Bolton Wanderers FC

Well hellllllllooooo! James Phillips here, ready to kick-start my column good and proper, following the hastily knocked-up intro column a few weeks ago now. And what better time to return than during Oscars week, which reminded me of all my film-making escapades of yesteryear.

This particular yarn occurred whilst filming the bawdy comedy ‘Don’t Go Down The Pit Dad, You’ve Got Enough Slack In Your Pants’ in Blackpool back in 1949. I was only a young pup then and played the pit-lacky, with the legendary Terry Thomas playing ‘Dad’. Filming was nearing completion but we had a night off and decided to take in an end-of-pier magic show by renowned magician Marty Mystique. To cut a long story short, Marty needed a watch as part of his act. Terry, being Terry, leaped up and offered his jewel-encrusted piece. Marty put it into a handkerchief and smashed it to pieces with a hammer – Terry’s face was a picture. Marty then told Terry not to worry, poured the contents into a cylinder, shook it up and asked Terry to tip it upside down onto a table. Expecting to see a fully restored watch, Terry could have cried when a million tiny pieces dropped out. This time, Marty’s face was a picture – the trick had gone horribly wrong! Hastily covering his tracks, Marty ushered Terry off stage, telling him he’d take him for a pizza after the show to make up.

Well, the show finished and Terry took me along too. The 3 of us ordered our food and Marty was full of apologies. Well – the pizzas arrived and Marty insisted in cutting them up. He took Terry’s pizza and made a big song-and-a-dance of slicing it up. He took the slicer, carved into Terry’s pizza and we couldn’t believe our eyes – can you guess what was there???

That’s right – ham, pepperoni, spicy beef, cheese, tomato and oregano!

Hahaha! Did I have you there? You were expecting me to say the watch, weren’t you? Well you’re wrong! Marty did indeed make a big dog’s cock of the trick and Terry lost his watch forever. But the pizzas were stupendous and we laughed the night away in a brandy-influenced haze! Oh, happy days.

In my next column – how I inadvertently helped Pickles the dog find the World Cup. Ta-ta for now! Jimmy. x

Good day! Jimmy Phillips here – Bolton legend, bon-vivant and raconteur (of the anecdotal wordsmith sense you understand – I’d be a little miffed if I were to inadvertently mislead all the loyal Catflap readers into thinking I’m a member of Jack Black’s really rather marvelous side-project). Having discovered the elixir of life as a teenager, it may come as a shock to many of you that I was actually 62 when I commenced my Bolton career back in 1983. In a manner comparable to the dark tale of Dorian Gray, my body has actually got younger over the years, meaning I could forge a successful football career at an age when most people begin sucking Werthers, listening to Daniel O’Donnell records and shuffling round supermarkets complaining about the price of lamb’s liver and Soreen now-a-days.

Football was the latest career I turned my hand to though, I have to admit, I took on (and mastered) a number of careers in those 62 years BF (before footy). My most enjoyable and rewarding time was spent as a jobbing actor during the golden age of movies in the 40’s, 50’s & 60’s. Working with many of the greats (without wishing to knowingly namedrop, the list includes the likes of Olivier, Gielgud, Gable, Hudson, Brando, Douglas (Kirk that is, not his jowl-cheeked-yet-jammy-for-cavorting-with-Catherine-Zeta-Jones son), Curtis, Monroe, Loren, Abbott & Costello), this was a passionate, fruitful and fulfilling time. Of course, I turned my hand to many other pursuits in the interim years (including psychologist, vet, chemist, gynecologist and kebab house owner) but it’s the acting which still lights a fire under my giblets. In a desperate bid to inject a modicum of class, panache and bonhomie to this basest of blogs, Mick Green has approached me to pen a semi-regular column based upon my experiences (thankfully there’s a gap in the market now that Peter Ustinov, God rest his soul, has shuffled off this mortal coil). Of course, I will be honoured to oblige and am working on my first post as we speak. Watch this space! Keep the faith. Jimmy. x