Bolton Wanderers FC

Straight in with them this week folks – I’m busy making a match-stick model of the HMS Victory – time is of the essence. At least we’ve got a week off now, so I should get it finished. Lots of love. Ali. x

* Scolari sacked? The game has officially gone mad. Abramovic no longer just looks like a village idiot – he’s starting to demonstrate the actions of a country bumpkin too.

* Todd Carty has gone? That’s an immediate loss of 1 million viewers for ITV…

* What is this white stuff you all call snow? Jesus – I’m heading back to Oman if this keeps up…

* Check out the red button on BBC-I. Elbow, live with the BBC Concert Orchestra – fantastic stuff.

* I found out this week that it’s nigh on impossible to scratch your balls whilst trying to rake out your snotter at the same time. Mrs Al-Habsi wasn’t too happy that I had this eureka-moment in the middle of the Trafford Centre…

* Tony Adams has lost his job. Caprice has lost hundreds of thousands on her property investments. Time to reconcile and wallow in each other’s melancholy in the finest way possible me thinks…

* Michael Phelps? The wholesome, all-American hero likes sampling a bong or two? Whatever next – Obama and Michelle in a home-made video getting creative with a tub of peanut butter whilst wearing Bill & Hilary Clinton masks? God bless America!

* Yet more evidence last weekend suggesting that Mike Riley isn’t fit to serve up the spuds in a school canteen. What a feckless, arrogant, useless, attention-seeking wasock he is.

* Don’t tell anyone where you saw this but I might get a go up front against West Ham next week. If they’re letting Makukula ply his trade up there, anyone’s got a chance. And Southampton thought they were bummed by Ali Dia, the practical joker who was supposedly ‘George Weah’s cousin’….