Bolton Wanderers FC

Hello! A festive festooned Ali here, with my latest musings. Enjoy, have a wonderful New Year and see you in 2009! Your old chum, Ali. x

- Happy New Year!

- I'm glad I was busy crayoning yesterday, rather than taking part in such a turgid game. What a bumper pile of arse biscuits!

- It's my birthday tomorrow! 27 years young. Here's hoping Mrs Al-Habsi gets me Eva Mendes, like I've asked her too.

- To celebrate, I've signed a new contract with the whites. It had to be done really - why would I want to go to Spurs and act as No.2 to Coco the clown?

- You're too full? But it's Christmas so what the hell? That's no excuse Greeny, you fat shit. Just eat a bit less and you won't sit there like Mr Creosote, you heaving great porker. Get on a diet in the New Year too, before you go the same way as John Candy.

- RIP Eartha Kitt. However, though it may no longer be too respectable to do so, I'm going to continue using your name as rhyming slang for a bloody good dump. I'm sure you'd appreciate the sentiment.

- Lloyd and Liz getting it on in Coronation Street? That really will put Mrs Al-Habsi off her mid-evening sausage roll. Urggghhhhh.

- The Gavin & Stacey Christmas Special was an over-rated pile of tosh. Very disappoining indeed.

- I'm looking forward to a typical New Years Eve, during which I spend a few hours pouring over the days newspapers and taking in the various reviews of the year. I'll have to see if I can get one of my team-mates to post a BWFC review of the year here? That would be nice...

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Hello, my festive chums! Ali here and, firstly, please let me apologise for the column being a day late this week – Mrs Al-Habsi has had me out Christmas shopping so I’ve been rather busy. And what a week it’s been! So, without further ado, here’s my musings for the past few days. Peace, love and a reet boozy & proper Crimbo to all of you. Your very dear friend, Father Habsi-mas. xxx

- The economic crisis currently engulfing this country in a dark and sinister manner really isn’t very nice.

- Tamir Cohen obviously doesn’t watch much on TV other than comedy programmes.

- Having said that, the Harry Gary CaHill DVD is bloody hilarious.

- Tom Chambers? TOM CHAMBERS? He shouldn’t even have been in the final. It’s a bloody disgrace.

- Watching the music channels has convinced me that Bo Selecta’s Proper Crimbo is the finest festive tune ever. I can’t believe none of my team-mates have selected it so I’m showing the video here:

- Having seen Ruth from the X-Factor at the Royal Premiere of the new Dolph Lundgren movie Snails on a Plane this week (and yes, before you ask, I do get invited to such high-profile events), I’d like to know if she’s selling those puppies? If so, I’ll have the one with the pink nose. But don’t tell Mrs Al-Habsi….she’s got a canine allergy…

 ‘What’s this’, I hear you all cry? ‘This isn’t Ali’s normal column that we’ve all come to know and love? The Collective Torment of Ali Al-Habsi? What the blazes….?”

Well fear not, my little Al-Habsi-ettes. 2 columns this week – sort of a good-cop-bad-cop scenario. There is just one musing in this particular column and here is that particular vignette:

- What to do? The eternal torment I am currently experiencing is eating away at me. I am, of course, referring to the world famous Gulf Cup, which will be played in my home country of Oman next month. Having won the best goalkeeper award at the previous 3 tournaments (and there’s some serious competition for that particular accolade, let me tell you) I’m desperate to play. On the plus side, it’s representing my country, it’s being held in my home country and it’ll be in 40° heat rather than freezing my sweetbreads off in sunny Horwich. On the down side, I’ll miss the Cup game against Sunderland (which I’d be a shoe-in to get a start in) and the league games against Man United and Arsenal (where I’ve as much chance of playing as Janet Street-Porter has of being the next FHM cover girl). The gaffer could decide to stop me playing (the competition isn’t FIFA sanctioned, after all) but I’m sure he won’t. So I’ll pack my shades, flip-flops and Greenhalghs pies and head off to the sun. But don’t worry my little loves – I promise to keep you updated with some (no doubt) hilarious Oman observations!

Howdy! No need for introductions this week – let’s get straight into the musings! Your loyal buddy. AAH.

- A parsnip? A parsnip as the picture on my advent calendar this morning? What the hell is all that about? I’m going back to Lidl after training today and demanding my money back. There’ll be a fooking Teasmaid behind tomorrow’s door. What bollocks.

- If Austin Healy was still bald, he’d win this year’s ‘Strictly’ due to having a more aerodynamic bonce. More hair = less mobility. He’ll be regretting doing that piss-poor advertising campaign now.

- Chris Foy as BBC Sports Personality of the Year? Have the judging panel not been watching J Lloyd Samuel’s performances lately?

- That Beyonce is a proper pop star. Watch and learn, Britney, watch and learn.

- And those thighs could still crack walnuts. God bless ‘em….

- The congestion charge vote was a good outcome for me. I won’t have to pay now when my move to Man United materialises next summer. And it will happen – I can feel it in my bones.

- Christmas Radio Times! Christmas Radio Times! It doesn’t get any more exciting than that! I’ve already marked all my programmes out. Starting next Saturday.

- Harry Hill deserves a knighthood. He really does.

- Remember the plight of the poor and needy this Christmas. Us professional footballers certainly will as we polish our Rolexes whilst being chauffeured around in Rolls Royces, drinking the very finest of champagnes and wiping our arses on fifty quid notes.

- Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

  Take part in our Christmas sweepstake; guess when Ali will next play…..Oh!

  Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

  Oh what fun it is to set on a cold bench every game.

Hello muckers! Ali here, hoping that you are all keeping well. Despite prolonged bench warming periods I’m in quite a perky mood this week. Must be the build-up to Christmas that’s keeping Ali’s pecker up.  Oh – that and my marvelous award from my home country, (detailed below). So, without further Apu, here are my musings from the past few days. Take care, God speed and see you all next week.

Ali. xx

- I have (genuinely) received the equivalent of an Oman knighthood this week (the Omani Civil Order Class Four) for services to bench-warming and appearing in the best league in the world every now and again. Me and Mrs Al-Habsi celebrated by booking a mucky New Year weekend in Scarborough. I won’t be playing anyway, so Mrs Al-Habsi will ring in sick for me. Happy days!

- The Day The Earth Stood Still: Bolton 0 Everton 1. 2008. Terrible game. I wish an alien invasion had stopped that one in its tracks.

- Britney Spears ‘Womanizer’. Written about Dean Holdsworth and Ian Walker. And that’s a fact.

- Take That’s ‘Patience’. Written by my old mate Gary Barlow, just for me, to illustrate how he understands my frustration at sitting on my arse every Saturday. Thanks Gaz – see you over Christmas for canapés, champagne and charades.

- The Girls Aloud Party (Sat 13^th Dec 08). Me, Gavin McCann, Andy O’Brien and Tamir Cohen all have invites. The rest of the lads aren’t A-list enough to attend. So narr-narr-na-na-narr to all of them! Looking forward to the after-show party, particularly when I get to play naked Twister with Kimberley.

- Jason Donovan at Iceland? I’d have done that advert (and for free) just to get the opportunity to kick Kerry Katona up her annoying arse.

- Vorderman’s last Countdown on Friday. I’m getting the tissues ready, though not for mucky reasons, before you say anything (though I’m sure a certain Mr Hewis will be burping his worm furiously). It will be a real tear-jerker and I’ll be inconsolable at Villa Park come Saturday.

Hello, my fellow merchants of misery. Your old mucker Ali here, completely devoid of any festive, Decembery cheer I’m afraid. Our 4^th victory in 5 games on Saturday means I’m doomed to spending even more time on the bench and, let me tell you, at this time of year that’s a bloody cold bench and really increases the risk of coming down with the old bum-grapes. But never mind – the one crumb of comfort is it gives me plenty of time to sharpen the crayons and reflect on life in general. So here’s my musings from the past few days. Keep frowning and hopefully something will happen this week to put me in a better mood for next Monday.

Your old chum-in-need-of-a-big-winter-hug, Ali… xxx

- Peter Kay is a cheeky bastard for bringing out a DVD of rehashed bits of tat from years ago. He is quickly going down in my estimations.

- We’ve got Sunderland away in the FA Cup. Bollocks. At least I should get a game but they’ll probably get revenge for Saturday, meaning that it’s just one solitary game for me between now and the end of the season.

- What a start to the month. Christine out of Strictly. Ruth out of the X-Factor. Carly out of the jungle. Vorderman’s last countdown on Friday 12^th Dec. Fiona Phillips leaving the GMTV couch soon. I’m going to have to do some extra worm-burping over the next couple of weeks, before our small screen is taken over by pug-faced munters.

(And if Mrs Al-Habsi happens to be reading this, burping the worm is a technical term we use in training when goalkeepers practice free-kick positioning…)

- Roy Keane will be gone by next weekend. He’s growing that beard for his stint as Santa at the local British Legion Club – you mark Ali’s words…

- I was approached to be in that new M&S Christmas advert with Take That but couldn’t make it as I had to play in a reserve game at Doncaster. I’d have stolen the show anyway (except for Claude Makalele’s missus bounding down the stairs in her skimpies that is…)

Greetings, as my old mucker Joey Boswell used to say in the classic Scouse scally sitcom ‘Bread’ (which was very big in Oman, let me tell you). Ali here with another dose of high-brow offerings for you from my observation notebook. I’ve had the crayons out in full force this week as there’s been lots to comment on, so without further ado, here’s my musings from the past 7 days or so:

- ‘I’m A Celebrity…’ is a pile of tosh. Who on earth wants to watch a bunch of no-mark tosspots argue with each other and eat each other’s testicles? The only time I’d watch that is if they got Jussi Jaaskelainen in there and made him sleep in a coffin for a month with only rats and scorpions for company.

- Jeff Stelling for Countdown? Marvellous news. And I hope he lives up to his threat from Saturday to get world-famous gobshite Paul Merson into dictionary corner. Here’s a special conundrum of my own to get the eloquent Mr Merson into the swing of things, should he take the challenge:

FNANYFACE

- I’m chuffed to bits that Mrs Al-Habsi has got tickets for the forthcoming Leon Jackson tour. I’m a big fan of his work, especially the mid-late 80’s ‘Thriller’ & ‘Bad’ era and can’t wait to see him moon-walking across the stage. I think I’ll leave the kids at home though…- they prefer Janet to be honest with you.

- Morrisons’ ‘Buy 1 get 2 free’ offer on Pringles is a bit of a swizz, seeing as though their one tube is nearly 3 times as expensive as the same tube at Tescos. The cheeky bastards.

- John Sergeant. Who really gives a toss?

- Christmas time, mistletoe and wine. Children singing Christian rhyme.

  There’s logs on the fire, and gifts on the tree.

  Time to rejoice, with Ali Al-Habsi.

That’s it. Be good and ta-ta for now. Your old chum Ali.

Wa-hey! It’s your jovial, genial columnist Ali here once again. And I’m in a bloody spiffing mood this week, thanks to Jussi conceding a couple on Saturday. Don’t tell anyone about this (it’s our little secret) but I’ve been waiting for him to do that again, given his recent form. Now, hopefully, Meggo (or Max Branning from Eastenders as I prefer to call him) will see that I am the finest keeper in this delightful province and give me my chance against Boro on Saturday. It simply has to happen. Anyway, time will tell (and remember, mum’s the word…) but for now here’s the high-brow reflections on life I’ve scribbled down in my nice new Hannah Montana notebook over the past few days:

- I’ve never seen Denise Van Outen fondling cream horns in the Bolton Morrisons store, which is why I started shopping at Lidl. I’ve never seen Alan Hansen there either but I’m not really arsed about him to be honest with you.

- Where has all the English white dog shit gone? We still have it in Oman?

- Children In Need, whilst for a very, very worthy cause, is as dull as shit to watch. Might I suggest the BBC liven up next years event by getting Nicole Shwerzinger, Eva Mendes, Kate Garraway (guilty pleasure – sorry!) & Jessica Alba to have a bikini-clad tag-team wrestling match in a big vat full of vimto, tomato sauce and melted chocolate? Then I’d certainly donate a whole English pound.

- Why was Daniel voted out of the X-Factor? I though his distinctly average singing voice shouldn’t have detracted from the fact that his gut-wrenching sob-story should have seen him romp to victory.

- God bless America.

- God bless 18 bottles of Becks for £6.99 at Tesco.

- God bless Emily Maitlis every time she reads the BBC news, the intelligent-yet-still-exceedingly-saucy minx.

- It’s strong and it’s sudden and it can be cruel some times,

  But it might just change your life.

  That’s the power of love.

Peace and love.

AAH

Stuff and bollocks. I might as well pack my bags now following Saturday’s wonder-display from the Flying Finn. I’ve about as much chance of getting into the first team as Gavin McCann has of hitting Christmas No.1 with his new single; a drum-and-bass cover of the Cliff Richard classic ‘Saviour’s Day’. Anyway, here are my musings from the past week or so. Hugs and grumps to you all. Your old mate Ali.

- I have a huge bruise on my big toe from kicking the wall following Jussi’s wonder-save from Marlon King on Saturday.

- Laura White the worst act in the X-Factor this week? Absolute hogwash. The show is a fix and a joke. And if I ever see Louis Walsh in the flesh I am going to drown the sniveling little git in a pool of his own snot.

- The 1.5% reduction in interest rates doesn’t make much difference when you’re living out of a suitcase in the DeVere Whites Hotel. Though they do make a lovely cheesy-chip barm at three in the morning, should you get the early-morning munchies.

- The negative press surrounding Katherine Jenkins has to stop. She could come and piss on my kids for all I care - I’d still give her a fiver to fart in my hand. That’s how lovely she is.

- I couldn’t give a toss about the American presidential race. I’m more concerned about whether or not I’ll be able to continue to get my hands on Paul Newman’s lovely salad dressings now that the great man has gone. I’m not holding my breath though as he did make every single bottle of sauce with his own bare hands.

- It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it were Sunday. Cause that’s my fun day. When I don’t have to run day. It’s just another manic Monday.

- If a picture paints a thousand words, why can’t Paul Merson string a sentence together? That’s how thick he is – pictures are cleverer than that clueless, inept wazzock.