The Scene:
Bolton, 932 AD. King Megson, son of Uther BigSamDragon, King of all Boltonians, Sovereign of all Lancashire, is recruiting a band of knights to join him in the battlegrounds of Premalot. He’s not getting very far. With lone servant Chrissy, he passes through a typically disease-ridden, mud-caked village, preceded by the Dead Collector (Phil Gartside) doing his rounds, collecting corpses at ninepence a go. A large man (from Benfica) attempts to get a not-quite-dead body taken away…
Dead Collector: (Trudging through a plague-stricken village behind a wooden cart piled high with corpses and pulled by a trio of emaciated, sackcloth-wearing wretches: he bangs a large triangle with a club)
Bring out your dead!
(Among the depraved sights in the village, we see an old crone beating a cat against the wall of her house. A couple wrestle in the mire. One old man seems to be climbing into a shopping basket in readiness for the Dead Collector).
Dead Collector: Bring out your dead! (A man dumps a corpse on the cart).
Nine-pence. (He pays up and walks away).
Bring out your dead!
Large Man (from Benfica): (Carrying an aged body over his shoulder). Here’s one.
Dead Collector: Nine-pence.
Ariza Makukula: I’m not dead.
Dead Collector: What?
Large Man (From Benfica): Nothing. There’s your nine-pence.
Body: I’m not dead.
Dead Collector: ‘Ere. He says he’s not dead.
Large Man (From Benfica): Yes he is.
Body: I’m not dead.
Dead Collector: He isn't?
Large Man (From Benfica): Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
Body: I’m bloody-well not. I’m looking for a new club, where I can demonstrate my immense mobility, fitness and sharpness in front of goal. Does that sound like someone who’s brown-bread to you?
Dead Collector: See – you lying bastard! I’m not taking him.
Large Man (From Benfica): Come on, you lousy shithouse – have a heart! We can’t fooking give him away. He could come good for you?
Dead Collector: Ok – you’ve convinced me with your sob-story. I’ll tell you what – given your troubles, I’ll give you a few hundred thousand just to take him off your hands. Only until May though – no longer than that.
Large Man (From Benfica) – Looking away and saying slyly to the camera: Christ on a bloody bike – there really is one born every minute…
The story continues…