Bolton Wanderers FC

Wa-hey! It’s your jovial, genial columnist Ali here once again. And I’m in a bloody spiffing mood this week, thanks to Jussi conceding a couple on Saturday. Don’t tell anyone about this (it’s our little secret) but I’ve been waiting for him to do that again, given his recent form. Now, hopefully, Meggo (or Max Branning from Eastenders as I prefer to call him) will see that I am the finest keeper in this delightful province and give me my chance against Boro on Saturday. It simply has to happen. Anyway, time will tell (and remember, mum’s the word…) but for now here’s the high-brow reflections on life I’ve scribbled down in my nice new Hannah Montana notebook over the past few days:

- I’ve never seen Denise Van Outen fondling cream horns in the Bolton Morrisons store, which is why I started shopping at Lidl. I’ve never seen Alan Hansen there either but I’m not really arsed about him to be honest with you.

- Where has all the English white dog shit gone? We still have it in Oman?

- Children In Need, whilst for a very, very worthy cause, is as dull as shit to watch. Might I suggest the BBC liven up next years event by getting Nicole Shwerzinger, Eva Mendes, Kate Garraway (guilty pleasure – sorry!) & Jessica Alba to have a bikini-clad tag-team wrestling match in a big vat full of vimto, tomato sauce and melted chocolate? Then I’d certainly donate a whole English pound.

- Why was Daniel voted out of the X-Factor? I though his distinctly average singing voice shouldn’t have detracted from the fact that his gut-wrenching sob-story should have seen him romp to victory.

- God bless America.

- God bless 18 bottles of Becks for £6.99 at Tesco.

- God bless Emily Maitlis every time she reads the BBC news, the intelligent-yet-still-exceedingly-saucy minx.

- It’s strong and it’s sudden and it can be cruel some times,

  But it might just change your life.

  That’s the power of love.

Peace and love.

AAH