Bolton Wanderers FC

Whoah –we’re thin on the ground tonight folks. Must be a combination of the credit crunch, the traditional January ‘skint as a bastard’ period and people on detox drinking green tea rather than Bank Top Flat Cap. As a result, any karaoke request will be granted tonight. So next up is a perma-tanned crooner named El Tel. It appears El Tel has appeared on TV back in the 70's so let’s relive that moment now with some soul-stirring vocals. This fella is destined for big things, so please don’t throw any chips, darts or broken bottles at him…

 

 

To celebrate Hartlepool landing Premiership opposition in the form of West Ham in the next round of the FA Cup, here's one just for Jeff Stelling and the like. A fine video of the Hartlepool version of the Riverdance...

 

 

Hi folks – Gavin here! Nothing funny in this post – just a selection of fine performances from Jools’ excellent shows from over the years.

 

A big thank-you goes out to Catflap’s resident music maestro Northy for the inspiration behind this entry. His musical picks are always entertaining and, whilst not wishing to nick his fine idea on a regular basis, I’m hoping that he won’t mind me posting a few favourites of my own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Merrrry Christmas! It’s good to see that Greeny is respectful of tradition and respect and, as the longest serving player at the club (and you can piss off Ricky –I’m the top dog here), its right that I should have the final say in this tedious list of our favourite Christmas ditties. And there’s no arguing on this one – this is, without a shadow of a doubt, the finest Christmas song of all time. I like the fact that it’s a sobering antidote to the saccharine soaked cheese of all the 70’s classics (whilst still being an excellent sing-along-a-tune). I like the fact that Shane McGowan would make Greeny look like a Mens Health cover model. I like the fact that this song is now a poignant reminder of the wonderful talents of the much-missed Kirsty McColl. It is, quite simply, an absolute classic. I wanted to post the video here 5 times over, just so you wouldn’t miss it, but Greeny will only allow one showing. So enjoy and make sure you watch it at least 5 times today. Have a delightful Yule and thanks for your wonderful support over the past decade or so. It kept me here at the Reebok, not that I ever thought about leaving…honest! Your loyal friend. Jussi. x

 

 

 

Hello, my festive chums! Ali here and, firstly, please let me apologise for the column being a day late this week – Mrs Al-Habsi has had me out Christmas shopping so I’ve been rather busy. And what a week it’s been! So, without further ado, here’s my musings for the past few days. Peace, love and a reet boozy & proper Crimbo to all of you. Your very dear friend, Father Habsi-mas. xxx

 

- The economic crisis currently engulfing this country in a dark and sinister manner really isn’t very nice.

 

- Tamir Cohen obviously doesn’t watch much on TV other than comedy programmes.

 

- Having said that, the Harry Gary CaHill DVD is bloody hilarious.

 

- Tom Chambers? TOM CHAMBERS? He shouldn’t even have been in the final. It’s a bloody disgrace.

 

- Watching the music channels has convinced me that Bo Selecta’s Proper Crimbo is the finest festive tune ever. I can’t believe none of my team-mates have selected it so I’m showing the video here:

 

 

- Having seen Ruth from the X-Factor at the Royal Premiere of the new Dolph Lundgren movie Snails on a Plane this week (and yes, before you ask, I do get invited to such high-profile events), I’d like to know if she’s selling those puppies? If so, I’ll have the one with the pink nose. But don’t tell Mrs Al-Habsi….she’s got a canine allergy…

 

 

- Keep an eye out for Lardel & Lee’s festive culinary special – it’s a belter!

 

- It was a shame to see Ian Walker leave the club last week but, if rumours are to be believed, he will get a deal with a US Major League team soon. Can’t see why he wants to go to the land of obesity, psychotic college kids and lap dancing to be honest with you but good luck to him all the same.

 

- I’d like to sing about all the things, your eyes and mind can see.

  I’m asking you if you’ll oblige, stepping into Christmas with meeeeeeeeeeeeee!

 

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Heeeeey you guyyyyyys! Ian ‘Marshy’ Marshall here with my favourite Christmas ditty. Thanks to Mr Green for allowing me to contribute – I’ve had to take time out from the pantomime rehearsals to pen this (I’m playing Shrek in the festive production at the Isle of Skye Amphitheatre this year – get yourself up here if you can – it’ll be great!) but it’s an enormous pleasure to contribute. My favourite Christmas ditty is actually one of my favourite songs outright. It got me through some difficult childhood times, which is why I hold it so dear. As a young slip of a lad, the kids at school used to call me Franky (as in Frankenstein). This demonstrated the ignorance of the thick bastards as, if they were being technically correct, they should have called me Frankenstein’s monster, as Frankenstein was the name of the mad doctor, played so convincingly in the 1931 original by the wonderful Colin Clive.

 

Anway, this name calling grew particularly bad in winter when, as in the film, I had to trudge through the snow (to get to school) in a similarly ambling, shuffling and generally monster-like manner to the lumbering Boris Karloff in the aforementioned Universal Studios classic. After a while though, the name calling resided and I actually grew to love the snowy climate. On those dark, cold, mornings, I would sing this uplifting tune as I ambled up that snowy path, avoiding the angry mob of kids and their fiery beacons. It still resonates with me to this day and I’m proud to share such a lovely song with you all here. So have a delightful Christmas, tell your little ‘uns not to burst into tears if they see me in the street and have a prosperous 2009. Best wishes. IM. x

 

 

 

Har-sole! Akinori here and I cannot tell you how pleased I am to be approached by Mister Green to contribute to his marverrous column. I have many recordings on my Sky+ box and am absolutely delight to share them with you all. So here they are – I hope you find them velly inspiring and interesting! Lots of love. Akinori.

 

Heroes

Of course, to appreciate the velly fine talent of my fellow Japanese fella Hiro, and his good and loyal friend Frank. Leaping across the time and space continuum is very big in Japan now, mostly as result of this show.

 

Jonathan Ross Does Japan

Or whatever the title was. Hidden away on BBC9, this showed Mr Ross as the serious and talent presenter he capable of being, when not making jokey abaaaaaawt knobs, farts and making rude with relation of famous persons. A luvverry snapshot of Japanese culture.

 

The Last Samurai

My favourite film, with Mr Tom of Cruise and Timothy Spall, who play Barry in Auf Wiedersehen Pet. A wart and all account of a velly important time in Japanese history.

 

Showdown In Little Tokyo

My second favourite film, with Mr Dolph of Lundgren and the velly much missed Mr Brandon of Lee. A balls to the floor action movie, full of set-piece and fight. I must warn though – there is a little glimpse of breasticle at one stage. Best not to watch with kiddies or Grandmothers!

 

Shampoo: Live From The Foot of Mount Fujirama

My favourite concert ever! Great British pop band Shampoo are legend in Japan too, having sold mirrions of record! Akinori at this show and couldn’t contain excitement – I actually pee-pee in trousers! Crowd were wild, Shampoo were velly good – what a day! Sadly, no footage remain from this show (ed: probably because it’s completely fictitious…), but here is clip of aforementioned pop superstars from your top show ‘Top of the Pop’. Altogether now:

‘Ro, Ro, We in trouble. Somethin’ come arong and burst our bubble’.

 

 

 

Balls to that lot – I know its Christmas and that’s all I’m arsed about…

 

Only joshing! Youri here, attempting to spread the true meaning of Christmas, as dictated by Sir Bob of Geldof. What a worthy man, what a worthy cause, what a worthy tune. Strip away the commercialism and the rabid self-indulgence displayed by most of the civilised world at this time of year and this is what you’re left with – the true meaning of Christmas. Caring for your fellow men (and women, children, domestic pets, sheep and goats) across the globe. Ensuring we live in a world where no-one has to suffer. Ensuring that you parcel up all your left over sprouts, spuds and turkey twizzlers come Boxing Day and send them off to someone who will consider our leftovers to be a meal fit for a king (and, let’s face it, it doesn’t cost much to send a small parcel to Wales now-a-days…) (thanks go to Ann Robinson for that little gem…). And nowhere is that sentiment better epitomised than in the greatest Christmas song ever – Do They Know Its Christmas?

 

I’ve opted for the Band Aid 20 version here as I think it’s the best of the 3, putting, as it does, a contemporary slant on a 24 year old classic. Take out the Dizee ‘gobshite’ Rascal rap and you have a bona fide classic for the noughties. So here’s the video. Enjoy and remember the real message when you’re playing your Nintendo Wii with one hand and drinking cans of Tenants Super Strength with the other. Take care. Youri. x

 

 

Hello my old friends. Gudni here, typing this from the frozen wasteland of Iceland, prior to heading back to England to see you all once again. I’ve chosen this song (the Bon Jovi interpretation, rather than the more maudlin Eagles version) as it’s something I know many of you sing to me at this time of year. I do consider Bolton to be my second home now, so I can understand what this song means to you all. Plus we all like a bit of rock in Iceland, so I had to go for a Christmas tune with a nice bit of guitar playing in it, though it does piss me off when radio stations and video music channels cut off Richie Sambora’s tasteful guitar outro. Stop it, you shits, and play the full fooking song - I can't even find a full-length version of the bloody video.

Anyway, here’s the video in all its splendour. I have to say, as a proud father, I was hesitant to post a video showing Jon Bon cavorting all over the place with the world-renowned pug-ugly munter Cindy Crawford (complete in skimpy denim-shorts – urrggghhh) but, having checked it with Greeny, he’s reluctantly given it the go-ahead (so as not to upset the loyal blog readers (i.e. Hewis & Walton) or some such gubbins), so here it is. Enjoy, peace be with you and see you all soon. Your loyal chum, Gudni. x

 

 

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?

In the tower, Beardo’s glistening?

He’ll give you a fright, if you pass tonight; walking in a Beardsley wonderland.

 

Gone away, are the wee bairns

Shit themselves, and so did their friends.

They saw the hunchback, their pants filled with cack; walking in a Beardsley wonderland.

 

In the Reebok Todd will sign a legend, then tell him to sit out every match.

He’ll say Mr Todd are you a dickhead? As all the other kiddies sit and watch.

 

Later on, he’ll transpire, to escape, by the fire (escape)

He’ll refuse to play, the Colin Todd way,

Walking in a Beardsley wonderland.

Walking in a Beardsley wonderland.

Wallllkking, in a Beeearrrdsley wonderlannnnnddddd.

 

 

Martin Riggs (Gretar Steinsson) is a cop on the edge. Mourning the death of his beloved wife, he is standing at the very edge of the precipice. His monumental personal loss has contributed to the creation of a maverick (some would say damn-near suicidal) police officer, with scant regard for police protocol and procedure, to the extent that his colleagues universally refuse to be partnered with him. Working alone, and showing even greater psychotic tendencies due to the impending festive celebrations around him, Riggs is infiltrating a gang of very naughty men in a dodgy roadside development, masquerading as a Christmas Tree salesground. Riggs is sampling some of their less-than-legal fares, laid out on a dodgy table amongst the Norwegian Spruces:

 

(Riggs) Ok, so let's do it. How much?

(Naughty Villain) How much for how much?

(Riggs) For all of it.

(Naughty Villain No.1, to Naughty Villains Nos.2 & 3) You want it all? HE WANTS IT ALL ! Alllllrrrright! COngratulations!

(Riggs) Maybe a nice 6 footer to put it under, eh?

You want a tree? I'l tell you what - I'l give you the best tree I got for nothing. But the shit’s gonna cost you, ermm…100.

(Riggs) What? That much?

(Naughty Villain) Hey - you said you liked it. That's a fair price for a box full of Bolton Wanderers half-season tickets.

(Riggs) Yeah. Yeah – hell, you only live once. Let's get this together here. 

(Riggs reaches into his pocket, pulls out a huge wad of bundled notes and starts counting)

(Riggs) Ten…Twenty…Thirty…

(The naughty villains look at each other incredulously…)

(Riggs) Forty…Fifty…Sixty

(Naughty villain) Hey man.

(Riggs) Shut up man, I'm losing count.

(Naughty villain No.1) Forget it, you dumb shit. 100 pounds. Just 100 pounds.

(Riggs) 100 pounds straight? For 500 BWFC half-season tickets?

(Naughty villain No.1) Yeah. We can’t shift them anymore – who on earth do you think wants to buy this shit for any more than that?

(Riggs throws his police badge onto the table) Well look – I got a better idea. Let me say I take the whole stash off your hands for free and you assholes can go to jail.

(Villain No.1) Somebody shoot this prick…

 

 

 

Oh I do. I do, I do, I do, I do, I do. Don’t you? Don’t you too? Just imagine if it was Christmas every day? You’d get presents every day of your life? Quite how you’d buy them for others is a mystery as the shops would never be open, but never mind that. Perhaps Roy Wood envisaged opening his very own Christmas Day shop and creating the ultimate monopoly on Christmas gift retailing. Perhaps his was a fiendish plan to use Christmas as a means to become super rich. But he’d have been bolloxed, as no-one would be working if every day was Christmas Day, so no-one would have the money to spend on presents. Unless he was relying on nurses, policemen, firemen and members of the emergency services, to fund his megalomaniac ideas? Or perhaps I’m being a cynic, and dear old Woody simply loved Christmas, just like me.

 

Just think of the other benefits too. You’d eat a Christmas meal every day (assuming the local garage sold all the ingredients, as none of the supermarkets would be open). Christmas songs would play on VH1 all year round. The Snowman would be on TV every day of the year. You could have an afternoon siesta every day of the year. And Mingles would become a key element of the staple British diet! Jesus – it’s a no-brainer – it really should be Christmas every day. Enjoy the greatest Christmas song ever below (and I know Gretar picked it earlier in the month but Greeny can chuff off – I’m having it too…), taken from a special TV appearance at some point over the past 30 years (what a pension it’s turned out to be for old Woody). I’m off to lobby my local Festive Ombudsman – power to the people, we want Christmas every day! I’ll keep you posted on how I go on. Your excited bosom buddy, MT. x

 

 

Franck here with my lovely lovely song selection of Good King Wenceslas. I love songs which sound different to how they look (and Simba knows there are plenty of them in Bolton) and the allure of the word ‘Wenceslas’ gets me every time. Me and Mrs Passi have spent many an hour in front of the fire, drinking fine wine and debating the wondrous nature of the word ‘Wenceslas’. Plus another of my favourite pastimes is looking out on the Feast of Stephen. There’s so much going on at that time and, coincidentally enough, I always tend to buy my winter fuuuu-uuuuu-elll from a man on that date too. The hours simply fly by.

Anyway, time to go, otherwise you’ll be begging me to tell you interesting stories all night long. Besides, Mrs Passi is due her annual festive service. Good night and good luck and here’s hoping Santa brings you everything your heart desires. Your much-missed buddy. Franck. xxx

 

Hellllllooooo! JJ here stating, with much pride, that my favourite Christmas ditty is the marvellous Elton John hit ‘Step Into Christmas’. I don’t like to boast but JJ Jr likes to sing ‘Step Over Christmas’, in honour of his father’s trademark special-move and the mercurial skills which saw him light up the Reebok Stadium on many an occasion. They’re not my words by the way – my boy came up with them! I wouldn’t be so modest…

 

Elton and I are similar in many ways, now I come to think about it. He often plays concerts wearing a Nigeria replica shirt, we both spend a ridiculous amount of money each month on flowers and, like Elton, I do enjoy close ball control whilst nipping round the back of burly sportsmen and sliding one into the box. For those reasons alone, this is my very favourite Christmas tune. Enjoy, have a great Christmas and never forget the joyous times we shared. All my love always. J.J.

 

You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry

Ricky Gardner’s just hit a shot t’ward the sky

Santa Claus is coming to town.

 

And hopefully he’ll be fetching me some shooting boots! But hey – that’s just a cheeky little version of mah favourite Christmas song. Santa did come to Harbour Bay, Jamaica when I was a slip of a kid, wearing his fur lined red velour shorts and t-shirt, and dishing the gifts out Caribbean style to all us excited little kids. Not like here in Bolton, where Santa now wears a thermal vest, t-shirt, 2^nd t-shirt, sweater, body-warmer, parka and big furry suit. But every time it’s getting close to Christmas, I think of those lazy Jamaican Christmases. And when I think of lazy Jamaican Christmases I think of the top ditty ‘Santa Claus Is Coming To Town’. My favourite version is by Chaka Demus and Pliers, though, strangely enough, that isn’t on You Tube, so you’ll have to make do with the Boss' version instead. Take care and have a lovely, laid-back Christmas. RG. xxx

 

 

 

 

Haaaalllloooooo! Colin ‘Christmassy’ Hendry here with news of my favourite Christmas ditty. And what a tune it is too. Probably the most famous of all the Christmas songs, Jingle Bells is known across the 4 corners of the globe, and rightly so. I do prefer our version of it up here north of the border (Jingle Bells Whisky? Yes please, I’ll have a double to go with my cornflakes), though that gets more of an airing around Hogmanay, plus there’s very little video footage of it on that bumper bag of shite site ‘Yey Tube’. So here’s a clip of the regular version for you, played by mah favourite rockabilly revivalist, Brian Setzer. I’m off for a nip or two of the good stuff. Have a grand Christmas, an even better New Year and a boozy and prosperous 2009. Take care. C.H.

 

 

 

Hey, hey, hey! Calllllllmmmmm daaarrrrnnnn! Club captain and genial Scouse midfield man Kevin Nolan ‘ere, with news of my favourite Christmas ditty.

And now I’ve made an entrance with that stereotypical Scouse opening, I can resume normal service and speak using the finest Queen’s English. I was most delighted to be invited to contribute here by Mick, as I assumed (quite correctly, it would transpire) that none of my colleagues would select my favourite Christmas jingle. As something of a traditionalist, I really do savour the sentiment portrayed by Sir Cliff Richard’s Christmas songs. He really does delve a little deeper than the superficial imagery regularly proffered at this time of year, to bring the true meaning of Christmas to the forefront. And never has he done this more effectively than in the wonderful, awe-inspiring and inspirational lament, ‘Mistletoe & Wine’. The lyrics are profound. The melody caresses the earlobes. The imagery of Cliff swaying from side-to-side in the video is a touch of genius. How can anyone fail to be intoxicated by this most festive of tunes? Savour the moment in the video below. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for the support you’ve offered this season – it really is appreciated. I’m off to a training session now, so it’s time to adopt the cheeky Scouse persona once more – the lads would crucify me if they knew how I really spoke. It’s tough being an intelligent footballer nowadays – just ask Graeme Le Saux.

Until next time. God speed. Kevin Nolan. x

 

 

Harro! Akinori Nishizawa here! Harro! It is good to see you. Harro!

Mah favourite Crissmas sawng is the ruvvery Mel & Kim with Woking Awound The Crissmas Tree. I love it long time! It bring back memory of mah time with Bohton, which was much fun – like Crissmas party all year long! Wooooo-hooooo! Happy, smiling faces all the time – make Akinori very happy man! I miss you all velly much but am remembering the ruvvery times every time I hear this song. Enjoy, have a raw like sushi Christmas and have a velly, velly happy time. Sweet kisses of joy. Akinori. xxx

 

 

I sorry - I not speak English too well? But my nice Christmas carol is South Park. You knows – South Park? Cartoony people with singing poop? Make me laugh long. But Christmassy also. Good fun when Arnar clean toilet in local McDonalds. Miss England – wish back in Leicester. Start to cry now – must go. Bye-bye.

 

 

 

Hey-oop! Kevin Davies ‘ere, talkin’ abart my favourite Christmas tune. Nah then, as a Yorkshire lad born and bred, we don’t stand for any o’ that funny modern nonsense o’er in my neck o the woods. Just good old traditional songs. And that’s why my favourite Christmas tune is When The Red Red Robin (Comes Bob Bob Bobbin’ Along). This has got me int’ a few scrapes wi knuckle-draggers who said I’m showing an allegiance t’Man United with this choice. Well let me put you straight now – I’m not having it. You’re talking bollocks. It’s all down t’quality o tune, and this is a reet little belter. I’ll be belting it owt at t’Whites Christmas party this year, as per, and it’ll go down a storm, as per. ‘Ere it is in all it’s glory, should you wish t’do same. Enjoy, don’t eat t’many Mingles and see you all on’t 28^th for t’local derby again Wigan – it’ll be a reet ding-dong-do.

Love & hugs.

KD.

 

 

 

I like this ditty as Rudolph got me through some difficult times earlier in life. When I thought I had no-one to turn to, when life was at its lowest ebb, he showed me that it was actually a beautiful blessing to have a huge, monstrous, steaming great schnoz. The cock-nose jibes, the Pinocchio taunts, the vast queues of ski-jumpers wanting to use my hooter as a practice run – they didn’t bother me any more. Rudolph was my hero. When I felt that hope was gone, he gave me strength to carry on. I looked inside and I was strong, with the strength to carry on. And I finally saw the truth, that the hero laid in me…..ermmmm, and you. So enjoy this festive favourite and break out the Kleenex – there won’t be a dry eye in the house. I’ll be on next years ‘Pride of Britain’ awards at this rate…

Your proud mate, A.O’B (That’s Andy O’Brien by the way, not Any Other Business…).

 

 

Howay man! Cheeky Geordie chappy Peter Beardsley here, full of festive cheer! Now I nahs that my time with Bolton wasn’t shrouded in glory like, but that was Colin ‘tosspot’ Todd’s fault, not mine kidda. So it pleases me nah end when canny Bolton fans like Mick invite me back to contribute to first-class, awe-inspiring, world-changing ideas such as this……

Only kidding there! This is a reet shoddy idea, put together ahlmost as cheaply as those bag-of-toss Christmas presents he’s putting oot for the bairns like. But never mind – I’m here now, and he is slipping me a fiver, so I’ll have my say.

 

My favourite Christmas ditty is a recent one, but I love it so much ‘cos it harks back to the days of classic Christmas tunes. It is, of course, The Darkness and their magical hit ‘Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End)’. Now I nahs that any mention of bells is ganna get the Quasimodo gags going aboot again but I’m not bothered – I’m over that now. I nah I’ve got a bit of a hunchback like but hey – it could be worse. That’s where the comparison starts and ends. I divna live in Notre Dame. I divna live in the top of a bell tower. I divna love a lass called Esmerelda. And I’m not f*%k ugly. So it really doesn’t bother me – do your worse. But before that, take a few minutes to appreciate this belta of a song. Ahl the best hinny. Wor Peter.

 

 

 

Run Run David, your pace is there for all to see.

Run Run David, you look just like Jeanette Krankie.

 

Ah yes – during my halcyon days with the classic early-mid 90’s BWFC side, I used to imagine the fans singing this little festive ditty to me every December. That they never did wasn’t really a concern – I still imagined they would, and that was almost as heart-warming as actually hearing 20,000 people chant my name in perfect harmony. They mustn’t have been able to see me at the back – that’s the only reason I can think of. Anyway, hearing this song still takes me back to those lovely dreams of old. God bless rock & roll Christmas songs. In a perfect world all festive ditties would be based around 12-bar blues progressions, complete with blazing guitar solos, instead of all this saccharine-sweet dogshit that’s bandied about so often. So listen to a phenomenal guitarist named Philip Sayce rock the shit out of this song, spank your own plank (the 6-stringed variety of course) throughout December and have a great rock & roll Christmas! Your very own little festive elf, David ‘diddy’ Lee.

 

 

This might have been sung by Mud but there are sprinklings of gold-dust amongst this festive classic. It’s a tear-jerker, make no mistake, and always reminds me of the plight of the lesser spotted Finnish puffin. Not only does this fine bird have to put up with survival in the harshest of conditions, it now has to dodge serial slaughter-merchant and furrow-browed haggis-guzzler Gordon Ramsey coming over and cutting up it’s kind in the name of entertainment. The heaving great bastard. No wonder numbers are dwindling, especially at this time of year, when adult puffins are