Bolton Wanderers FC

Oh yesh - we're back! Just to give Enoch Hewis, Wally Walton and Northy some easy ammo for next weeks posts! Ignore the nags up at Liverpool and get on these beauties for some truly grand returns today...

4 Draws (4 x £1 trebles and a £1 accumulator - total outlay of a fiver):

Hull v Portsmouth, Derby v Burnley, QPR v Crystal Palace, Birmingham v Wolves

Yes – there’s a distinct odour around the betting column of late. And that odour is a steaming great pile of shit. So let’s make it a little more fragrant around these parts by listing a winning line that will carry spring-infused odours of apple orchards, daffodils and the collective sweat of Girls Aloud having just completed an arduous 2 hour show at the MEN Arena (and that’s a odour I’d love to savour….). Quite what our esteemed Stoke editor Northy’s tips will smell of, I’m not sure – have a look here and see what you think. Though I am tempted by his inclusion of draws in his line last week – a sure fire way of bumping up the odds. Hmmmmm….. 

Anyway, here you go with this weeks line, and it’s a slight change to last week. 4 games – 4 draws. Relatively small stakes x 5, so you’re betting on 4 trebles and 1 four-timer (so if your initial stake is £1, that’s a fiver in total). 3 draws and you get a return. 4 draws and you’ve got a good hangover come Monday morning…

Portsmouth v Everton

West Brom v Bolton

Plymouth v Burnley

Sheffield Wednesday v Swansea

Faster than a speeding tortoise! Stronger than a year old piece of Brie. Bigger than a gnat’s chuff! It’s the all-new super-powered betting column!

Tremble away Northy – prepare to be vanquished!

Laugh away Enoch Hewis – your snide asides will have to be used elsewhere this weekend! This is a bloody winner! 14/1 too!

As we’re entering the business end of the season, it’s time to make some serious corn. Starting now. Chocs away, tally-ho and let’s give the bastards a good scudding chaps!

Newcastle, Wolves, Leeds, Burton Albion, West Ham,

Hehehe! In recognition of my sterling tips, Northy the Stoke blogger has stepped up to the oche to commence a betting face-off! See Northy's tips here , along with one hell of a clip too.

Anyway, now the battle lines have been drawn, I have to respond. So here's where I start taking it seriously (!!!) and provide you with a peach of a winning midweek line. This pays a walloping 13/2 and, in true Northy style, is accompanied by a marvellous musical video by a massively underrated artist to boot. We'll all be living the life of riley when this little beauty brings home the bacon! Good luck and let battle commence!

Barcelona, Man City, Sheffield United, Reading & Brentford

Yet more shite. Surely there'll be another winning line before the end of the season...??? This one pays 28/1...

Chelsea, Spurs, Birmingham, Leicester, Barcelona, Arsenal & Everton,

More losers for you to laugh at. Bah frigging humbug. These return at 9/2.

Chelsea, Arsenal, Man United & Leicester

And there's more (to quote the comedian Enoch probably stole all these from)...

A sad day for me, my last Countdown, though I'm hoping to make a few pounds in the future by following your tips. (And then betting against them)
PS. Des says 'Dick A Dum Dum' I don't know whether he was plugging his Greatest Hits or making a comment.  Carol Vorderman

I've recently bought a bookmakers in Weatherfield, with your help and a few mugs backing your tips I can put my boy Simon through Eton. Keep 'em coming.
PS. Don't tell Blanche, she's got 10p. on 'em.  Peter Barlow, Coronation Street

Dere mistur grene,my dady sed I shud rite yoo a letur cos yoo ave pade for miy new skool an is new kar. Grate Grani Blanche is not veri pleesd she sez yoo ar veri krule givin sili tips to poor old penshuners, miy Grandad Ken toled er she shudn't ewse wurds like wot she did in frunt of me.  Simon Barlow, Coronation Street

I'm getting the word 'Numpty'  Clinton Baptiste

Dear Sir, you are to betting what I am to dancing. (Though I'm more popular)  John Sergeant

I've more hope of seeing Upsydaisey's Tittyfers than your bets coming in ...  Iggle Piggle  (Though this could be Uncle Wally's...???)

I'm thinking of re recording one of my hits, what do you think?

Greenfinger
He's the man, the man with the hopeless touch
A wide boy's touch
Such an old minger
with bets that will never win
So don't go in

Golden tips he will pour in your ear
But his tips can't disguise what you fear
For a wise punter knows when he's picked 'em
It's the kiss of death ...

From Mister Greenfinger
Pretty girl, beware of his bets so bold
His bets are cold   Shirley Bassey

Quote - 'Well, if Peter Kay can put a minimum amount of effort into making a 2 hour show and 2 singles without raising a single bloody laugh'

So you don't want to carry on as my stunt double?  Peter Kay

F***ing D******d!!!   Roy Chubby Brown

And they call me a fraud!  Derek Acorah

Ladbrokes staff are being issued with double strength Pampers!  Baldylocks

Here's some of the 'highlights' from Enoch's little snipes at me via the betting column. Some of these, admittedly, do make me chuckle. Which means he must be employing a ghost-writer...

Morlocks are a fictional species created by me, H. G. Wells for my 1895 novel, The Time Machine. And after those tips you should be kicked in 'em. H.G.Wells

Have you seen my new movie 'The Curious Bets Of Benjamin Butthole'? Brad's Brother (Cess)

SIDWELL ?!!
A name not too dis-simialr to my own ... but he'll never score.

Get a couple of quid on Jossy's Giants this weekend at 90/1 & you'll be quids in !

"ONEHUNDREDANDEIGHTY" quid in fact !!!!!!!! Sid Wadell

Young man, as I’m now in charge of the betting shop, (don’t tell that young Battersby tart though, she thinks she is), you can forget that price. Especially after the recent comments you made about one of my TV favourites, Bella Emberg,
PS. Have you seen her on the PIP website* ?



* Pensioners I’d Poke.com  Blanche Hunt, Coronation Street

Mick's Marvels - The Betting Tips You Never Saw

New Countdown maths expert - Gordon Brown
Lakeside W.P. Darts winner - Stevie Wonder
New Dr.Who - Harold Shipman

William Hill

Humph. My time-machine is working properly now, as you will agree come 6.00 tomorrow evening...

Hull v Blackburn: Santa Cruz 1st Goalscorer: 6/1

Bolton v Newcastle: Over 2.5 goals. Evens

Bolton v Newcastle: Matt Taylor to score at any time: 3/1

Bolton v Newcastle: Obafemi Martins to score at any time: 23/10

Villa v Stoke: Gareth Barry to score at any time: 7/2

Man United v Spurs: Danny Wellbeck 1st Goalscorer: 11/2

It's a sodding winner! I don't believe it! Lump on - I've bought a time machine today and this little bastard is romping home at a huge 40/1. Fill your bloody boots!

Everton, Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Aston Villa, Bristol City, Reading, Swansea, Wolves

Some more tasty flutters for this weekend. Everyone's a winner with these!

Arsenal v Fulham. Arshavin to score first. 5/1

Everton v West Brom. Under 2.5 goals. 4/5.

                              Marouane Fellaini to score first. 13/2

West Ham v Man City. Bellamy to score at any time. 2/1.

Pooh-shoots. Arse-biscuits. Bumper bag of bollox.

A wiseman once said, never bet on the Champions League knock-out stages – far too unpredictable. Hmmmm – I was going to predict Porto 0 Bayern 5 too….

At least the Catflap tipsters got the Inter v Man United correct score right. Well done fellas.

CatflapWinner

Ok - so only the acca went down tonight (and Ballack and Higuain will obviously bring home the bacon tomorrow night) but here's some tasty correct score forecasts for Wednesday's 4 Champions League games. Odds courtesy of the Oirish bookies who sponsor Sunderland and share their name with a big spot that you get on your bum:

Chelsea 2 Juventus 0 (13/2)

Real Madrid 1 Liverpool 0 (11/2)

Sporting Lisbon 1 Bayern Munich 2 (8/1)

Villereal 3 Panathinaikos 1 (12/1)

What a feast of European football this week. This little accumulator returns at 20/1:

Atheltico Madrid, Barcelona, Chelsea, Real Madrid, Man City

Ballack looks good value at 8/1 for the first goal in the Chelsea v Juve game, as does Higuain at 5/1 in the Real Madrid v Liverpool game (a Higuain 1st goal and Real 1-0 scorecast also looks tidy at 22/1...).

Interesting - here's the relegation odds (best available and seem to have been updated following tonight's result) for the bottom half of the table teams, plus their remaining fixtures. Who is your money on???

20: West Brom (22 points): 1/4

Everton (A), Arsenal (H), West Ham (A), Bolton (H), Stoke (H), Portsmouth (A), Man City (A), Sunderland (H), Spurs (A), Wigan (H), Liverpool (H), Blackburn (A)

19: Middlesbrough (23 points): 5/4

Liverpool (H), Spurs (A), Portsmouth (H), Stoke (A), Bolton (A), Hull (H), Fulham (H), Arsenal (A), Man United (H), Newcastle (A), Aston Villa (H), West Ham (A)

18. Blackburn (23 points): 4/1

Hull (A), Everton (H), Fulham (A), Arsenal (A), West Ham (H), Spurs (H), Liverpool (A), Stoke (A), Wigan (H), Man City (A), Portsmouth (H), Chelsea (A), West Brom (H)

17. Stoke (25 points): 8/13

Aston Villa (A), Bolton (H), Everton (A), Middlesbrough (H), West Brom (A), Newcastle (H), Blackburn (H), Fulham (A), West Ham (H), Hull (A), Wigan (H), Arsenal (A),

16. Portsmouth (28 points): 7/2

Chelsea (H), Middlesbrough (A), Everton (H), Hull (A), West Brom (H), Bolton (H), Man United (A), Newcastle (A), Arsenal (H), Blackburn (A), Sunderland (H), Wigan (A)

15. Newcastle (28 points): 7/2

Bolton (A), Man United (H), Hull (A), Arsenal (H), Chelsea (H), Stoke (A), Spurs (A), Portsmouth (H), Liverpool (A), Middlesbrough (H), Fulham (H), Aston Villa (A)

14. Spurs (28 points): 16/1

Middlesbrough (H), Sunderland (A), Aston Villa (A), Chelsea (H), Blackburn (A), West Ham (H), Newcastle (H), Man United (A), West Brom (H), Everton (A), Man City (H), Liverpool (A)

13. Hull (29 points): 3/1

Blackburn (H), Fulham (A), Newcastle (H), Wigan (A), Portsmouth (H), Middlesbrough (A), Sunderland (A), Liverpool (H), Aston Villa (A), Stoke (H), Bolton (A), Man United (H)

12. Bolton (30 points): 9/1

Newcastle (H), Stoke (A), Fulham (H), West Brom (A), Middlesbrough (H), Chelsea (A), Portsmouth (A), Aston Villa (H), Wigan (A), Sunderland (H), Hull (H), Man City (A)

11. Sunderland (31 points): 10/1

Liverpool (A), Spurs (H), Wigan (H), Man City (A), West Ham (A), Man United (H), Hull (H), West Brom (A), Everton (H), Bolton (A), Portsmouth (A), Chelsea (H)

Short and sweet. This one's a winner - pile in. Returns at 11/1.

Arsenal, Man United, Swansea, Wolves, Barcelona & Alkmaar

And, with depressing inevitability, another Saturday brings another desperately piss-poor set of selections for you all to laugh at. Returning at a mammoth 37/1, these are as doomed to failure as Joaquin Phoenix's rapping career, Stephen Hawkins' stab at pop superstardom and Ebi Smolarek's Bolton career....

Blackburn, Chelsea, Man United, Birmingham, Bristol City, Preston, Leicester & MK Dons

I'm sick of betting on football (until this coming Saturday, at least) so here's my latest 'pissing-in-the-wind' attempt at winning some spondoolies. Watch this one come in, just to make me look the inept wassock I so obviously am...

Dancing on Ice: Ray Quinn to win outright (1/2)

Dancing on Ice: Next eviction (15th Feb) - Ellery Hanley (Evs)

Oscars 2009 - Best Actor: Frank Langella (9/1)

Brit Awards 2009 - Best Album: Elbow - The Seldom Seen Kid (11/4)

Bollocks - I've just typed all this, clicked on the on-line betting slip and it won't let me do this as an accumulator (singles only, which I'm not really interested in). Would have returned a nice £113 for a £1 stake. Let's see what would have happened... 

It’s no longer titled ‘The Betting Column’. I’m getting twitchy now as my recent tips have been about as successful as Rik Waller’s gastric band. So these buggers simply have to come in this weekend; otherwise my daughter won’t have any shoes on her feet or food on the table. This lot return at an unlikely 35/1. Fingers, toes and genitalia crossed that they bring home the streaky stuff…

Man City, Blackburn v Villa (draw), Chelsea, Man United, Wolves, Reading, Swansea,

In a desperate attempt to recoup yesterdays losses (how the hell did Villa not get 3 points against Wigan?), here's a Sunday special betting column.

Given my affiliation to NUFC, it pains me to say that, having seen the starting line-ups, Sunderland look a great bet to inflict more misery on us (there's no room for sentiment when it comes to betting...). I also fancy Raving Mad Rafa to get back on track today by fielding a strong line-up and beating Chelsea. Recommended bets are:

Sunderland (15/8)

Kenwyne Jones to score first (6/1)

Liverpool (6/4)

Sunderland & Liverpool double (6/1)

Muppets.

That's the professional footballers who I've used my hard-earned to back all this season. Well no more muppeting around these parts - only cast iron winners this week. In a shameless rip-off of the types of bets Catflap are posting now-a-days, I'm posting my usual accumulator plus a few value-flutters to cast your eyes over this weekend. They'll all come in - my luck has to change sometime soon...

Aston Villa, Hull, Man United, Liverpool, Wolves (Returns at 18/1)

Stoke v Man City: Matthew Etherington to score first and, as a separate bet, at any time (18/1 & 6/1)

Steve Sidwell to score 1st and Villa to beat Wigan 2-0 (40/1)

Hull v West Brom: Jimmy Bullard to score 1st (11/1)

Bloody stupid FA Cup games. Why didn’t I just have a single on the one Catflap tip which I also fancied (Swansea to beat Pompey at 7/2)? Never mind – back to the serious competitions (and it pains me to dismiss the FA Cup so easily, but that’s the sorry state of that competition these days) and here’s the midweek betting line, returning at a nice 18/1. Surely one of these has to come up soon? Doesn’t it???? Fook off Hewis – I’m not asking you….

Chelsea, Man United, Aston Villa, Leicester, MK Dons, Peterborough, Darlington

A bet with 8 teams? Yes - it's outlandish. Yes - it contains some obvious FA Cup picks, Yes - I'm dipping into non-league territory (more perilous than tickling your plums with nettles). Yes - it's not as ballsy as the Catflap picks for this week (CATFLAP_BETS) Yes - it pays a paltry 22/1. So steam in! Good luck folks...

West Ham, Chelsea, Villa, Fulham, Man Utd, Leicester, Burton, Mansfield

Firstly, an admission. After last week, there is more chance of Pope (Dirk) Benedict starring in a porno movie than there is of Leeds appearing in another of these bets. The useless Yorkshire bastards have let this column down every time they’ve been selected this season – well no more. Only solid gold, 100% tips from now on in, starting with these lovelies which return at a tidy 15/1. Good night and good luck.

Man United, Chelsea, Man City, Spurs, Liverpool & Bradford

This is difficult this weekend (some might say it has been difficult every weekend, given the performance of these tips, but such folly won’t be entertained here…). However, the following line is the tip, though a small stake is suggested (have you still got any half pence coins knocking about), with these returning at 9/1. Good luck to one and all and let’s wallow in the warm glow of a winning recent tip – Phil Taylor for the darts! That one took real expertise to predict and won’t exactly pay the mortgage off at an odds-on price but hey – it’s a winner none-the-less.

Aston Villa, QPR, Wolves, Leeds & Leicester

Time to get serious now. I usually advise against FA Cup bets as shocks happen all the time. However, a small stake will retain an extra interest in this weekends events and, as we're now focussed on winning money (rather than landing the big odds), this lot return at 5/1. Good luck and here's hoping Blanche will be having a celebratory Pernod or 5 come late Monday evening...

Spurs, Arsenal, Chelsea, Middlesbrough, Aston Villa, Man United & Blackburn.

The last bet of the year and it's a winner for my favourite old buzzard, Blanche. Lump on flower - this'll return at a handsome 7/1. Last game is on the 30th, so just in time to keep you in Port and pizza all through New Years Eve...

Chelsea, Man United, Aston Villa & Wolves.

No if, not buts, just the choicest punts! This is the penultimate of my 2008 ‘dickabout’ betting tips before the serious stuff starts in 2009. This little lot return at a very sexy 16/1. Good luck and merry Christmas!

Man United, Chelsea, Portsmouth, Aston Villa & Swansea

Wa-hey! The world’s finest spectator sport is back and is bigger & better than ever. From a betting perspective, let’s surprise everyone and get behind Phil Taylor, even at a paltry 1/2. He wants that title back and, if in the right frame of mind, will take some stopping. James Wade also looks good at 7/2 in the betting without Phil Taylor. Also, let’s take a moment or two to appreciate some magical quotes from a wordsmith of the very highest order – the legendary Sid Waddell. Surely it’s only a matter of time before Waddell and that other Shakespeare of sports commentary, Stuart Hall, join forces in a literary explosion of verbal sparring. Fingers crossed. In the meantime, here’s the best of Sid’s little gems:

 

Bristow reasons . . . Bristow quickens ... Aaah, Bristow.

Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete.

That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!

He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed.

Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a waterbuffalo with a pea-shooter.

The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in with a portion of chips, you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them.

Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy.

His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch.

As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here.

 

This lad has more checkouts than Tescos.

 

There's only one word for that - magic darts!

 

Keith Deller's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy!

 

I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the Snap, Crackle and Pop outta Bristow.

 

Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles.

 

Steve Beaton - The adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax.

 

If you're round your auntie's tonight, tell her to stop making the cookie's and come thru to the living room and watch these two amazing athletes beat the proverbial house out of each other.

 

When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer..... Bristow's only 27.

 

If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home.

 

They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor. They'll have to play outta their essence!

 

Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength.

 

There's no one quicker than these two tungsten tossers...

 

Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George is like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

 

Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!

 

Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!

 

Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis

And now, after many months of leg-pulling and less-than-serious tipping, here is my festive gift to you all. This is a winner. Bonafide. No doubt about it. Yes sirree. This little lot return at a delightful 15/1 and should not be missed. Go on – give that bookie a festive spanking and make it a holiday to remember. See the soon to be added special bets column for (rather obvious) tipping info on the darts and for some of the best quotes from the legend that is Sid Waddell.

Chelsea, Derby, Wolves, Oldham, Bradford

But they won’t be singing once this little belter of a line comes up. Despite the eternal disappointment of a last minute Stoke goal making a real chuff up of Saturdays picks, it is with renewed optimism that I’ll be going one better with this list of victors. Returning at a handsome 15/1, I doubt the New Year retreat in Bridlington will be on hold for too long. Break out the sherry Blanche – this one is romping home!

Man City, Burnley, Reading, Wolves, Leeds & Chelsea

These will definitely bring home the festive bacon. I'm sure of it. I'm convinced of it. I'm that certain I've already booked a New Year's break in Bridlington off the back of my projected winnings from this bet. This line returns at a highly agreeable 43/1. Good luck one and all!

Hull, Newcastle (sorry Northy!), Man United, Aston Villa, Reading & Birmingham

....Stan James nipping at your nose.

Children laughing at Uncle Greeny's tips,

Yet another loser adds to his woes.

But not this week, kiddies. This one is going to come up trumps (at a whopping 40/1) just in time to buy copious amounts of cheap Christmas alcohol and chocolate oranges.

Good night and good luck!

Spurs, Chelsea, Plymouth, Reading, Carlisle, Leicester & Leeds

Just in time for Christmas, this little lot returns at a tidy 21/1. Fingers crossed...

Chelsea, Liverpool, Tottenham, Sunderland, Preston, Reading & Wolves