Bolton Wanderers FC

* 99.9% of Bolton fans will resemble rabid hell-hounds whilst (incorrectly) calling for Megson's head tonight

* Sylvia Distan's performance has dropped by 99.9% this season. Rusty Lee would make a more effective centre-half on current form.

* 99.9% - The percentage of Countdown fans who wanted to see the letters spell out 'pissflaps' at some stage.

* 99.9% - The percentage of male viewers who laughed their nads off when Graeme le Saux was voted out of Minor-Celebrities on Ice.

* 99.9% - Rafa Benitez's score on his Nintendo DS game 'FIFA's find out how much of a mad bastard you've become over recent months smackdown'.

* 99.9% - The percentage of English football fans who would pronounce the new West Brom forward as Fortune, rather than fort-you-neigh. Somebody please tell John Motson, for fooks sake...

Sorry – can’t speak much this week. Father Christmas brought me Schott’s 2009 Almanac and I need to memorise every detail in there. I’ll hopefully bring you some of those stats soon but, in the meantime, here’s some more relevant ones for this week. Enjoy!

* 14% of the 27% of ‘Dancing on Ice’s’ viewers who are male will be watching to appreciate the skating skills of the stars, rather than the curves of the totty on show.

* There is a 100% chance that my old mucker Dean Fartass won’t be playing for Hull again any time soon.

* Sorry to chuck a bit of politics in but 67% of Premiership footballers believe, beneath the glossy media-friendly exterior, David Cameron knows sod-all about the finer financial details of England’s current economic plight.

* There is a 65% chance that Mr Motivator’s back will conk out on him live on air on GMTV before the end of January.

* There is a 0.6% chance that the letters VORDERMAN will pop up on the Countdown board, in that order, for Rachel Riley at some point this year.

* There is a 0.3% chance that Mark Hughes will pay a reasonable price for a player this month.

* There is a higher probability of Shaun Ryder & Bez replacing Danni Minogue on the X-Factor judging panel than there is of Gary Megson ever being truly accepted by the Bolton fans. Which is a shame.

* 68% of British men would rather saddle-up Sarah Jessica Parker and take her show-jumping than jump into the sack with her.

* 34% of those 68% of British men are also afraid that she’d nick their sugar-lumps when they weren’t looking.

* There is a 3% chance that I’ll join Real Madrid or Barcelona during this transfer window…

Good evening. Henrik Pedersen here, with the first entry in what is sure to become an epic, lengthy and award-winning body of work: Henrik Pedersen is...the Stat Doctor. I first stumbled across the wonderful world of statistics when attempting, two seasons ago, to work out why my goals-to-shots ratio was so shit. Having arrived at a conclusion for that particular conundrum (it transpired that I simply wasn’t a very good footballer…), I decided to further pursue statistical theory. What a decision! It is a stimulating, interesting and sexy world of intrigue, mystery and wonderment. As I am now something of an expert in the field, it is very kind of Mick to offer me this regular column on his desperate blog page. The majority of my stats will be football based, though there will be other random statements. Enjoy and have a stat-filled Christmas (and remember - 37.4% of the population will quote a stat at some point over the festive period). Your old club-footed buddy, Henrik. x

- 82.7% of all stats are bollocks.

- My column will always fall within the remaining 17.3%, which subsequently means that my stats will always be 100% correct.

- 92% of BWFC fans didn’t want Gary Megson when he signed. 89% still don’t, even though he’s doing a reasonable job this season.

- 74% of BWFC fans thought, before the Portsmouth game last Saturday, that Ricardo Gardner was more dangerous to passing aircraft than to opposition keepers when entering the final third of the pitch.

- 99% of Everton fans are hoping David Moyes spends big on a new striker in January. They’ll be resorting to playing Phil Neville up front soon.

- 100% of Liverpool fans are laughing their cocks off right now at Everton’s centre-forward predicament.

- Given his predilection for American lap-dancers, 97.6% of Bolton fans are hoping Ian Walker returns to the club in the near-future as Director of Half Time Entertainment.

- 3.5% of Man City fans want Mark Hughes replaced by the dream team of Gary McAllister (as manager) and Barry Chuckle (as Director of Football) before the January transfer window kicks in.