Bolton Wanderers FC

Scene 1: Fathers Ebi Crilly (Ebi Smolarek), Dougal McGuire (Jason McAteer) and Jack Twatty (Gerry Taggart) are sitting in the front room of their Craggy Island house. Ebi is pacing up and down by the window, Jack is asleep in his threadbare chair and Dougal is playing with an etch-a-sketch.

FD: Ebi, I’ve finally done it. I’ve drawn a picture of Spongebob Squarepants.

FE: Shut-up Dougal, you clueless turd. I’m nervous enough today without having to listen to your constant stream of drivel.

Just as Dougal is about to reply, Mrs Doyle (Mario Jardel) enters the room, shaking like a leaf, carrying a tray of tea, pork pies, chocolate, chips (with gravy and scraps), kebabs, crisp, cakes and ghee.

MD: Will yah be having a nice cup of tea Fathers, and some nice fatty junk food? Will yahs? Ahhhh go awn, go awn, go awn, go awn.

FE: I’d love some Mrs Doyle but you’ve already eaten them all, you fat knacker. Besides, I’m too worried to drink. I have to work out how I’m going to kick Bishop Megson up the arse as a result of losing that bet. He’s coming round soon to critique my sermon.

FD: Ohhhhhh, dat’ll be brilllllliant Eb. Seeing you kick Bishop Megson up the ahrse. I can’t wait.

At that moment Bishop Megson storms into the room. A squat man, he wears a permanent look of anger on his increasingly reddening face.

BM: Eb. That sermon is a steaming pile of arse, and I haven’t even read it yet. You’re not getting anywhere near the frontline with performances like that.

FE: Ahhhhh, bollocks to this. Take that you little ginger bastard……

Father Eb proceeds to kick Bishop Megson up the arse, rupturing his sphincter in the process. The Bishop is out of action for 6 months, so Chris Evans takes on his Bishopy duties. He underperforms, attendances plummet, the congregation grows restless and Ebi never preaches for the parish again. He is ferried off to a foreign diocese in the January transfer window. Father Dougal continues to be thick, Father Jack continues to be pissed, Mrs Doyle continues to eat all the fatty food and Bishop Megson struggles passing stools for the remainder of the year. The end.