Bolton Wanderers FC

Jewell was heavily linked with the BWFC job following Sammy Lee’s sacking but preferred to take on the Derby job; a decision he now surely regrets, given that Derby aren’t the shoe-ins Jewell obviously thought they were for promotion back to the Premiership this season. So, what would have happened had Jewell taken the Reebok hot seat…

He firstly signed Nathan Ellington for £3 million (funds raised by selling Kevin Davies to Arsenal (Wenger loves him really) for £2.9 million and Nicolas Anelka to Bradford for £100k (Jewell likes to help his old clubs)) and intended pairing him up front with Ricardo Vaz Te, who, Jewell proclaimed, ‘would be as good as Cristiano Ronaldo given regular starts’… Stelios moved to Wigan in a swap deal for Uncle Joe (of mint-balls fame) and, in an unforgiveable example of the most basic of schoolboy errors, Jewell accidentally signed 80’s white-soul warbler Paul Young when he actually meant to bid for Ashley Young.

To summarise, the season was close to disaster. Bolton stayed up by the skins of their teeth (sound familiar?), with Vaz Te spending the entire season on the sidelines thanks to a bruised arse incurred whilst theatrically falling over in a pre-season friendly versus Doncaster Belles. Ellington scored 23 of the team’s 35 goals, with Paul Young 2^nd top scorer with an impressive tally of 9, all scored at home as, despite being played in every game, Young did try conveying the message that ‘Everytime you go away, you take a piece of me with you’. Such heartfelt emotion obviously had a big effect on his game away from the Reebok but Jewell was too busy eating Revels to realise this. Jewell was eventually hounded out by the fans who were frustrated in his refusal to sign further 80’s pop stars (Terence Trent D’Arby, Stedman from 5-Star and Wendy James from Transvision Vamp were all rumoured transfers which never materialised) and is now forming a barbershop quartet with fellow Scouse mirthsters Jimmy Tarbuck, Stan Boardman and Alexi Sayle.