Bolton Wanderers FC

I agreed with Max Branning from Eastenders (a.k.a. Gary Megson) when he expressed some degree of surprise that Gary Cahill hasn’t been considered for the current England squad, especially when the like of Michael Mancienne has been drafted in. Now I’m sure that Mancienne is a quality player (haven’t seen too much of him I’m afraid, so can’t make a judgement for myself at this stage) but Cahill has been top class since joining the Whites. Yes, the team have struggled over that period, but Cahill has probably been the most consistent player during that time. Assured, collected, powerful and a great reader of the game, he looks an astute signing (even at £5 million) and can only improve over time. Still only 22, he is now one of the most important players at the club and it suggests ignorance on Capello’s part for him not to have noticed this and given Cahill a chance, especially given the spate of ‘injuries’ (yeah, right…) and withdrawals which have occurred this week. Only time will tell if Cahill does get the call-up he definitely deserves, though my fear is the longer he misses out, the greater the temptation will be for him to leave for a ‘bigger club’ to realize his international ambitions. So come on Capello – prove that your reputation is warranted and select worthy players from unfashionable clubs, rather than players-with-promise who haven’t even figure at Premiership level.

Scene 1: Fathers Ebi Crilly (Ebi Smolarek), Dougal McGuire (Jason McAteer) and Jack Twatty (Gerry Taggart) are sitting in the front room of their Craggy Island house. Ebi is pacing up and down by the window, Jack is asleep in his threadbare chair and Dougal is playing with an etch-a-sketch.

FD: Ebi, I’ve finally done it. I’ve drawn a picture of Spongebob Squarepants.

FE: Shut-up Dougal, you clueless turd. I’m nervous enough today without having to listen to your constant stream of drivel.

Just as Dougal is about to reply, Mrs Doyle (Mario Jardel) enters the room, shaking like a leaf, carrying a tray of tea, pork pies, chocolate, chips (with gravy and scraps), kebabs, crisp, cakes and ghee.

MD: Will yah be having a nice cup of tea Fathers, and some nice fatty junk food? Will yahs? Ahhhh go awn, go awn, go awn, go awn.

FE: I’d love some Mrs Doyle but you’ve already eaten them all, you fat knacker. Besides, I’m too worried to drink. I have to work out how I’m going to kick Bishop Megson up the arse as a result of losing that bet. He’s coming round soon to critique my sermon.

FD: Ohhhhhh, dat’ll be brilllllliant Eb. Seeing you kick Bishop Megson up the ahrse. I can’t wait.

At that moment Bishop Megson storms into the room. A squat man, he wears a permanent look of anger on his increasingly reddening face.

BM: Eb. That sermon is a steaming pile of arse, and I haven’t even read it yet. You’re not getting anywhere near the frontline with performances like that.

FE: Ahhhhh, bollocks to this. Take that you little ginger bastard……

Father Eb proceeds to kick Bishop Megson up the arse, rupturing his sphincter in the process. The Bishop is out of action for 6 months, so Chris Evans takes on his Bishopy duties. He underperforms, attendances plummet, the congregation grows restless and Ebi never preaches for the parish again. He is ferried off to a foreign diocese in the January transfer window. Father Dougal continues to be thick, Father Jack continues to be pissed, Mrs Doyle continues to eat all the fatty food and Bishop Megson struggles passing stools for the remainder of the year. The end.

A response to Boro editor Stuart’s post on Big Sam is essential, especially the long ball accusation. Yes, Sam did employ a long ball tactic at times, but a number of managers in this league (of the likes of Benitez, Mourinho, Redknapp, O’Neill etc.) have also done so. But that accusation, when leveled with such vitriol at Allardyce, is tired, predictable and embarrassing for those who don’t know what they’re talking about. Does any true football fan honestly believe that international-class talents such as JJ Okocha, Youri Djorkaeff, Ivan Campo, Fernando Hierro & Nicolas Anelka would move to a club (and actually flourish there) where they’d spend their time in the middle of the park watching the ball continually fizz over their heads? Of course not and it is nonsense to suggest otherwise. That Djorkaeff loved his football here suggests otherwise. That Campo enjoyed such a special relationship with the fans suggests otherwise. That Okocha virtually owned the ‘Showboat’ section of Soccer AM for 2 years suggests otherwise. That Bolton effectively brought Anelka’s undoubted talents back to the forefront suggests otherwise.

In addition, Allardyce was instrumental in introducing innovative techniques behind the scenes. The backroom staff he assembled at The Reebok were second to none and his introduction of therapists, motivational coaches, specialist medical teams, alternative practitioners etc won praise from all of the players mentioned above and many more besides. His methods were analysed (and copied) by many prominent coaches and reaped results far greater than were expected.

There are other reasons why Allardyce should be considered a great coach but I’ll turn this into a minor thesis if I go into them all. Given time at Newcastle, he’d have been a success (nice move Mr Ashley, you clueless fool). It is widely accepted that he was by far the most impressive interviewee when interviewed for the England job a few years back, yet a certain Steve McClaren (Boro’s finest no doubt…) bizarrely landed the job and the less we say about that the better. He completely turned around the fortunes of Bolton Wanderers and on a relatively low budget. For that, all Bolton fans should be eternally grateful and others should cut the guy a bit of slack and ditch the tired long ball accusations.  

News has reached your esteemed blog editor (who is currently supporting Girls Aloud with his fine Indie covers band 'Slipstream') that a hacker has infiltrated his beloved page and posted some new news that isn't really worthy of being classed as news. Your lovely editor would like it to be known that, as soon as he returns home tomorrow, he'll be removing these heinous posts (as well as the hands of the cheeky young tyke who did this). Apologies if any offence has been caused but it was out of my hands folks.

My warmest and sincerest and most heartfelt greetings to you all,

MC Mikey G

Wa-hey! It’s your jovial, genial columnist Ali here once again. And I’m in a bloody spiffing mood this week, thanks to Jussi conceding a couple on Saturday. Don’t tell anyone about this (it’s our little secret) but I’ve been waiting for him to do that again, given his recent form. Now, hopefully, Meggo (or Max Branning from Eastenders as I prefer to call him) will see that I am the finest keeper in this delightful province and give me my chance against Boro on Saturday. It simply has to happen. Anyway, time will tell (and remember, mum’s the word…) but for now here’s the high-brow reflections on life I’ve scribbled down in my nice new Hannah Montana notebook over the past few days:

- I’ve never seen Denise Van Outen fondling cream horns in the Bolton Morrisons store, which is why I started shopping at Lidl. I’ve never seen Alan Hansen there either but I’m not really arsed about him to be honest with you.

- Where has all the English white dog shit gone? We still have it in Oman?

- Children In Need, whilst for a very, very worthy cause, is as dull as shit to watch. Might I suggest the BBC liven up next years event by getting Nicole Shwerzinger, Eva Mendes, Kate Garraway (guilty pleasure – sorry!) & Jessica Alba to have a bikini-clad tag-team wrestling match in a big vat full of vimto, tomato sauce and melted chocolate? Then I’d certainly donate a whole English pound.

- Why was Daniel voted out of the X-Factor? I though his distinctly average singing voice shouldn’t have detracted from the fact that his gut-wrenching sob-story should have seen him romp to victory.

- God bless America.

- God bless 18 bottles of Becks for £6.99 at Tesco.

- God bless Emily Maitlis every time she reads the BBC news, the intelligent-yet-still-exceedingly-saucy minx.

- It’s strong and it’s sudden and it can be cruel some times,

  But it might just change your life.

  That’s the power of love.

Peace and love.

AAH

Hello mateys. Your favourite-ever Bolton centre-half Mark Fish here. Since my playing career came to an end I’ve eked out my days as part-time film critic for The Daily Sport (in the award-winning ‘Fish’s Flicks’ column) and generally lazing around while the missus does a decent days graft down the pit to put some food on the table and shoes on the kids.

Anyhow, with all this spare time on my hands I’ve been able to indulge in my favourite passion – classic television adverts. I remember the classic adverts of old when, as a slip of a lad in South Africa, I used to hide in the cellar, flick the portable on and marvel over the delights of the Cadburys Caramel bunny (damn, she was hot….) whilst singing along to the Special AKA’s marvelous ode to binge-drinking and casual sex, ‘Free Nelson Mandela’.

I did, however, have initial doubts about this column. After all, us ex-Bolton players have all taken a look at Prick Green’s daily spewings of shite on here and recognised it to be a bumper bag of arse biscuits. However, I was amazed to see just how many ex and current players he has on board and, as a result of this, I found the offer impossible to refuse.  

Anyway, onto my first post. My first classic advert to be appreciated will not be, as the title might suggest, Um Bongo (I’ll save that for a later date). It will be another fruit based drink in a carton – the marvelous Moonshine. Now I don’t know who came up with the idea of naming a kids drink after the product of illegal brewing practices by American rednecks but I do like their train of thought. That the drink itself tasted of fermented hippo piss didn’t matter – the advert was a masterpiece. Featuring the law-dodging escapades of contrabanding brothers Sammy the Stoat and his brother Irvine, it was a non-stop thrill ride which left you breathless whilst singing along to the brilliant bluegrass soundtrack. Enjoy it in its glory here:

There was a certain inevitability about this result. Even without Torres, Liverpool are playing some excellent football this season and now have to be considered genuine title contenders (although I have said since the first day of the season that Chelsea will be champions and I still believe that to be the case). Gerrard is as brilliant as ever (given free reign to attack thanks to an excellent holding midfield pairing of Alonso and Mascherano), Kuyt has been a revelation since switching to an attacking winger, Riera has slotted in effortlessly and Keane will come good – the old adage form is temporary, class is permanent certainly applies. And then there is Torres; Liverpool could easily have scored 4 or 5 on Saturday (thanks go to Gerrard and Keane for missing simple chances and keeping the score relatively respectable); with Torres they would have done. The guy is prodigiously talented and the ball in for Gerrard’s goal was sublime genius of the highest order. If Il Nino stays fit, Liverpool will be there-or-thereabouts come May.

And what of Bolton? Well, after a promising opening 8 or 9 minutes, it was backs-to-the-wall stuff. Defending deep and in numbers, it was nothing more than damage limitation. Yes, Cahill’s goal should have stood (I won’t go on about Styles’ record when reffing BWFC games for fear of spontaneously combusting with rage) and yes, Gardner should have scored when falling flat on his arse , though the fact remains that employing the defensive tactics against the ‘Big 4’ will see us come unstuck time and time again. And why does Gary Megson state in the local press that he’s sure Elmander will come good and then stick him on the wing? My learned brother-in-law Wally said Elmander will be another Jon Dahl Tomasson, in that he’ll be labeled a flop in England (due to being played out of position) and will subsequently move to a foreign team, play in his correct position and be considered a top-notch player. Worryingly, each passing game leads me to believe this will be the case. Come on Megson – adopt a tactic that will prove me wrong here…

It’s unusual to be typing a preview in a buoyant mood but that’s what two consecutive victories do for you. They were perfectly timed as the next 4 fixtures see away trips to Boro and Sunderland sandwiched by tough home games against Chelsea and, this Saturday lunchtime, Liverpool. In keeping a positive mood going I’m noting that we haven’t always been walloped by the Big 4 at the Reebok – indeed, we beat Liverpool here in September 2006 and August 2004, which was Rafa’s first defeat as Liverpool manager. Confidence should be high amongst the players and hopefully the Reebok faithful will lay off Megson during the match (for all the criticism I’ve aimed at him via this blog this season, I’ve never booed him or any players at a game and I never will). There’s a time and a place for spleen venting and it isn’t during a vital match when the players need encouragement and support.

It will be interesting to see what starting line-up Megson puts out. He should keep faith with Elmander and Gardner, though Kevin Nolan is available again following suspension, whilst I’d like to see a little more of Smolarek. However, the game concerns me due to the fact that Torres is likely to return. I’ve always rated this guy and the Premier League is really bringing out the best in him – he is a genuine world class talent; one of the top 2 or 3 strikers in world football today. Blend that with a newly-confident Robbie Keane (goals breed confidence), an impressive looking Albert Riera and Steven Gerrard covering every inch of grass whilst stamping on Nolan’s chest and you’ve got a daunting task ahead. I’ll be happy with Megson packing the midfield and trying to stall Liverpool’s free-flowing football (for once I’ll be very content with a dull-as-shite 0-0 here) though I expect Liverpool will just have too much class in the end. Heart says 0-0 (or even 1-0 to us…) though head says Liverpool will win by the odd goal in 3…

Well, if Peter Kay can put a minimum amount of effort into making a 2 hour show and 2 singles without raising a single bloody laugh, I can do the same with an equally piss-poor post title.

Anyway, as we’re on the countdown to Christmas, I’m feeling added pressure to really bring home the bacon with these betting columns, to enable all the loyal BWFC blog readers (i.e. Baldylocks & Wally) to get extra funds with which to buy booze, curry and presents at this wondrous time of year. Hence the following selection of undoubted winners, which returns at a very sexy 25/1. Good night and good luck…

Man United,  Chelsea,  Birmingham,  Wolves,  Leeds,  Leicester  &  Bury.

Jewell was heavily linked with the BWFC job following Sammy Lee’s sacking but preferred to take on the Derby job; a decision he now surely regrets, given that Derby aren’t the shoe-ins Jewell obviously thought they were for promotion back to the Premiership this season. So, what would have happened had Jewell taken the Reebok hot seat…

He firstly signed Nathan Ellington for £3 million (funds raised by selling Kevin Davies to Arsenal (Wenger loves him really) for £2.9 million and Nicolas Anelka to Bradford for £100k (Jewell likes to help his old clubs)) and intended pairing him up front with Ricardo Vaz Te, who, Jewell proclaimed, ‘would be as good as Cristiano Ronaldo given regular starts’… Stelios moved to Wigan in a swap deal for Uncle Joe (of mint-balls fame) and, in an unforgiveable example of the most basic of schoolboy errors, Jewell accidentally signed 80’s white-soul warbler Paul Young when he actually meant to bid for Ashley Young.

To summarise, the season was close to disaster. Bolton stayed up by the skins of their teeth (sound familiar?), with Vaz Te spending the entire season on the sidelines thanks to a bruised arse incurred whilst theatrically falling over in a pre-season friendly versus Doncaster Belles. Ellington scored 23 of the team’s 35 goals, with Paul Young 2^nd top scorer with an impressive tally of 9, all scored at home as, despite being played in every game, Young did try conveying the message that ‘Everytime you go away, you take a piece of me with you’. Such heartfelt emotion obviously had a big effect on his game away from the Reebok but Jewell was too busy eating Revels to realise this. Jewell was eventually hounded out by the fans who were frustrated in his refusal to sign further 80’s pop stars (Terence Trent D’Arby, Stedman from 5-Star and Wendy James from Transvision Vamp were all rumoured transfers which never materialised) and is now forming a barbershop quartet with fellow Scouse mirthsters Jimmy Tarbuck, Stan Boardman and Alexi Sayle.

This one hasn’t been tried yet (as I have just devised it) but it could be a festive winner if anyone cares to take the (overly-complicated) lead:

My my, at the KC, the Wanderers didn’t surrender

Oh yeah! And they had snatched the full 3 points in quite a battling way.

The history books will all say, that Jussi was on fire that daaayyyyyyyyy…

Jussiloo! You’re our defence, just don’t let them score.

Jussiloo! Promise you’ll save us for ever more.

Jussiloo! Couldn’t have scored if they wanted to.

Jussiloo! Oh it’s our fate and we worship you.

A whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jussiloo! It’s out fate and we worship you.  

Thank the Lord for Roy Keane. A few years back I hated the bloke as a player (even though he was admittedly one of the best around) and, with having an affinity to Newcastle United due to my North East roots and having a NUFC mad fatha, I always wanted Alan Shearer to knock his block off when they had one of their many spats. However, I find his typically forthright and direct manner as a manager quite refreshing and it makes a pleasant change to see a manager have a pop at a worthy target rather than start a petty squabble with a fellow boss.

Apparently he’s caused some concern amongst the top-brass up at the Stadium of Shite with his scathing comments last week regarding Sky pundits and commentators. For what it’s worth, I think he’s fairly spot on. Whilst it’s in Sky’s best interests to provide almost blanket coverage of English football and breaking news, some of their so-called ‘experts’ are piss poor.  Namely Andy Gray, who is far too smug and self-aggrandising for his own good, and Paul Merson, who is an illiterate joke and would struggle to convey an accurate and clear report on my 2-year old daughter putting her coat on. In addition, Trevor Francis (do they still use him?) is quite simply an arse, likewise Ruud Gullit.

But, and I must stick up for Sky here, they do have some diamonds in their ranks (and these outnumber the duffers listed above). Jeff Stelling is quite simply a legend. Jamie Redknapp is proving to be a very competent analyst and must be in the frame for taking over from Andy Gray. Chris Kamara is comedy gold and I do like the no-nonsense input from both Alan McAnally and Le Tiss. Christ – I’m even warming to Phil Thompson’s slightly witty style of analysis and I never thought I’d see the day I’d say that…

Good on you Roy for having the balls to speak out. Plus a topic prompted by you provides an ideal opportunity to revisit this gem of a clip.

A reimagining of the classic sci-fi tale of good versus evil, this timeless fable centres on Luke IanWalker, a young man who must fight his inner demons and learn how to harness his God-given talent for the greater good of his compatriots. Played in this version by Johan Elmander, Luke must leave the world in which he is most comfortable and shoulder the expectations of his people to lead them to a greater good. Embarking on a perilous quest, and seeking out all there is to know from Jedi Master Yoda (Peter Beardsley), Luke must hit the ground running in order to vanquish his most heinous enemy; the ugly, self-important despot Darth Vader (Alan Green). Ably assisted by his loyal clan, consisting of cocksure mirror-man Han Solo (Dean Holdsworth), hirsute maverick Chewbacca (Ivan Campo), annoying sidekick Jar Jar Binks (Bo Hansen), useless whinger C3P0 (Didi Hamann) and foxy, minxy, horny strumpet Princess Leah (ermm……dubious link but Wilhelmsson’s missus???), Luke yearns to avenge the passing of his dear friend Obi Wan Kenobi (Fernando Hierro) and restore peace and harmony to the universe.

Or alternatively, should he fail, he’ll be farmed off to another part of the galaxy for a quarter of what the Rebel Alliance originally paid for him whilst his colleagues are taken captive and imprisoned in the Championship Death Star, never to return…

Stuff and bollocks. I might as well pack my bags now following Saturday’s wonder-display from the Flying Finn. I’ve about as much chance of getting into the first team as Gavin McCann has of hitting Christmas No.1 with his new single; a drum-and-bass cover of the Cliff Richard classic ‘Saviour’s Day’. Anyway, here are my musings from the past week or so. Hugs and grumps to you all. Your old mate Ali.

- I have a huge bruise on my big toe from kicking the wall following Jussi’s wonder-save from Marlon King on Saturday.

- Laura White the worst act in the X-Factor this week? Absolute hogwash. The show is a fix and a joke. And if I ever see Louis Walsh in the flesh I am going to drown the sniveling little git in a pool of his own snot.

- The 1.5% reduction in interest rates doesn’t make much difference when you’re living out of a suitcase in the DeVere Whites Hotel. Though they do make a lovely cheesy-chip barm at three in the morning, should you get the early-morning munchies.

- The negative press surrounding Katherine Jenkins has to stop. She could come and piss on my kids for all I care - I’d still give her a fiver to fart in my hand. That’s how lovely she is.

- I couldn’t give a toss about the American presidential race. I’m more concerned about whether or not I’ll be able to continue to get my hands on Paul Newman’s lovely salad dressings now that the great man has gone. I’m not holding my breath though as he did make every single bottle of sauce with his own bare hands.

- It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it were Sunday. Cause that’s my fun day. When I don’t have to run day. It’s just another manic Monday.

- If a picture paints a thousand words, why can’t Paul Merson string a sentence together? That’s how thick he is – pictures are cleverer than that clueless, inept wazzock.

I know I’ve harped on about this previously but this initiative really does seem to be reaping benefits at the moment. Coincidence or is there something in it? Let’s take a look at the stats and try to decide:

Saturday’s game at Hull was the sixth time over the past year or so that BWFC have provided free coach travel to away games. The fans have been quick on the uptake and the stats so far concerning these games are:

Played: 6

Won: 3

Drawn: 2

Lost: 1

That is an excellent away record for any team in the league. If it’s just coincidence then so be it, though I happen to believe that there’s something more to this and that the extra support in away games is really having a positive effect on the lads out on the pitch. This theory may be blown out of the water by the end of the month as the same scheme is being used for away trips at Boro and Sunderland. These are crucial games and I will stick my neck out and say we will get through them unbeaten. Perhaps I wouldn’t have said that a few weeks ago but I do believe there’s a real feel-good factor surrounding this initiative now and hopefully it will continue. Well done BWFC on what is proving to be a fantastic and beneficial idea.

Just a matter of days after I ordained him a Bolton legend, Jussi kindly went and showed exactly why he deserves such an accolade. He certainly won the match for us (without him we’d be returning from the KC stadium pointless) and his performance was absolutely breath-taking. Some of his saves were simply unbelievable, not least his double-save from Marlon King and Caleb Folan in the dying stages. That the rest of the team mobbed him at the final whistle tells you everything and Jussi showed yet again why he could remain at the top of his game for another 5 years to come.

The final result was both a welcome surprise and very pleasing too. To take 3 points from Hull is a hell of an achievement and, in what is becoming a ridiculously close league this year, took us into the top half of the table. It’s a ridiculously tight league when a couple of wins can take you from rock bottom to the verge of the UEFA Cup spots and, to flip that on it’s head, when a couple of losses can plunge you into trouble. Hopefully we can keep this momentum up and get something from the Liverpool game on Saturday, prior to 2 away trips to the North East to take on Sunderland (please Dioufy – do your old mates a favour and make a crazy tackle like that against one of us…) and Boro.

Plus points from the game: Jussi’s heroics aside, it was good to see Elmander and Gardner return to the starting line-up. Was also good to see Smolarek get some playing time – he was unlucky with a rasping drive late on and I still believe he can be an important player for us this season. In addition, the free coach travel (to be discussed further in a separate post) led to another decent turn-out and must have played a part in geeing the lads up a little.

Minus points: Hard to pick fault with anything following such a good result.

Following the magnificent (but morally ambiguous...!) Catflap tip on Joey 'Saint' Barton a couple of weeks ago, let's try to get back to winning ways here with these little beauties, which return at just short of 18/1:

Liverpool, Chelsea, Plymouth, Reading, Wolves & Swansea

Stay clear of the FA Cup at all costs and good luck...

Where to start with this one? The man who could have been Bolton manager (he did win 4 out of 5 when caretaker boss after all) versus a so-called struggling current manager who picked up a morale-boosting win against City last Sunday. We'll be missing Kevin Nolan (who is suspended) and speculation is rife as to who will replace him, with Ricardo Gardner and Johan Elmander seemingly in the frame. Hull will be buoyed by the return of skipper Ian Ashbee in the middle of the park. Just to add a bit of extra spice, ex Reebok favourite Stelios may make his Hull debut whilst another old boy, Bernard Mendy, should be in the frame after a goal-scoring cameo from the bench at Old Trafford last weekend.

Hull will attack, Bolton will defend. At the beginning of the season I'd have pinned this down as an away win. What a difference 3 months makes - now I'll be very happy with a draw. Heart says 1-0 to Bolton. Head says 1-1. Either way, here's to Hull continuing their excellent start to the season and hopefully to Bolton building on last Sunday's excellent result.