Hollywood or Bust: Monty Megson & The Goaly Grail

CatflapFootball.com | Bolton Wanderers — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 18:20:12 GMT

The Scene:

Bolton , 932 AD. King Megson, son of Uther BigSamDragon, King of all Boltonians, Sovereign of all Lancashire , is recruiting a band of knights to join him in the battlegrounds of Premalot. He’s not getting very far. With lone servant Chrissy, he passes through a typically disease-ridden, mud-caked village, preceded by the Dead Collector (Phil Gartside) doing his rounds, collecting corpses at ninepence a go. A large man (from Benfica) attempts to get a not-quite-dead body taken away…

Dead Collector: (Trudging through a plague-stricken village behind a wooden cart piled high with corpses and pulled by a trio of emaciated, sackcloth-wearing wretches: he bangs a large triangle with a club)

Bring out your dead!

(Among the depraved sights in the village, we see an old crone beating a cat against the wall of her house. A couple wrestle in the mire. One old man seems to be climbing into a shopping basket in readiness for the Dead Collector).

Dead Collector: Bring out your dead! (A man dumps a corpse on the cart).

Nine-pence. (He pays up and walks away).

Bring out your dead!

Large Man (from Benfica): (Carrying an aged body over his shoulder). Here’s one.

Dead Collector: Nine-pence.

Ariza Makukula: I’m not dead.

Dead Collector: What?

Large Man (From Benfica): Nothing. There’s your nine-pence.

Body: I’m not dead.

Dead Collector: ‘Ere. He says he’s not dead.

Large Man (From Benfica): Yes he is.

Body: I’m not dead.

Dead Collector: He isn't?

Large Man (From Benfica): Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.

Body: I’m bloody-well not. I’m looking for a new club, where I can demonstrate my immense mobility, fitness and sharpness in front of goal. Does that sound like someone who’s brown-bread to you?

Dead Collector: See – you lying bastard! I’m not taking him.

Large Man (From Benfica): Come on, you lousy shithouse – have a heart! We can’t fooking give him away. He could come good for you?

Dead Collector: Ok – you’ve convinced me with your sob-story. I’ll tell you what – given your troubles, I’ll give you a few hundred thousand just to take him off your hands. Only until May though – no longer than that.

Large Man (From Benfica) – Looking away and saying slyly to the camera: Christ on a bloody bike – there really is one born every minute…

The story continues…

Bolton Wanderers - Hollywood or Bust

Hollywood or Bust: Monty Megson & The Goaly Grail