Everton FC

To be honest, I've been putting off writing match reports for the last two games against Bolton and Fulham. Not only have I been as busy as Harry Redknapp, but the two matches were so unutterably dull for about the first 85 minutes that my brain freezes up in recoiled horror every time I've tried to put them into words. However, like some kind of undramatic 4-5-1 phoenix from the flames, the boys managed to look like the Everton of last season, gritty and determined in midfield, solid defensively, and grinding out simple but effective 1-0 wins against lesser opponents. No disrepect to Bolton or Fulham fans, but you are. You just are.

Again Fellaini was magisterial, if that is even a word, and nodded in his goal against Bolton with a sort of lanky grace usually reserved for Peter Crouch and swans. He's dominating the midfield aerial battles and is combining well with Osman in the middle, even if it does leave us a bit slack defensively, and with Cahill back and Rodwell coming through the ranks we suddenly appear to have a wealth of options in the middle seemingly from nowhere. Saha finally managed to get on the scoresheet, we're now 7th in the league behind the mighty Hull, we got our first home win (for fucks sake) and we've picked up 7 points from the last 3 games... in other words, things are looking up.

Oh and to sweeten the deal further, Liverpool got beaten by Tottenham with ol' spade-face Carragher scoring an exquisite own goal. Later I used this to wind up our erstwhile Liverpool editor Yates until he got so drunk and surly that he ordered expensive cocktails from the bar and demanded for them to be 'put on the tab.' Shit got undignified. 

Greetings my fellow toffees, first of all my apologies for the lack of updates of late, but between my internet/pc being on the blink and spending some time in our fair capital I've been a bit short of time to report all that is good, bad and indifferent about our fair club.

After missing the first 20 minutes of the game whilst trying to find a pub in London (the natural home of the Man U supporter) which was actually showing the match, the outlook was not good. We were one-nil down to Darren Fletcher's nicely taken goal, and United were starting to turn the screws as they so often tend to do. However, after a few excellent saves from Howard, some hard tackling from P Nev, and some shameful histrionics from Ronaldo, it looked like we were getting a foothold in the game and managing to disrupt United's usual attacking grace. Beforehand I was dreading this game, not so much in that we might lose as I expected, but more the manner of our loss - all season we've looked short of confidence and even when a goal or two ahead we've looked shaky defensively. But the performance from the boys in the second half was as good as I've seen all season - with Fellaini managing to win the aerial battle in midfield (and seemingly getting more used to the pace of the Prem), and Jags and Yobo managing to contain the attacking threat from Rooney and Ronaldo.

When big Maz managed to glance the ball home from Arteta's sweeping corner kick, things were starting to look up, and literally seconds later Yakubu should have made it two-one after a rather uncharacteristic fuck up from the trembly-lipped wonder that is Rio Ferdinand. After another twenty minutes or so of excellent football from ourselves, the game was over, we had gained a vital point, and Ferguson was cracking out the old "the referee didn't give us enough protection," chestnut. Not only that, but the Gwladys Street End managed to wind Rooney up to the extent that he kissed his Man U badge, then stared darkly at anyone within spitting distance if they so much as looked at him funny, causing ol' Red Face to sub him before he bit clean through someone's leg in pure bovine anger. All in all, a good day.

Could be an interesting one this. On the one hand, in the games we've played so far this season we've looked lacklustre at the back, and that's putting it kindly. Tim Howard seems to be having a crisis of confidence which causes him to flail wildly at any cross or shot like a visually impared jack-rabbit, and Joleon Lescott has taken to absent mindedly wandering up and down the left flank, seemingly only vaguely aware that a football match is happening, much less that he is participating in it.

With Arsenal at home you would be forgiven for expecting a resounding thrashing, but I just have a funny feeling about this game. They are missing the wacky William Gallas and oddly-haired man mountain Bacary Sagna, and if there's one area where Arsenal lacks strength in depth it's at the back. If we play a 4-4-2, as I suspect we will with Cahill suspended, then it would give us a chance at giving Vaughny or Saha a run-out with the Yak to really have a go at them, like Hull managed so successfully in their win at the Emirates a couple of weeks ago. Having said that, we're nursing a few injuries ourselves with Castillo, Neville, Osman and possibly Yobo and Jags missing, but then again Moyes finally signed on the dotted line this week which could give the boys a timely boost of confidence.

Yes I'm sitting on the fence, and no I don't care. Oh, go on then... 2-1 to the toffees, with Arteta and James Vaughan the goalscorers. We have to remain optimistic don't we?

Second only perhaps to West Ham's physio, Jeff Stelling has possibly the hardest job in all of football and it is to his credit that he makes it look so easy. Like the metaphorical duck looking calm on the surface but paddling like fuck to stay afloat, he manages to not only coordinate all the results coming in on a Saturday afternoon, but does it with a calm assurance which is sometimes utterly bewildering to behold. Added to which, he has to cope with Phil Thompson and Paul Merson screaming out like a bunch of pre-schoolers at a cake convention every time there's a half chance in some goalless 'thriller,' between Southampton and Doncaster, or some such nonsense.

The man is a national treasure, like the Stephen Fry of football punditry, and has not only inspired in me a passing affection for Hartlepool, but has also inspired others to invent a drinking game in his name. If you haven't played it yet, here's a link to the rules (http://www.robwoolford.com/journal/2007/03/01/the-jeff-stelling-drinking-game/)  and if you have then you'll understand it only inspires more love for the man, like some kind of self-perpetuating drunken football man orgy. Jeff, you are a credit to your profession, and it does not go unappreciated by the legions of football fans robbed of their Saturday afternoon fix, courtesy of Sky and Setanta. Bravo sir!

Well, its finally sorted. After what seems like (and actually has been) months of speculation, Moysie has finally signed a new contract, keeping him at Everton until 2013. Having read around some of the Everton forums of late, there hasn't been quite the unanimous outpouring of joy at Moyes staying on as manager that I was expecting, with some toffees saying that he's taken us as far as he can with the means at his disposal. To these people, I say this: Shut your ungrateful whining traps.

Admittedly, we've had a poor start to the season but I for one am proud that we have shown loyalty to the man who has almost literally singlehandedly dragged us from the mires of the relegation battle to the heady heights of (getting knocked out of) Europe, especially when managers are hired and fired at the drop of a hat in the current climate. I can think of no other manager since perhaps Brian Clough who has managed to do more with less, and his eye for spotting and nurturing talent on the cheap (Cahill, Arteta, Lescott, Jags, Peanuts etc.) is pretty much unrivalled. Just think of what he can do if we get some rich Arabs/Indians/Nigerians behind him...

Onwards and upwards my friends.

Here's a great clip of everyone's favourite Spanish waiter Rafa Benitez falling over. Much like releasing gas from one's anus, there is something intrinsically amusing at watching someone fall flat on their arse. Even more amusing than this though, is watching the victims' bewildered expression as they somehow try and justify their momentary lapse of balance, and try to rectify it. Observe as Senor Benitez tries to shrug off the incident, before offering up the lamest attempt at a kick up I've ever seen. Enjoy!

Whilst browsing the Everton section on the BBC site yesterday, I noticed an update regarding Moyes' seeming inability to sign a piece of paper which would grant him millions and millions and millions of pounds, and make the majority of toffees very happy:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/e/everton/7661542.stm

For the most part it's a pretty standard article regarding the ongoing contract shenanigans, but a quote from the chief executive Robert Elstone caught my attention, it reads thus:

"The reason it has taken time is because neither side saw any issues. It will, I'm sure, be announced very soon,"

Now it could be that this was a misquote or I'm misunderstanding the point completely, but if there were no issues then surely that would make the contract easier to sign? It's this kind of weird Orwellian logic that is making this the dullest contract saga since the last incredibly dull contract saga. Anyway, this is the last time I shall mention this until something actually happens, or until my face caves in with sheer apathy towards the whole affair.

Hello there, my name is John and I shall be guiding you through the murky waters of rumour and conjecture surrounding our beloved club of late. Lets face it, it's been a pretty shocking start to the season by anyone's standards (except maybe Derby) with our only points coming from the three promoted teams and <shudder> Newcastle, and still no win at Goodison. Not to mention an early exit from both the Carling and UEFA cups. And as if all that wasn't bad enough, we've only gone out and got one of those godawful luminous yellow 3rd strips, which confuse and confound me in equal measure. I can only assume a disproportionate number of Blues fans are being knocked off their bikes whilst cycling at night, necessetating this sweeping social gesture.

Added to all this, we have Davey Moyes acting like some French floozy, constantly wafting his eyelashes and whispering sweet nothings to us regarding his new (£17 mil, 5 year) contract, then stealing away in the dead of night before 'sealing the deal,' so to speak. Last I heard, this was all supposed to have been resolved before the Newcastle game last weekend, but still nothing's happened and trying to get a straight answer out of the club of late is as futile as putting a cat in a microwave.