Bolton Wanderers FC

Now - I work in Wigan so I'll have to be careful here...

We'll spank the swines!

Head says 3-0. Heart says 8-0. 5 for Elmander. 2 for Davo. 1 for Mario Jardel.

Get in there.

A win today, taking us to the cusp of safety.

The team should be buoyed by the sensational (almost) comeback against Chelsea and, although at home, I believe Pompey are there for the taking. They're struggling scoring this season and that bodes well for us. I can see Davo maintaining his outstanding run of form and terrorising Sol Campbell (as he did with John Terry when moved back to the frontline halfway through last weeks game) and Matty Taylor will take a punt anywhere from 1-30 yards away from goal, given his sky-high confidence at the moment.

Head says 1-0 Bolton. Heart says 3-0.

Howdy! Apologies for missing a couple of weeks – I’ve been on a sabbatical up a hill in the Scottish Highlands, finding myself and rediscovering my zest for life. Well and truly refreshed, here’s my positive outlook themed musings from the past week or so.

* The most recent series of Harry Hill’s TV Burp has now ended? Don’t let him have a holiday – it should be on 52 weeks per year.

* I have it on good authority that the worlds leading politicians (including Barrack) spent their time in London last week watching Gordon Brown’s DVD box-set of Bottom, as they are bored shitless of trying to solve the world’s debt problems.

* For a much maligned player, that was a fine bit of play (and wholly unselfish too) from Boa Morte on Saturday. Well done fella.

* I’m going being a backing dancer for Mel B’s Vegas based Burlesque show. Aye karumba – she’s been working out lately. That’s a dream job, as long as she keeps her mouth shut…

* 100/1 winner in the National? Get the hell outta here…

* Guns don’t kill people – rappers do.

* Britain’s Got Talent returns to our screens next Saturday. Don’t tell anyone I told you but the following colleagues of mine have all auditioned:

          - Gretar Steinsson, doing a little tap-dancing

          - Fabrice Muamba, with his ventriloquist dummy ‘Bertie Hole’.

          - Andy O’Brien – no discernible act. He just wanted to see Kelly Brook. He was gutted that she was fired off after a couple of days.

          - Johan Elmander, with his knife-throwing act. Given his accuracy levels, his lovely assistant (Alfie Makakula) is shitting bricks…

Ok – I’ll admit now that the scoreline flattered us a little. Boro had plenty of chances and, had Tuncay been a little more accurate with his finishing, the score could have been considerably different. But he didn’t and the fact of the matter is this will go down in the annals as a comprehensive victory.

On the day, Boro’s defending was awful. Cahill had time to stub out a fag before notching his first Reebok goal of the season. Despite what Megson said on MOTD, Matty Taylor’s shot should have been stopped and Davo was allowed time to slot his goal home. However, poor defending doesn’t always gift the game to opposing teams – chances have to be taken and we certainly took them. Add to the above Ricky’s goal (his fourth in the league this season) and the result made for a very satisfying day at the office, even if the performance didn’t quite blow people away.

Cause for concern? Elmander’s form, yet again. He simply doesn’t look up to the task of being a successful Premier League striker. Also, Muamba failed to impress yet again.

Causes for optimism? This result puts us on the brink of safety and was much needed ahead of a trip to Stamford Bridge next Saturday. We should get enough points from the remaining fixtures to retain our top-flight status and, although that will disappoint some fools who actually wouldn’t have minded seeing us relegated just to get rid of Megson, that is all we can ask for this season.

Oh yesh - we're back! Just to give Enoch Hewis, Wally Walton and Northy some easy ammo for next weeks posts! Ignore the nags up at Liverpool and get on these beauties for some truly grand returns today...

4 Draws (4 x £1 trebles and a £1 accumulator - total outlay of a fiver):

Hull v Portsmouth, Derby v Burnley, QPR v Crystal Palace, Birmingham v Wolves

Let's get straight to the point here (and apologies to Youngy if you read this but you might want to look away now...) - let's get 3 points closer to safety and stick another nail in Boro's coffin. No room for sentiment here - we have to beat Boro and beat them well this afternoon. A good performance is long overdue so let's make it today.

In terms of team news, who knows? I doubt Megson will change things too much but I'd be tempted to chuck Smolarek in for Elmander. Elmander isn't up to the job whilst Smolarek surely deserves a chance having scored 4 midweek for Poland. Ok, it was against San Marino but none-the-less, 4 goals against anyone at international level is an impressive feat. My good brother-in-law Wally believes that Smolarek is too light-weight to fit into a Megson style team and, whilst he may have a point, I'd still be tempted to chuck him in. Davo can do all the hard work (and he should have a point to prove following Capello's very definite snub against him this week) so let's make good use of Ebi's obvious finishing ability.

Head says 2-1 Bolton. Heart says 5-0. Come on you whites!

PS - Good luck to the legend that is Big Al too.

My heart said a win here, my head said a draw. Should I be happy, then, with the final result? Possibly, but I’m not. West Brom are, quite simply, a poor team and we’ve only taken 2 points from them this season. That isn’t really good enough. It’s not enough to say that Scott Carson had a great game. It’s not enough to say that Matty Taylor almost took the Baggies to the sword single-handedly. The fact of the matter is, we should now be another 2 points closer to safety.

Plus points? The form of Taylor is very welcome at the moment, whilst Davo continues doing what he does best (what’s that? He’s not in the England squad but Carlton Cole is? What a fantastic surprise…).

Minus points? Quite simple really – the form of Elmander, Muamba and, more recently, McCann, continues to cause concern. At the moment, the rest of the team are carrying these players and that isn’t on when we’re scrapping for points. It seems that Megson has the same virus as Alex Ferguson at the moment – playamisfitbigmoneystikerevenwhenthey’renotperformingjustbecauseyoushelledoutalotofmoneyforthemitis. Elmander is similar to Berbatov in one respect – the managers paid a lot of money for these players and, despite piss poor form, seem reluctant to drop them, presumably because of the huge initial outlay. Sorry Gary but that isn’t enough of an excuse – Elmander just isn’t cutting the mustard at the moment and should be dropped (in favour of Smolarek) for what is a huge game at home to Middlesbrough.

Yes – there’s a distinct odour around the betting column of late. And that odour is a steaming great pile of shit. So let’s make it a little more fragrant around these parts by listing a winning line that will carry spring-infused odours of apple orchards, daffodils and the collective sweat of Girls Aloud having just completed an arduous 2 hour show at the MEN Arena (and that’s a odour I’d love to savour….). Quite what our esteemed Stoke editor Northy’s tips will smell of, I’m not sure – have a look here and see what you think. Though I am tempted by his inclusion of draws in his line last week – a sure fire way of bumping up the odds. Hmmmmm….. 

Anyway, here you go with this weeks line, and it’s a slight change to last week. 4 games – 4 draws. Relatively small stakes x 5, so you’re betting on 4 trebles and 1 four-timer (so if your initial stake is £1, that’s a fiver in total). 3 draws and you get a return. 4 draws and you’ve got a good hangover come Monday morning…

Portsmouth v Everton

West Brom v Bolton

Plymouth v Burnley

Sheffield Wednesday v Swansea

Shortest match preview I’ve ever done as this is all that’s needed:

3 points and a vast improvement on last weeks performance.

Nothing else will do.

Oh yes – it’s good to see James Corden being funny again, following a long period of relative shite (starting with the 2^nd series of Gavin & Stacey, moving on to Corden & Horne and culminating in the shite-fest that looks to be Lesbian Vampire Killers. For those of you who missed it, this Comic Relief sketch with high profile members of the England squad was very funny indeed. Good work Corden – now please concentrate on making the 3^rd series of Gavin & Stacey as good as the first. There’s a good chap.

Crayons ready? Eyes down for another full house of musings!

- I’m concerned at the Catflap situation. No communication? no weekly e-mags dropping in the e-mail box? Ali is wondering how many more of these columns he will get to write?

- It’s about time Colleen Nolan went out of Dancing On Ice. How she made it this far is beyond me (bloody Loose Women viewers…).

- The Apprentice is back next week. Wa-hey!

- Comic Relief wasn’t too bad this year. Wasn’t great, but wasn’t too bad…

- The 2 Liverpool results from last week? Holy shit – where did they come from? Impressive stuff.

- But Rafa is still a fat, arrogant, Spanish waiter.

- What’s the fuss about Lady Ga-Ga? I think she’s crap. So does Mrs Al-Habsi. She prefers a bit of Deep Purple.

- I’ve got my Michael Jackson tickets for the O2 concerts. So I’m going to sell them on E-Bay as the plastic freak-show exhibit isn’t going to make it through all those concerts. There’s more chance of Shola Ameobi being the top scorer in the 2010 World Cup.

The worst display of the season (and, having wasted 2 hours of my life on the Everton & Wigan games, that’s saying something). In fact, quite possibly the worst performance  I’ve ever seen by a Bolton team.

I agree with Megson saying that we simply need to draw a line under it but there are deeper lying problems to address here. O’Brien did have a bad game but it isn’t his only one of late. He looks a shadow of the man who won last season’s player of the year award and, as harsh as this sounds, serious consideration should now be given to replacing him with Sebastien Puygrenier, before O’Brien’s already fragile confidence is shattered any further.

Another who hasn’t performed particularly well of late is Gavin McCann, who had a shocker. Unable to pass to a fellow team-mate, McCann might as well have been playing for Fulham. We were woeful in midfield and couldn’t wrestle control of the game from the likes of Murphy and Etuhu.

And then we have Johan Elmander. I’ve attempted to back Elmander many times via this column but the time has come to stop doing that and face facts – the guy is not fit to be in the first team. He lacks confidence. He has the pace of Robbie Coltrane 10 minutes after polishing off a mixed grill. His first touch is poor. He looks to be a very expensive white elephant. Will Megson continue to play him simply because of his lofty transfer fee? It certainly seems that way. Again, this may seem harsh, but we are entering a crucial period and we can’t afford passengers, of which Elmander currently is one. Makukula certainly isn’t the answer, so I’d either play 5 across the middle in support of Davo (with Taylor and Gardner making it a front 3 whenever possible) or do a straight swap – Smolarek (who wasn’t even on the bench on Saturday – I hope due to a minor injury…???) for Elmander. We are now, in this topsy-turvy season, just 4 points off the bottom 3. We can’t have any more performances like this.

To be fair to Fulham, they looked good. Hodgson certainly set them up to get something from the game and credit to him for that. Stand-out performers were Andy Johnson, Simon Davies and the very impressive Bernard Hangliderland (though, to be fair, Bolton’s primary tactic of hoofing the ball toward a centre-back who must be 6’5” did make things pretty easy for him – he won everything in the air).

Faster than a speeding tortoise! Stronger than a year old piece of Brie. Bigger than a gnat’s chuff! It’s the all-new super-powered betting column!

Tremble away Northy – prepare to be vanquished!

Laugh away Enoch Hewis – your snide asides will have to be used elsewhere this weekend! This is a bloody winner! 14/1 too!

As we’re entering the business end of the season, it’s time to make some serious corn. Starting now. Chocs away, tally-ho and let’s give the bastards a good scudding chaps!

Newcastle, Wolves, Leeds, Burton Albion, West Ham,

Hmmm – this doesn’t stand out as a potential classic (which goes some way to explaining why the tickets have been reduced to £10), but it will hopefully provide another 3 points for us. Fulham’s away form is awful (so get on them at the bookies to take 3 points tomorrow…) and we have to put in a decent display following the awful performance at Stoke. Megson criticised his team then, though openly admitted that the lack of depth in his squad severely limits his potential to shake things up.

So expect minimal changes from us (if any at all) – the only one I can potentially see is Gardner starting, though it remains to be seen if Megson agrees. Fulham, despite that away record, are a tidy team and have the players who can cause some damage (Johnson, Dempsey, Murphy, Davies etc.) so this isn’t cut and dried, though I’m hoping and praying that we’ll be another 3 points closer to safety come Saturday evening.

Head says 1-0 Bolton. Heart says 2-1 Bolton. Elmander and Davies (Mark) for us with Jimmy Bullard for Fulham (hohoho – just my little joke there! It will hopefully be John Paintsil, to bolster my fantasy team score…)

Hehehe! In recognition of my sterling tips, Northy the Stoke blogger has stepped up to the oche to commence a betting face-off! See Northy's tips here , along with one hell of a clip too.

Anyway, now the battle lines have been drawn, I have to respond. So here's where I start taking it seriously (!!!) and provide you with a peach of a winning midweek line. This pays a walloping 13/2 and, in true Northy style, is accompanied by a marvellous musical video by a massively underrated artist to boot. We'll all be living the life of riley when this little beauty brings home the bacon! Good luck and let battle commence!

Barcelona, Man City, Sheffield United, Reading & Brentford

Ho-ho! Comedy Ali here, full of fund-raising cheer! Here’s my musings from the past few days – keep on smiling!

Ali. x

- I’m wearing a clown outfit to training on Friday. Well – it is Comic Relief you know! Don’t tell him but I’m going to slap a custard pie into Meggo’s face too!

- Is it just me or is the new version of ‘Ant & Dec’s Saturday Takeaway’ a bit rubbish?

- Enoch & Alan won at the quiz last Thursday, on their own? I still don’t believe it…

- Roll on the new series of ‘The Apprentice’. Rumour has it that one of my BWFC colleagues (must be one who doesn’t play much?) will be taking part. My money’s on Mustapha Riga…

- My current karaoke tune – a bit of Bon Jovi, with some modified Ali lyrics: ‘Shot through the heart, and Jussi’s to blame. That is why, I’m not getting a game…’

- Just for Yatesy (the genial Liverpool blog-fella) – the forms have just been posted. The deed-poll name change should be happening soon…

- Just for Yatesy (the genial Liverpool blog-fella) – you’re right. Lucas is crap! But he still shouldn’t be booed.

- Just for Baz Tench (the genial Man City blog-fella) – another 3 Stooges fan! Marvellous – me and Mrs Al-Habsi watch their DVDs on a regular basis!

- Just for Northy (the genial Stoke blog-fella) – lend us James Beattie? Please…

- Just for Youngy (the genial Boro blog-fella) – lend us Marlon King? Please……. ermm – on second thoughts, don’t bother!

- Just for the rest of the blog-editors – Get bloody posting! Come on fellas – it’s fun!

- Paul Merson is still an arse.