And there's more (to quote the comedian Enoch probably stole all these from)...
A sad day for me, my last Countdown, though I'm hoping to make a few pounds in the future by following your tips. (And then betting against them)
PS. Des says 'Dick A Dum Dum' I don't know whether he was plugging his Greatest Hits or making a comment. Carol Vorderman
I've recently bought a bookmakers in Weatherfield, with your help and a few mugs backing your tips I can put my boy Simon through Eton. Keep 'em coming.
PS. Don't tell Blanche, she's got 10p. on 'em. Peter Barlow, Coronation Street
Dere mistur grene,my dady sed I shud rite yoo a letur cos yoo ave pade for miy new skool an is new kar. Grate Grani Blanche is not veri pleesd she sez yoo ar veri krule givin sili tips to poor old penshuners, miy Grandad Ken toled er she shudn't ewse wurds like wot she did in frunt of me. Simon Barlow, Coronation Street
I'm getting the word 'Numpty' Clinton Baptiste
Dear Sir, you are to betting what I am to dancing. (Though I'm more popular) John Sergeant
I've more hope of seeing Upsydaisey's Tittyfers than your bets coming in ... Iggle Piggle (Though this could be Uncle Wally's...???)
I'm thinking of re recording one of my hits, what do you think?
Greenfinger
He's the man, the man with the hopeless touch
A wide boy's touch
Such an old minger
with bets that will never win
So don't go in
Golden tips he will pour in your ear
But his tips can't disguise what you fear
For a wise punter knows when he's picked 'em
It's the kiss of death ...
From Mister Greenfinger
Pretty girl, beware of his bets so bold
His bets are cold Shirley Bassey
Quote - 'Well, if Peter Kay can put a minimum amount of effort into making a 2 hour show and 2 singles without raising a single bloody laugh'
So you don't want to carry on as my stunt double? Peter Kay
F***ing D******d!!! Roy Chubby Brown
And they call me a fraud! Derek Acorah
Ladbrokes staff are being issued with double strength Pampers! Baldylocks