach Sammy Lee

Piano: Tinkle, tinkle tinkle

Easy come easy go! Will you let me go?
It's me, La!
No! We will not let you go! Let him go!
It's me, La!
No! We will not let you go! Let him go!
No no no no no no!
Rafa! Sammy! Rafa! Sammy! Rafa! Sammy! Get me out!
A Big House con has a shower set aside for me! For meee!

For meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[Big Guitar Riff]

So you think you can say my career's in decline!
So you think you can suggest my kids are not mine!
Oh DJ! Can't do this to me DJ!
Just gotta get out! Just gotta get right outta here!

[More guitar and then the slow bit]

My career is now in tatters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters! Nothing really matters to me!

Anyway the sh*it blows!

[Cymbal: pish]

For my first (and well overdue) chant in a million, I've decided to start with the basics. Anyone who has had the pleasure of watching a game at Goodison will no doubt have heard this echoing around its four rickety stands:

It's a grand old team to play for,
It's a grand old team to support,
And if, you know, your history,
It's enough to make your heart go wooooooaaaahhh,
We don't care what the red shite say,
What the fuck do we care?
Because we always know,
That there's gonna be show,
When the Everton boys are there!
E-ver-ton!!! E-ver-ton!!! E-ver-ton!!!

What I love most about it is how it starts out all nice, with a gentle nod to our illustrious history before ripping into the Gobshites (or any team thats facing us in red for that matter), in a vulgar diatribe. The two essential ingredients of any good football chant I'm sure you'll agree.