Bolton Wanderers FC

Whoah –we’re thin on the ground tonight folks. Must be a combination of the credit crunch, the traditional January ‘skint as a bastard’ period and people on detox drinking green tea rather than Bank Top Flat Cap. As a result, any karaoke request will be granted tonight. So next up is a perma-tanned crooner named El Tel. It appears El Tel has appeared on TV back in the 70's so let’s relive that moment now with some soul-stirring vocals. This fella is destined for big things, so please don’t throw any chips, darts or broken bottles at him…

To celebrate Hartlepool landing Premiership opposition in the form of West Ham in the next round of the FA Cup, here's one just for Jeff Stelling and the like. A fine video of the Hartlepool version of the Riverdance...

Please don't tell me January is to be as depressing as December. We're just 5 points clear of the bottom club in the league, we were knocked out of the Carling Cup at the first hurdle by the mighty Northampton Town and now we're out of the FA Cup at the first hurdle. All we have to look forward to is retaining our Premier League status. Save for a flukey Smolarek goal, this was cut and dried for Sunderland and, despite fielding a virtual full-strength team, we still gave in too easily. Could have been a good year too, seeing as though Liverpool play Everton and Man United play Spurs in the next round. Too depressed to add anything else - next 2 league fixtures are, as I've said on many occasions recently, Arsenal and Man United. What a treat...

10. Watch the satellite channel 'UK Knitting Gold' all day long.

9. Shave your testicles and make a nice Ivan Campo wig from the offcuts

8. Discover your inner-vegan. Throw all your meat and dairy products in the bin and experience a really exciting month of eating nothing but mung bean salads and cauilflower and walnut soup.

7. Start watching cricket. It is the worst sport known to man but you will be asleep in no time.

6. Become a music industry impressario and start your own boy-band. Simply advertise for 5 supple & good-looking young boy (whilst attempting to convince your mates you haven't suddenly turned homosexual) and make sure you include the token handsome bastard and the token chubster who can't dance but can knock out a hell of a pop tune. Then watch the millions roll in.

5. Retire from your everyday job and spend your days writing sarcastic comments on someone's Catflap blog, even though your total football knowledge could be written on the back of a gnat's chuff.

4. Audition for the next series of Big Brother. Concerned that you're just a little too normal to get in there? Then simply pretend you're either:

    a) A pneumatic blonde trollope who happens to think that the Andes are at the end of the Wristys

    b) A militant black guy who likes gangster rap

    c) A rampaging O.T.T. homosexual

    d) A BNP member with ridiculously extreme views on the current state of the UK, all obviously brought about by illegal immigrants.

3. Ape David Blane and spend the entire month suspended above your home town's leisure centre in a glass box.

2. Become a celebrity stalker. Potential 'victims' I'd personally suggest include Richard Arnold, Victoria Beckham, Jeremy Kyle and Heather Mills.

1. Run for the American presidency. It won't be long before some redneck fruitcake takes a pot-shot at Barack and that will be the perfect opportunity for an everyman English bloke to slip into the hotseat without the Yanks realising the new president is wearing an England away shirt with 'Rooney' stamped on the back.

In what will surely turn out to be the most talked-about deal in this transfer window, Heidar Helguson has joined QPR on a permanent deal. A truly wonderful signing  by Sammy Lee (who paid Fulham £1.3 million for his services), Heidar made a staggering 10 appearances for Bolton in his 15 months with the club. He will be much missed around these parts and we can expect to see a shrine erected at the Reebok in his honour sometime soon...

How the hell can this game be predicted? What line-ups will Ricky Sbragggagagraiiagagdgdggfgfagia and Gary Megson put out? Haven't a clue about Sunderland (and don't particularly care, to be honest with you) but it looks like Megson will put out a fairly strong starting XI (the local press this week has reported on the sparsity of the first team squad and the fact that Megson has no option but to put a strong team out). I still believe he'll throw a couple of the young lads in (Basham? Obadeyi?) but it should still be a relatively strong team. I can see Sbragia doing the same though, if for no other reason than to prevent a reoccurrence of the 4-1 spanking we gave them up there in November.

Because of the lackof knowledge of the starting line-ups, my predictions will be 1-1 (head talking) or 5-0 to Bolton (heart talking). Come on you Whites - a trip to Wembley would be welcome this season...

Time to get serious now. I usually advise against FA Cup bets as shocks happen all the time. However, a small stake will retain an extra interest in this weekends events and, as we're now focussed on winning money (rather than landing the big odds), this lot return at 5/1. Good luck and here's hoping Blanche will be having a celebratory Pernod or 5 come late Monday evening...

Spurs, Arsenal, Chelsea, Middlesbrough, Aston Villa, Man United & Blackburn.

It's good to see Megson aiming to be active in the transfer market early on in the month. Already had a £3 million bid for James Morrison rejected by West Brom (seems a decent player but I don't know a great deal about him, having not paid much attention to West Brom's plight this season - perhaps Youngy can elaborate further on the lad) plus a rumoured £1.5 million bid for West Ham's Calum Davenport is in the offing. Now these have probably been lost amongst the pages and pages of rumours about whom Man City will be after (anyone from Wayne Bridge to Adriano to Bruce Forsyth apparently) and, whilst not big name players, I'm going to reserve judgement for now. After all, the signings Megson has made to date (i.e. this time last year - Matt Taylor, Gretar Steinsson and Gary Cahill) have been excellent. He's hoping he can repeat such form and strengthen the squad over the next 30 days - God knows it's needed. Promises to be an interesting month for us non-interesting clubs, as well as the big boys...

Hi folks – Gavin here! Nothing funny in this post – just a selection of fine performances from Jools’ excellent shows from over the years.

A big thank-you goes out to Catflap’s resident music maestro Northy for the inspiration behind this entry. His musical picks are always entertaining and, whilst not wishing to nick his fine idea on a regular basis, I’m hoping that he won’t mind me posting a few favourites of my own.

- And reverting back to form in a terrible month. Defeats against Chelsea, Villa (in what was a real pasting), Liverpool and Wigan leave us just 3 points above the drop zone. Only a convincing 2-1 victory over Portsmouth prevents a clean sweep of defeats.

- Rather predictaby, Anelka scores on his return to the Reebok. A true world-class talent, it's good to see him finally winning over the fickle Chelsea fans who gave him stick at the start of his time there.

- Ian Walker leaves the club, to seek first team football elsewhere (possibly the American MLS league, if rumours are to be believed). No lap-dancer gags please - they've been done enough here already!

- Positive news on the goalkeeper front though with Ali Al-Habsi signing a contract extension until 2011.

- The transfer rumour mill kicks in again. Players we've been linked with include Berra (Hearts), Bullard (again, though it isn't going to happen) and Nicky Butt. Time will tell...

- What a turnaround! The month begins with a 2-0 victory over the Arab half of Manchester, followed by away victories at Hull, Boro and Sunderland. The only blot on the month was a home defeat to Liverpool, though Megson was still (deservedly) awarded the manager-of-the-month award.

- Ricardo Gardner scores his first league goal in almost 6 years in the Man City victory!

- Jussi produces one of the finest goalkeeping displays in Premiership history in the Hull victory.

- Elmander finds his scoring boots again, adding goals to some promising performances.

- The unbelievable Rob Styles is at it again. That he was chosen to ref a Bolton game so soon after the Man United penalty debacle was barmy enough. That he disallowed a perfectly legal Gary Cahill goal for a push on Pepe Reina by Kevin Nolan really did rub salt into the wounds.

- Nicky Hunt, due to limited first team chances, joins Birmingham City on loan.

- Heidur Helguson heads to QPR on loan. Some of us still haven't recovered from the eternal disappointment of that move...

- Elmander comes under a bit of stick due to his inability to find the back of the net. Despite having been injured for a while, and despite putting in some energetic and commited displays, he still hasn't scored since the opening game of the season.

- A mixed month, results wise. Beginning with an excellent 3-1 victory at West Ham (Zola's first defeat as manager), there followed an entertaining 0-0 draw (not often you get to say that...) with Blackburn, a 2-0 loss to a Spurs team buoyed by the appointment of Harry Redknapp and another defeat in an awful game at home to Everton at the end of the month.

- Andy O'Brien signs a new deal to keep him at the club until 2011. Having been rock solid since joining in 2007, his form promptly takes a major nose-dive in the run up to Christmas. We're confident he'll get back on track though...

- Doubts about Ali Al-Habsi's future at the club resurface.

- Megson takes a huge amount of flak but vows to carry on. He does himself no favours by continually referring to Bolton Wanderers and/or the Reebok as 'this place' in interviews. We end the month in a dismal 19th place in the league...

- Severe unrest amongst the Reebok faithful as we lose to Fulham, Arsenal & Man United.

- However, Rob Styles showed his complete ineptness yet again by awarding Man United a penalty for an excellently timed tackle by J Lloyd Samuel on Cristiano Ronaldo. Davd Blunkett could have seen how good a tackle it was, yet the self-important Mr Styles again opted for the egotistical decision to thrust himself in the limelight rather than having a quiet and effective game (as all decent referees should).

- That's about it for this month. Piss poor football being augmented by piss poor refereeing. It's going to be a long hard season...

- Hull begin the month by making a bid for talismanic striker Kevin Davies. Thankfully, they weren't successful. Some good news at the end of the month when Davo extended his contract to 2011.

- Signings this month include Danny Shittu (£2 million) and Ebi Smolarek (season-long loan deal).

- On the way out: Abdoulaye Meite (to West Brom) and Blerim Dzemali (to Torino on season-long loan deal)

- A great start to the season with a convincing 3-1 victory over Stoke, with Elmander netting on his competitive debut.

- However, we swiftly reverted back to type by losing at Newcastle, losing to Northampton in the Carling Cup and producing a dire display in a 0-0 home draw with West Brom.

- Just to add to the woes, Elmander and Taylor both pick up injuries in addition to Gary Cahill's suspension due to a red card in the Northampton defeat. Happy days!

- The rumour mill sees the Whites linked with, amongst others, James Harper, Joey Barton, Simon Vukcevic and Djibril Cisse.

- However, the only signing of note during this month was Mutafa Riga from Levante.

- Riga signed on the same day Dioufy left for Sunderland in a £2.5 million deal, after a spell of inactivity when it seemed no-one would be putting a bid in for the Senegalese spitting sensation.

- Other than that, a dull July on the transfer front.

- Ivan Campo admits he is bitter about the manner of his release from BWFC, being informed of his release in a brief phone-call from Megson a few days after the end of the season. He was equally hacked off at not hearing anything from Phil Gartside (though that isn't really a fantastic surprise to be honest - he doesn't seem the most empathetic of chairmen...). All of this prompted the Spanish legend's heart-warming response (twice over too!) via Guillem Balague's website: 1st-letter     2ndletter

- Fabrice Muamba signs for £5 million and Johan Elmander signs for anything between £8 million and £11 million, depending on who in the media you pay attention to.

- Daniel Braaten is linked with a move away from the Reebok. This doesn't see a surge of sales of Kleenex amongst Bolton fans crying buckets at the prospect of losing such an influential player...

- That's it for June really. A typically boring summer month, football-wise...

- Dioufy claws his way back into our affections with a delightful goal in a 2-0 win over Sunderland which all but seals our Premiership status. It would take a caning of monumental proportions at Stamford Bridge in the final game, plus freak results elsewhere, to send us down now...

- ...and that doesn't happen. A totally unexpected 1-1 draw against Chelsea secures safety. Unbelievable when you consider where we were at the beginning of April.

- Stelios, Ivan Campo, Andranik Teymourian and Dioufy all leave the club. Only Dioufy gets the chance to bid the fans farewell, as the rest are released post-season. This rankles the fans considerably, especially where such good servants as Campo and Stelios are concerned.

- With comedy timing of the very highest order, Dioufy, on April Fools Day, announces that he won't be plying his trade at the Reebok after the 07/08 season. Thanks for that boost in the fight against relegation and enjoy your football with 'a bigger club' during the 08/09 season...

- 4 days later a 4-0 defeat at Villa really compounds things. Oh well - bye-bye Premier League. It's been nice knowing you...

- ...but hold on a minute! What a run of results to end the month. Starting with a 1-0 win at West Ham (with Alan Curbishley's arse obviously twitching a little when he starts wheeling out the 'physical approach' accusation), this was swiftly followed by a 1-0 victory at Middlesbrough (courtesy of goal machine Gavin McCann) and a battling draw at White Hart Lane. Ali Al-Habsi performed brilliantly all month whilst deputising for an injured Jussi and we ended the month in 16th place, just ahead of Birmingham and Reading. The first game in May was to be a home match against a Sunderland team who had secured their Premier League status on the same day we grabbed a point from Spurs...

- A fine start to the month. A rare Jussi gaff helped Liverpool to a 3-1 Reebok victory, leaving us clear of the drop-zone on goal difference only.

- Megson incurs the wrath of many Bolton fans by fielding weakened teams in both UEFA Cup ties v Sporting Lisbon. We fail to progress and a large number of fans who shelled out decent money to travel to Portugal to watch what was essentially a reserve team feel very pissed off indeed.

- The reason given for the weakened team was to concentrate on the following game against Wigan at the JJB. Despite Jason Koumas being sent off in the 5th minute, Wigan still go on to win 1-0. Yip - worth waiting for that Gary...

- The now-infamous Meitegate scandal took place during a 2-0 defeat at Old Trafford, with, if rumour is to be believed, Abdoulaye Meite refused to turn out for the second half. Funnily enough, he never played for the club again...

- The month ended with a wonderful game at home to Arsenal, only spoiled by the result. 2-0 up against 10-man Arsenal with 30 minutes left, we did a wonderful job of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and lost 3-2. That sent us into April without a win in seven games, nestling in the bottom three whilst trailing Birmingham by 4 points and being marked up at 1/5 to be relegated. Time to find the directions to Nottingham Forest's City Ground...

- First away win of the season at Reading. A vital victory as things transpired.

- Nice to see the good old Spanish police trying to knock seven shades out of our fans in the UEFA Cup tie at Athletico Madrid. Even though we somehow got through to the last 16, this put a real dampener on things.

- And then we return to blighty and get hammered 4-1 off Blackburn, ending the month just 3 points clear of the drop zone. Oh happy days...

- Megson admitted he was hoping to get Jermain Defoe during the January transfer window. Yeah right. And Greeny was leaving his missus to move into a Hugh Hefner style mansion with Kylie, Salma Hayek, Eva Mendes, Kelly Brook and Cheryl Cole....

- Instead of Defoe we got Grzegorz Rasiak on loan from Southampton. Whoop-de-fooking-do...

Hi! ‘Magic’ Mixu Paatelainen here. Even though, as Hibs manager, I’m now close to usurping the Glasgow duo’s vice-like grip on the Scottish title, I still get time to keep an eye on my most favouritest of previous clubs. And it is with great delight that I can announce that MC Micky G has asked me to compile a review of the BWFC year; a request which I have most joyously accepted. So, without further ado, let’s start with Jan.08.

- A last minute Stelios strike just edges Bolton past the league's whipping boys (Derby). League position is still perilous though.

- A woeful display saw a 1-0 FA Cup 3rd round loss to Sheffield United at the Reebok. Just rubs salt in the wounds really.

- The Elk signs for Chelsea in a £15 million deal. Having already scored 11 goals in 22 games, that's really going to help our fight against relegation...

- Cahill, Steinsson and Taylor all arrive. Credit where it's due to Megson - all have turned out to be decent signings.

- Christian Wilhelmsson moves on. Sorry to see his missus leave but not the man himself...  catflaptotty

- Djibril Cisse says less than complimentary things about us when linked with a move. Enjoy yourself in the cosmopolitan metropolis that is Sunderland Djibril, you freaky-haired gobshite.

Now this really did make me laugh today! As much as I love the bloke, does any rumour-monger seriously believe Chelsea would be in for Kevin Davies? He is excellent at what he does and is an integral player but seriously - Chelsea are looking to sign world class players for phenomenal fees. As much as it pains me to say it, Davo doesn't fall into that category. The one true world class player we've had over the past couple of years is, funnily enough, currently plying his trade in a Chelsea shirt. Look to the continent for the glamour players Mr Scolari and leave Davo doing what he undoubtedly does best at a place where he is best suited doing just that.

As if we didn't need any convincing, the recall of Nicky Hunt from Birmingham perfectly illustrates how threadbare the current first team squad is. He may figure in the FA Cup game at Sunderland on Saturday but this leads me to believe that Megson obviously isn't expecting to sign anyone of note between now and the next league game at Arsenal on 10th Jan. The current problems stem from the suspensions of Gavin McCann and Gretar Steinsson so, whilst it's no surprise that Hunt is back with us, it's a concern that we are in such dire straits as to have to do this. Come on Eddie Davies - get your hand in your pocket and let Megson splash the cash this Jan...

The abject display on Sunday got me to thinking about who I'd like to see sign on the dotted line in January. The current squad is woefuly in need of reinforcements in the following areas:

Centre-Half

Central Midfield (a real battler - Lee Cattermole's battling display yesterday epitomised perfectly what we need)

Central Midfield (an inventive playmaker - the days of the likes of Okocha & Djorkaeff appear to be long gone)

Right winger (our only real right winger at the moment is Gretar Steinsson. Unfortunately, his primary position is right-back)

A predatory goal-getter. The type who will hang about up top and pinch goals when you need them.

So, with all of the above in mind (and probably complete pie-in-the-sky), my wish list is:

Tal Ben-Haim, Nigel Reo-Coker, Jimmy Bullard, Jermaine Pennant, Daniel Sturridge or Ched Evans.

No hope of getting any of them but you can only dream...

Some welcome (and very surprising) good news coming through today in the form of Ali Al-Habsi signing a four year extension to his current contract. Originally due to expire in the summer, it was widely expected that Ali would move elsewhere in search of first team football (he is surely too good to be playing second fiddle to anyone), with Tottenham strongly linked. However, this extension will see him remain at the Reebok until 2013. I can only assume that he has received reassurances that he will be the club's No.1 once Jussi has retired but, regardless of the reasons, this is very positive news indeed.

Hello! A festive festooned Ali here, with my latest musings. Enjoy, have a wonderful New Year and see you in 2009! Your old chum, Ali. x

- Happy New Year!

- I'm glad I was busy crayoning yesterday, rather than taking part in such a turgid game. What a bumper pile of arse biscuits!

- It's my birthday tomorrow! 27 years young. Here's hoping Mrs Al-Habsi gets me Eva Mendes, like I've asked her too.

- To celebrate, I've signed a new contract with the whites. It had to be done really - why would I want to go to Spurs and act as No.2 to Coco the clown?

- You're too full? But it's Christmas so what the hell? That's no excuse Greeny, you fat shit. Just eat a bit less and you won't sit there like Mr Creosote, you heaving great porker. Get on a diet in the New Year too, before you go the same way as John Candy.

- RIP Eartha Kitt. However, though it may no longer be too respectable to do so, I'm going to continue using your name as rhyming slang for a bloody good dump. I'm sure you'd appreciate the sentiment.

- Lloyd and Liz getting it on in Coronation Street? That really will put Mrs Al-Habsi off her mid-evening sausage roll. Urggghhhhh.

- The Gavin & Stacey Christmas Special was an over-rated pile of tosh. Very disappoining indeed.

- I'm looking forward to a typical New Years Eve, during which I spend a few hours pouring over the days newspapers and taking in the various reviews of the year. I'll have to see if I can get one of my team-mates to post a BWFC review of the year here? That would be nice...

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