Bolton Wanderers FC

Howdy! Apologies for missing a couple of weeks – I’ve been on a sabbatical up a hill in the Scottish Highlands, finding myself and rediscovering my zest for life. Well and truly refreshed, here’s my positive outlook themed musings from the past week or so.

* The most recent series of Harry Hill’s TV Burp has now ended? Don’t let him have a holiday – it should be on 52 weeks per year.

* I have it on good authority that the worlds leading politicians (including Barrack) spent their time in London last week watching Gordon Brown’s DVD box-set of Bottom, as they are bored shitless of trying to solve the world’s debt problems.

* For a much maligned player, that was a fine bit of play (and wholly unselfish too) from Boa Morte on Saturday. Well done fella.

* I’m going being a backing dancer for Mel B’s Vegas based Burlesque show. Aye karumba – she’s been working out lately. That’s a dream job, as long as she keeps her mouth shut…

* 100/1 winner in the National? Get the hell outta here…

* Guns don’t kill people – rappers do.

* Britain’s Got Talent returns to our screens next Saturday. Don’t tell anyone I told you but the following colleagues of mine have all auditioned:

          - Gretar Steinsson, doing a little tap-dancing

          - Fabrice Muamba, with his ventriloquist dummy ‘Bertie Hole’.

          - Andy O’Brien – no discernible act. He just wanted to see Kelly Brook. He was gutted that she was fired off after a couple of days.

          - Johan Elmander, with his knife-throwing act. Given his accuracy levels, his lovely assistant (Alfie Makakula) is shitting bricks…

Crayons ready? Eyes down for another full house of musings!

- I’m concerned at the Catflap situation. No communication? no weekly e-mags dropping in the e-mail box? Ali is wondering how many more of these columns he will get to write?

- It’s about time Colleen Nolan went out of Dancing On Ice. How she made it this far is beyond me (bloody Loose Women viewers…).

- The Apprentice is back next week. Wa-hey!

- Comic Relief wasn’t too bad this year. Wasn’t great, but wasn’t too bad…

- The 2 Liverpool results from last week? Holy shit – where did they come from? Impressive stuff.

- But Rafa is still a fat, arrogant, Spanish waiter.

- What’s the fuss about Lady Ga-Ga? I think she’s crap. So does Mrs Al-Habsi. She prefers a bit of Deep Purple.

- I’ve got my Michael Jackson tickets for the O2 concerts. So I’m going to sell them on E-Bay as the plastic freak-show exhibit isn’t going to make it through all those concerts. There’s more chance of Shola Ameobi being the top scorer in the 2010 World Cup.

Ho-ho! Comedy Ali here, full of fund-raising cheer! Here’s my musings from the past few days – keep on smiling!

Ali. x

- I’m wearing a clown outfit to training on Friday. Well – it is Comic Relief you know! Don’t tell him but I’m going to slap a custard pie into Meggo’s face too!

- Is it just me or is the new version of ‘Ant & Dec’s Saturday Takeaway’ a bit rubbish?

- Enoch & Alan won at the quiz last Thursday, on their own? I still don’t believe it…

- Roll on the new series of ‘The Apprentice’. Rumour has it that one of my BWFC colleagues (must be one who doesn’t play much?) will be taking part. My money’s on Mustapha Riga…

- My current karaoke tune – a bit of Bon Jovi, with some modified Ali lyrics: ‘Shot through the heart, and Jussi’s to blame. That is why, I’m not getting a game…’

- Just for Yatesy (the genial Liverpool blog-fella) – the forms have just been posted. The deed-poll name change should be happening soon…

- Just for Yatesy (the genial Liverpool blog-fella) – you’re right. Lucas is crap! But he still shouldn’t be booed.

- Just for Baz Tench (the genial Man City blog-fella) – another 3 Stooges fan! Marvellous – me and Mrs Al-Habsi watch their DVDs on a regular basis!

- Just for Northy (the genial Stoke blog-fella) – lend us James Beattie? Please…

- Just for Youngy (the genial Boro blog-fella) – lend us Marlon King? Please……. ermm – on second thoughts, don’t bother!

- Just for the rest of the blog-editors – Get bloody posting! Come on fellas – it’s fun!

- Paul Merson is still an arse.

And you find Ali in a quiet, reflective, fairly peaceful-of-mind mode today. Greetings!

What I’m aiming for now (pretty much, so I’m led to believe, in keeping with the new outlook of our esteemed blog editor) is quality over quantity. Proving a point to others by adding dull and meaningless posts isn’t what it’s all about and I’ll be attempting to make my posts either meaningful, insightful, thought-provoking or just downright surreal/slightly bonkers (but hopefully in a mildly amusing manner). Whilst the monthly awards are a nice added bonus, it’s primarily about the quality of the blog. That’s what counts and that’s what will make people read what you’re writing here. I put it down to the book Mrs Al-Habsi bought me at Tesco last week – ‘Be Yourself and Be Happy – Don’t Get Dragged Down By Others’, by Brian from Big Brother. It’s a reet good read! Peace and love. Ali. x

- Ali saw Al Murray live in Blackburn on Friday night. And I have to say, he was bloody hilarious. One of the best stand-ups I’ve seen in a long while.

- Kelly Clarkson has her first UK No.1? Good – I like a good female pop/rock vocalist and she’s one of the best out there.

- Though not quite as good as Pink, who Ali is going watching at the MEN in April. Great voice and a feisty mamma to boot. Hubba hubba.

- How the hell has Dec (of ‘Dec & Ant’ fame) pulled the delightful Georgie Thompson from Sky Sports News? Yes – I know I’ve mentioned it before but I just can’t figure it out. He’s batting well above his average there.

- I can’t believe Enoch Hewis didn’t get Vanilla Ice’s real name in the quiz last Thursday. I don’t know – Ali goes missing for one night to have a Wetherspoons curry and the team goes to shit…

- Ali is sick of paying Sky’s extortionate prices and seriously needs to look into what these Freesat boxes can do.

- I should get time to do that now as I’m out injured for a couple of weeks. I burnt my bollocks on the George Foreman grill the other day. It’s a long story – I’ll tell it some other time, when my knackers have healed…

Straight in today folks – lots to get through:

* The country is going to hell in a handcart. Huge automotive organisations wanting to utilise tax-payers money to fund risky strategies to get them out of the shit? We’re all doomed. DOOMED I TELL YOU…!

* Bet of the night at the Oscars was Mickey Rourke not to win the Best Actor award. I thought Frank Langella would win but I suppose it was nailed on that the stuffy old farts at the Academy would opt for a favourite of theirs in a role involving the old hot-potatoes of politics, historical fact and homosexuality. Just what the Academy like. We all know Mickey Rourke should have won. We all knew he wouldn’t win…

* The lovely Jessica in the Dancing-On-Ice skate-off? Are you all mad? For Christ’s sake…

* Good result for us on Saturday against West Ham, though someone broke into our dressing room during the first half. The only things to be stolen were my crayons, my poster magazine of ‘The Saturdays’, some milk and my latest copy of the Beano. The smart money is on Freddy Seares..

* Man United v Blackburn? A nailed on penalty…

* Man United v Blackburn? Despite him being my Fantasy Team captain, Ronaldo shouldn’t have been on the pitch when he knocked in that amazing free-kick.

* Bad tackle from my mate Kev yesterday, and he knew it. A deserved red card I’m afraid.

* Liverpool have bottled it big time. Rafa really has made himself out to be a bit of an arse since that rant against Fergie. The red-nosed haggis-muncher must be crying tears of laughter into his Glenfiddich on a daily basis…

* Way to go Danny Boyle. Good to see an honest, down-to-earth ‘local lad’ (born in Radcliffe…) tonking the snobs.

* The Brit Awards: Corden and Horne were about as funny as licking the sweat from John McCrirrick’s armpits. Absolutely awful.

Guten abend, meine freunds!

No - don't fret. That little message doesn't mean that I'm pissing off to join Bayern Munich - I'm only joshing you! Hohoho! I'll still be here for some time yet, sharing my musings with you. And, in a seamless link of the very highest order, here are this weeks observations...

* That lad's a father at the age of 13? What's his name - Benjamin Button? He doesn't look a day over 9 - I bet he still thinks his porridge pistol is for pissing out of. If he's the biological father I'm fooking Brad Pitt. Talk about a money making scam on behalf of the parents...

* How kind of Ant & Dec to give gobshites like Jonathan Wilkes, Richard Blackwood and Paris Hilton work. Still - saves us seeing them when we order our Big Macs and large fries at the drive-throughs...

* Uncle Wally can cook a mean lamb and chickpea stew. Very nice indeed, good sir...

* Ali's doing James and Oz's Yorkshire train-based beer crawl in a few months time. Marvellous stuff - hope it's on a Saturday when I'm not likely to be playing...

* Heather falling off the wall in Eastenders last week - I could feel the tremors back in Oman (though, I hasten to add, I don't watch such turgid shite - I merely tolerate it whilst Mrs Al-Habsi is glued to it night after night...)

* Micky Rourke - legend. Please win the best actor Oscar and keep going at Abi Titmuss - she'll surely crack in time...

* Even though I'm not a fan at all, it's a damned shame about Jade Goody. That is a terrible state of affairs.

* Jose v Fergie? Shit the bed - I can't wait for the next round of Champions League games to begin...

Straight in with them this week folks – I’m busy making a match-stick model of the HMS Victory – time is of the essence. At least we’ve got a week off now, so I should get it finished. Lots of love. Ali. x

* Scolari sacked? The game has officially gone mad. Abramovic no longer just looks like a village idiot – he’s starting to demonstrate the actions of a country bumpkin too.

* Todd Carty has gone? That’s an immediate loss of 1 million viewers for ITV…

* What is this white stuff you all call snow? Jesus – I’m heading back to Oman if this keeps up…

* Check out the red button on BBC-I. Elbow, live with the BBC Concert Orchestra – fantastic stuff.

* I found out this week that it’s nigh on impossible to scratch your balls whilst trying to rake out your snotter at the same time. Mrs Al-Habsi wasn’t too happy that I had this eureka-moment in the middle of the Trafford Centre…

* Tony Adams has lost his job. Caprice has lost hundreds of thousands on her property investments. Time to reconcile and wallow in each other’s melancholy in the finest way possible me thinks…

* Michael Phelps? The wholesome, all-American hero likes sampling a bong or two? Whatever next – Obama and Michelle in a home-made video getting creative with a tub of peanut butter whilst wearing Bill & Hilary Clinton masks? God bless America!

* Yet more evidence last weekend suggesting that Mike Riley isn’t fit to serve up the spuds in a school canteen. What a feckless, arrogant, useless, attention-seeking wasock he is.

* Don’t tell anyone where you saw this but I might get a go up front against West Ham next week. If they’re letting Makukula ply his trade up there, anyone’s got a chance. And Southampton thought they were bummed by Ali Dia, the practical joker who was supposedly ‘George Weah’s cousin’….

Well hello darlings. Ali here, trying to get these bloody crayons to work whilst wearing a thermal vest, 3 t-shirts, 4 sweaters and a pair of gloves. Here’s my musings from the past few days – enjoy and here’s hoping they give you something to ponder. Your old mucker. Ali-A. x

- It may be colder than a polar bear’s chuff but why does this country always come to a standstill when a few flakes of the white-stuff (and I’m not talking Colombian marching powder here) fall out of the sky?

- Good-bye and good luck to my old mate Kev ‘calmmmmm darrrrnn’ Nolan. All the best buddy.

- Gordon Ramsey’s swearing – why all the kerfuffle? You go to a chippy, you expect chips. You go to a pub, you expect beer. You go to a brothel, you expect a bit of jiggy-jiggy. You watch Gordon Ramsey, you expect the odd naughty word or 200. Get a life and watch something else, you whining f*&king bastards.

- Dec (of Ant & Dec fame) getting up close and personal with the delightful Georgie Thompson of Sky Sports News fame? The jammy little Geordie bugger…

- What a performance by Andy Murray in the Aussie Open. He’s no longer a Brit – he’s a bloody sweaty sock again now, the useless get.

- Please, please, please, please vote for Todd Carty in Dancing on Ice (plus a few votes for Jessica and Roxanne as savers for us totty-fans). The guy is an absolute comedy legend.

- Made a meal and through it up on Sunday, I, got a lot of things to learn

  Unless I go and try to kneecap Jussi, I’ll, just have to wait my turn…

- Mike Riley is as much use as a chocolate fooking teapot, or an arthritic donkey on Blackpool beach.  Nay, scrap that – he’s as much use as a mouldy fanny. What a feckless, self-centred gobshite of a man. Why doesn’t he do us all a favour and just piss off to Australia to undertake a bit of great-white sight-seeing/diving whilst wearing a wet-suit made entirely from raw meat. Preferably without the use of a cage…

- I have Frank Lampard in my fantasy league team…

Shit the bed, it’s cold back here in Blighty! It’s been cracking the flags in Oman – we’ve been cooking omelettes on the pavement, that’s how hot it’s been! Did I mention that we won the tournament? I did? Sorry folks – it’s easy done! Anyway, here’s my latest batch of musings. Keep warm and see you soon. Ali. x

- I suppose I’m going to have to get used to warming a bench again now. Bah humbug – why can’t Shiekh Yerbuti and Hellboy (Baz’s labeling – not mine) go for Jussi rather than Shay Given?

- Todd Carty? An ice dancer? HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

Howdy! Ali here, fresh from the Gulf Cup of Nations (more of which later on, if I can hold my excitement that long…). Won’t be long now before I’m back in blighty and, though I’ve actually been busy playing football for the past couple of weeks, I’ve still had time to do some musings for you. Take care and see you when Bolton next play a cup game (August 2009 then…). Your old bosom-buddy Ali. x

- We won the Gulf Cup of Nations! Without blowing my own trombone, yours truly was voted the best keeper in the tournament for a record fifth time, due to keeping 4 clean sheet in the competition. Having drawn 0-0 with the Saudis in the final, we won 6-5 on penalties to take the most prestigious trophy in international football! Happy days.

- I wish I could be in Washington today for Barack’s inauguration ceremony. It doesn’t really interest me but I have to admit to Mrs Obama being high on my list of ‘MILF’s I would but wouldn’t tell my mates about’. Don’t let Mrs Al-Habsi hear about that though…

- The new Countdown. Absolute toilet water, despite my old mate Jeff’s best efforts.

- Kelly Brook as a new judge on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’? Ding dong. Toot toot. Helllllooooo. Down boy.

- Oh no she isn’t. Damn, blast and bugger…

- Jessica Taylor on ‘Dancing On Ice’ or Michelle Heaton on ‘Celeb Big Brother’? The delectable Jessica every time for me…

- I’ve just realised – all this appreciating the intellectual qualities of delightful young ladies is making Ali look a bit of a perv. Time to resort to some high-brow, arty-farty type musings.

- I’ll bet a pound to a pinch of shit that Jonathon Ross does a knob gag on his return to BBC1 on Friday night.

- RIP Tony Hart. I used to watch the great man religiously when growing up in Oman as a kid. Wonderful, emotive memories.

- Though he never did show a picture I sent in to his Gallery segment many moons back. It took me 3 weeks to paint too, entitled ‘Jussi gets his legs broken by a mysterious foreign assailant with a baseball bat’.

Greetings from rainy Cleethorpes!

Only joking – I’m still in Oman, helping my national team to clean sheets galore, but I didn’t want to rub it in too much, what with all the sun we’re having over here whilst you, my loyal readers, freeze your knackers off in good old wintry Blighty! Anyway, before I plough into another Long Island Ice Tea, here’s my musings from the past few days. See you soon! Ali. x

* Interest rates down again? By jingo – can they reach negative percentages? That’s one to put to Evan Davies the next time you see him – I’d be interested to find out.

* I’ll avoid the painfully obvious quip about Kate Winslet and a couple of mighty fine golden globes and just ask why she went all Gwyneth Paltrow on us in her acceptance speech? You’re British love – thank a few people, make a gag or two, keep your cheeks dry and shuffle off the stage with dignity please.

* I was approached to be a guest on Jonathon Ross’ chat show when it returns to BBC1 in a couple of weeks but I turned it down. I’m washing my hair that night…

* My agent, who also represents Prince Harry, reckons our 3^rd-in-line-to-the-throne (the royal throne that is – not my en-suite crapper) has been offered the lead roles in remakes of 70’s sitcom ‘classics’ ‘Love Thy Neighbour’, ‘Curry and Chips’ (playing the Spike Milligan role) and ‘Mind Your Language’.

* A fine appointment by President-elect Mr O’Bama (fancy having an Irishman in the hotseat?) in making The Ultimate Warrior his international wrestling envoy. If that doesn’t bring peace to the middle-east, nothing will.

* Amanda Donohoe joining Emmerdale this week? Let’s hope she’ll be as footloose and fancy free as she was in the film Castaway, also starring the legendary piss pot, pork-swordsman and all-round hero otherwise known as Ollie Reed.

* Keep an eye out for Kevin Davies’ money-saving column, coming soon to a Catflap blog near you. It really is a veritable treasure trove of tip-top advice for these difficult times.

Greetings from sunny Oman! Sorry for rubbing it in my good friends though I’m led to believe it’s a tad nippy back in Bolton? So I’ll end the urine-extracting now (wouldn’t want to hack off all my good buddies now, would I???!!!) and press on with this week’s musings. Take care and see you all soon. Ali. X

- It’s lovely and sunny over here in Oman!

- Thanks to the boys for going out of the Cup so meekly at Sunderland at the weekend. That’s really chuffed up any hopes I had of getting first team action this season.

- I caught the Christmas special of Shooting Stars on the BBC I-Player. Nearly wet myself at George’s song (1942…I invented the shoe….).

- Congratulations to Alexandra Burke on nailing the Christmas number 1 and bollocks to everyone who thought Jeff Buckley should have been there instead. Yes, Jeff’s version is a wonderfully emotional version but there’s a time and a place – why didn’t his supporters lobby for it reaching No.1 at a time when it might actually have made it? Unfortunately, it pains me to say, Mrs Al-Habsi prefers the Cheeky Girls’ version of the tune…

- Don’t tell Mrs Al-Habsi but I’ve set the Sky+ box to record ‘Dancing on Ice’ whilst I’m away. Of course, it’s purely to be appreciative of the effort all the contestants are putting in, not just Emmerdale’s Roxanne Pallet…

- It’s hard finding a decent fry-up in Oman. What I’d do for a forkful of fried bread and sausage dipped in the juice of a few plum tomatoes…

- New ITV1 drama show Demons? Realistic? Cobblers. If Philip Glenister wants to see real evil at work, he should come and view Meggo on one of his rants when we’ve just been turned over by the likes of Wigan or Sunderland…

Hello! A festive festooned Ali here, with my latest musings. Enjoy, have a wonderful New Year and see you in 2009! Your old chum, Ali. x

- Happy New Year!

- I'm glad I was busy crayoning yesterday, rather than taking part in such a turgid game. What a bumper pile of arse biscuits!

- It's my birthday tomorrow! 27 years young. Here's hoping Mrs Al-Habsi gets me Eva Mendes, like I've asked her too.

- To celebrate, I've signed a new contract with the whites. It had to be done really - why would I want to go to Spurs and act as No.2 to Coco the clown?

- You're too full? But it's Christmas so what the hell? That's no excuse Greeny, you fat shit. Just eat a bit less and you won't sit there like Mr Creosote, you heaving great porker. Get on a diet in the New Year too, before you go the same way as John Candy.

- RIP Eartha Kitt. However, though it may no longer be too respectable to do so, I'm going to continue using your name as rhyming slang for a bloody good dump. I'm sure you'd appreciate the sentiment.

- Lloyd and Liz getting it on in Coronation Street? That really will put Mrs Al-Habsi off her mid-evening sausage roll. Urggghhhhh.

- The Gavin & Stacey Christmas Special was an over-rated pile of tosh. Very disappoining indeed.

- I'm looking forward to a typical New Years Eve, during which I spend a few hours pouring over the days newspapers and taking in the various reviews of the year. I'll have to see if I can get one of my team-mates to post a BWFC review of the year here? That would be nice...

-

Hello, my festive chums! Ali here and, firstly, please let me apologise for the column being a day late this week – Mrs Al-Habsi has had me out Christmas shopping so I’ve been rather busy. And what a week it’s been! So, without further ado, here’s my musings for the past few days. Peace, love and a reet boozy & proper Crimbo to all of you. Your very dear friend, Father Habsi-mas. xxx

- The economic crisis currently engulfing this country in a dark and sinister manner really isn’t very nice.

- Tamir Cohen obviously doesn’t watch much on TV other than comedy programmes.

- Having said that, the Harry Gary CaHill DVD is bloody hilarious.

- Tom Chambers? TOM CHAMBERS? He shouldn’t even have been in the final. It’s a bloody disgrace.

- Watching the music channels has convinced me that Bo Selecta’s Proper Crimbo is the finest festive tune ever. I can’t believe none of my team-mates have selected it so I’m showing the video here:

- Having seen Ruth from the X-Factor at the Royal Premiere of the new Dolph Lundgren movie Snails on a Plane this week (and yes, before you ask, I do get invited to such high-profile events), I’d like to know if she’s selling those puppies? If so, I’ll have the one with the pink nose. But don’t tell Mrs Al-Habsi….she’s got a canine allergy…

 ‘What’s this’, I hear you all cry? ‘This isn’t Ali’s normal column that we’ve all come to know and love? The Collective Torment of Ali Al-Habsi? What the blazes….?”

Well fear not, my little Al-Habsi-ettes. 2 columns this week – sort of a good-cop-bad-cop scenario. There is just one musing in this particular column and here is that particular vignette:

- What to do? The eternal torment I am currently experiencing is eating away at me. I am, of course, referring to the world famous Gulf Cup, which will be played in my home country of Oman next month. Having won the best goalkeeper award at the previous 3 tournaments (and there’s some serious competition for that particular accolade, let me tell you) I’m desperate to play. On the plus side, it’s representing my country, it’s being held in my home country and it’ll be in 40° heat rather than freezing my sweetbreads off in sunny Horwich. On the down side, I’ll miss the Cup game against Sunderland (which I’d be a shoe-in to get a start in) and the league games against Man United and Arsenal (where I’ve as much chance of playing as Janet Street-Porter has of being the next FHM cover girl). The gaffer could decide to stop me playing (the competition isn’t FIFA sanctioned, after all) but I’m sure he won’t. So I’ll pack my shades, flip-flops and Greenhalghs pies and head off to the sun. But don’t worry my little loves – I promise to keep you updated with some (no doubt) hilarious Oman observations!

Howdy! No need for introductions this week – let’s get straight into the musings! Your loyal buddy. AAH.

- A parsnip? A parsnip as the picture on my advent calendar this morning? What the hell is all that about? I’m going back to Lidl after training today and demanding my money back. There’ll be a fooking Teasmaid behind tomorrow’s door. What bollocks.

- If Austin Healy was still bald, he’d win this year’s ‘Strictly’ due to having a more aerodynamic bonce. More hair = less mobility. He’ll be regretting doing that piss-poor advertising campaign now.

- Chris Foy as BBC Sports Personality of the Year? Have the judging panel not been watching J Lloyd Samuel’s performances lately?

- That Beyonce is a proper pop star. Watch and learn, Britney, watch and learn.

- And those thighs could still crack walnuts. God bless ‘em….

- The congestion charge vote was a good outcome for me. I won’t have to pay now when my move to Man United materialises next summer. And it will happen – I can feel it in my bones.

- Christmas Radio Times! Christmas Radio Times! It doesn’t get any more exciting than that! I’ve already marked all my programmes out. Starting next Saturday.

- Harry Hill deserves a knighthood. He really does.

- Remember the plight of the poor and needy this Christmas. Us professional footballers certainly will as we polish our Rolexes whilst being chauffeured around in Rolls Royces, drinking the very finest of champagnes and wiping our arses on fifty quid notes.

- Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

  Take part in our Christmas sweepstake; guess when Ali will next play…..Oh!

  Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

  Oh what fun it is to set on a cold bench every game.

Hello muckers! Ali here, hoping that you are all keeping well. Despite prolonged bench warming periods I’m in quite a perky mood this week. Must be the build-up to Christmas that’s keeping Ali’s pecker up.  Oh – that and my marvelous award from my home country, (detailed below). So, without further Apu, here are my musings from the past few days. Take care, God speed and see you all next week.

Ali. xx

- I have (genuinely) received the equivalent of an Oman knighthood this week (the Omani Civil Order Class Four) for services to bench-warming and appearing in the best league in the world every now and again. Me and Mrs Al-Habsi celebrated by booking a mucky New Year weekend in Scarborough. I won’t be playing anyway, so Mrs Al-Habsi will ring in sick for me. Happy days!

- The Day The Earth Stood Still: Bolton 0 Everton 1. 2008. Terrible game. I wish an alien invasion had stopped that one in its tracks.

- Britney Spears ‘Womanizer’. Written about Dean Holdsworth and Ian Walker. And that’s a fact.

- Take That’s ‘Patience’. Written by my old mate Gary Barlow, just for me, to illustrate how he understands my frustration at sitting on my arse every Saturday. Thanks Gaz – see you over Christmas for canapés, champagne and charades.

- The Girls Aloud Party (Sat 13^th Dec 08). Me, Gavin McCann, Andy O’Brien and Tamir Cohen all have invites. The rest of the lads aren’t A-list enough to attend. So narr-narr-na-na-narr to all of them! Looking forward to the after-show party, particularly when I get to play naked Twister with Kimberley.

- Jason Donovan at Iceland? I’d have done that advert (and for free) just to get the opportunity to kick Kerry Katona up her annoying arse.

- Vorderman’s last Countdown on Friday. I’m getting the tissues ready, though not for mucky reasons, before you say anything (though I’m sure a certain Mr Hewis will be burping his worm furiously). It will be a real tear-jerker and I’ll be inconsolable at Villa Park come Saturday.

Hello, my fellow merchants of misery. Your old mucker Ali here, completely devoid of any festive, Decembery cheer I’m afraid. Our 4^th victory in 5 games on Saturday means I’m doomed to spending even more time on the bench and, let me tell you, at this time of year that’s a bloody cold bench and really increases the risk of coming down with the old bum-grapes. But never mind – the one crumb of comfort is it gives me plenty of time to sharpen the crayons and reflect on life in general. So here’s my musings from the past few days. Keep frowning and hopefully something will happen this week to put me in a better mood for next Monday.

Your old chum-in-need-of-a-big-winter-hug, Ali… xxx

- Peter Kay is a cheeky bastard for bringing out a DVD of rehashed bits of tat from years ago. He is quickly going down in my estimations.

- We’ve got Sunderland away in the FA Cup. Bollocks. At least I should get a game but they’ll probably get revenge for Saturday, meaning that it’s just one solitary game for me between now and the end of the season.

- What a start to the month. Christine out of Strictly. Ruth out of the X-Factor. Carly out of the jungle. Vorderman’s last countdown on Friday 12^th Dec. Fiona Phillips leaving the GMTV couch soon. I’m going to have to do some extra worm-burping over the next couple of weeks, before our small screen is taken over by pug-faced munters.

(And if Mrs Al-Habsi happens to be reading this, burping the worm is a technical term we use in training when goalkeepers practice free-kick positioning…)

- Roy Keane will be gone by next weekend. He’s growing that beard for his stint as Santa at the local British Legion Club – you mark Ali’s words…

- I was approached to be in that new M&S Christmas advert with Take That but couldn’t make it as I had to play in a reserve game at Doncaster. I’d have stolen the show anyway (except for Claude Makalele’s missus bounding down the stairs in her skimpies that is…)

Greetings, as my old mucker Joey Boswell used to say in the classic Scouse scally sitcom ‘Bread’ (which was very big in Oman, let me tell you). Ali here with another dose of high-brow offerings for you from my observation notebook. I’ve had the crayons out in full force this week as there’s been lots to comment on, so without further ado, here’s my musings from the past 7 days or so:

- ‘I’m A Celebrity…’ is a pile of tosh. Who on earth wants to watch a bunch of no-mark tosspots argue with each other and eat each other’s testicles? The only time I’d watch that is if they got Jussi Jaaskelainen in there and made him sleep in a coffin for a month with only rats and scorpions for company.

- Jeff Stelling for Countdown? Marvellous news. And I hope he lives up to his threat from Saturday to get world-famous gobshite Paul Merson into dictionary corner. Here’s a special conundrum of my own to get the eloquent Mr Merson into the swing of things, should he take the challenge:

FNANYFACE

- I’m chuffed to bits that Mrs Al-Habsi has got tickets for the forthcoming Leon Jackson tour. I’m a big fan of his work, especially the mid-late 80’s ‘Thriller’ & ‘Bad’ era and can’t wait to see him moon-walking across the stage. I think I’ll leave the kids at home though…- they prefer Janet to be honest with you.

- Morrisons’ ‘Buy 1 get 2 free’ offer on Pringles is a bit of a swizz, seeing as though their one tube is nearly 3 times as expensive as the same tube at Tescos. The cheeky bastards.

- John Sergeant. Who really gives a toss?

- Christmas time, mistletoe and wine. Children singing Christian rhyme.

  There’s logs on the fire, and gifts on the tree.

  Time to rejoice, with Ali Al-Habsi.

That’s it. Be good and ta-ta for now. Your old chum Ali.

Wa-hey! It’s your jovial, genial columnist Ali here once again. And I’m in a bloody spiffing mood this week, thanks to Jussi conceding a couple on Saturday. Don’t tell anyone about this (it’s our little secret) but I’ve been waiting for him to do that again, given his recent form. Now, hopefully, Meggo (or Max Branning from Eastenders as I prefer to call him) will see that I am the finest keeper in this delightful province and give me my chance against Boro on Saturday. It simply has to happen. Anyway, time will tell (and remember, mum’s the word…) but for now here’s the high-brow reflections on life I’ve scribbled down in my nice new Hannah Montana notebook over the past few days:

- I’ve never seen Denise Van Outen fondling cream horns in the Bolton Morrisons store, which is why I started shopping at Lidl. I’ve never seen Alan Hansen there either but I’m not really arsed about him to be honest with you.

- Where has all the English white dog shit gone? We still have it in Oman?

- Children In Need, whilst for a very, very worthy cause, is as dull as shit to watch. Might I suggest the BBC liven up next years event by getting Nicole Shwerzinger, Eva Mendes, Kate Garraway (guilty pleasure – sorry!) & Jessica Alba to have a bikini-clad tag-team wrestling match in a big vat full of vimto, tomato sauce and melted chocolate? Then I’d certainly donate a whole English pound.

- Why was Daniel voted out of the X-Factor? I though his distinctly average singing voice shouldn’t have detracted from the fact that his gut-wrenching sob-story should have seen him romp to victory.

- God bless America.

- God bless 18 bottles of Becks for £6.99 at Tesco.

- God bless Emily Maitlis every time she reads the BBC news, the intelligent-yet-still-exceedingly-saucy minx.

- It’s strong and it’s sudden and it can be cruel some times,

  But it might just change your life.

  That’s the power of love.

Peace and love.

AAH

Stuff and bollocks. I might as well pack my bags now following Saturday’s wonder-display from the Flying Finn. I’ve about as much chance of getting into the first team as Gavin McCann has of hitting Christmas No.1 with his new single; a drum-and-bass cover of the Cliff Richard classic ‘Saviour’s Day’. Anyway, here are my musings from the past week or so. Hugs and grumps to you all. Your old mate Ali.

- I have a huge bruise on my big toe from kicking the wall following Jussi’s wonder-save from Marlon King on Saturday.

- Laura White the worst act in the X-Factor this week? Absolute hogwash. The show is a fix and a joke. And if I ever see Louis Walsh in the flesh I am going to drown the sniveling little git in a pool of his own snot.

- The 1.5% reduction in interest rates doesn’t make much difference when you’re living out of a suitcase in the DeVere Whites Hotel. Though they do make a lovely cheesy-chip barm at three in the morning, should you get the early-morning munchies.

- The negative press surrounding Katherine Jenkins has to stop. She could come and piss on my kids for all I care - I’d still give her a fiver to fart in my hand. That’s how lovely she is.

- I couldn’t give a toss about the American presidential race. I’m more concerned about whether or not I’ll be able to continue to get my hands on Paul Newman’s lovely salad dressings now that the great man has gone. I’m not holding my breath though as he did make every single bottle of sauce with his own bare hands.

- It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it were Sunday. Cause that’s my fun day. When I don’t have to run day. It’s just another manic Monday.

- If a picture paints a thousand words, why can’t Paul Merson string a sentence together? That’s how thick he is – pictures are cleverer than that clueless, inept wazzock.